Brady Standard-Herald and Heart O' Texas News (Brady, Tex.), Ed. 1 Friday, June 2, 2000 Page: 3 of 10
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Cows, presidents and other aliens
recently, after a column I
A wroteahou the Great
* * Gandy's Milk Carton Top Auc-
tion, I received several letters from
FRIDAY, JUNE 2,2000-BRADY STANDARD-HERALD, BRADY. TEXAS—PAGE3
St
an
to
ind
her
tut
ith
mi
1:
air
rs.
r
nd
Outdoor
Outpost
With
KENDAL HEMPHILL
readers who wanted reassurance that I
wasn’t affiliated with PETA. Words
cannot express the shock I would have
felt had I taken any of these queries the
least bit seriously. My motto is: Life’s
too short to be affiliated with PETA.
The column in question described
an experience 1 had as a boy, when my the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel?" people as Regis Philbin, Jerry
brother and I attended an auction held Ms. Taylor also enclosed a couple Springer, Dennis Rodman, PETA
by the Gandy’s milk company. Kids all of ‘Beef Food Safety Tips’ president Ingrid Newkirk, even Bill
over the country were invited to region- refridgerator magnets, and a bro- Clinton.
ally held auctions, where they could chure called ‘Wow That Cow!' We may never know unless one of
use Gandy’s milk carion tops as legal which contains a lot of interesting them explodes, which would be a ter-
tender to bid on all kinds of outdoor information about all the wonderful rible thing, especially if it happens on
gear. My experience at the event was things cows do for us humans. television.
seers
Fence-down w
Street
drothe
defector
Mel...
less than satisfactory, since I got con- Of course, since I grew up in
fused and bid more tops than I had Central Texas, and have lived around Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor
credit for, and ended up with nothing, cows all my life, I already knew that columnist with a strange bump on the side
At the end of the column I men- cows are vital to our existence. Be- of his head. Write to him at PO Box 564.
tioned that I was lactose intolerant, sides giving us milk and meat and Mason, Texas 76856 or
which evidently struck a nerve, although leather and methane, cows also pro- hemphill @ctesc. net
I really didn’t expect anyone to take me vide important pharmaceuticals, To orderyourAlien Implant Detection
seriously. And they probably wouldn’t such as Chymotrypsin, insulin, va- w; m^rst^po^^
have, if it weren t for a campaign sopressin, and vitamm B-12. The esslingen/alien.hrml (MC, visa, & Dis.
launched in March by People for the big surprise, to me at least, was that cover accepted)
Ethical Treatment of Animals. the brochure didn’t mention that
IN PROTEST OF MILK con- cows sometimes explode, which can Want to sell something quick?
sumption, PETA started urging college provide a great deal of entertain- Try a Want-Ad in the Standard-
students to ‘Drink Beer, Not Milk,’ and ment for anyone who happens to be Herald.
even used a take-off on the ‘Got Milk?’ watching when this happens.
slogan by changing it to ‘Got Beer?’ I have never, personally, seen a
The campaign pointed out that beer is cow explode but, according to a
much healthier than milk, and contains newspaper column written by Dave
EDFISCH4
2000 Rochester Post-Bulletin Co. LLC.
Ed Fischer Syndicate
fischer@postbulletin.com
no fat, cholesterol, or antibiotics. PETA Barry several years ago, such an
ROTARY
SPO KES
By BILL MANN
even said, in an article on their website, occurrence is not out of the ques-
that milk contains a bovine growth hor- lion. A reader had sent Dave an
mone that can cause men to exhibit article about a New Zealand farm-
certain female tendencies, the details of ing family who was standing around
whichl will not elaborate on here, admiring acow they had just bought The Brady Rotary Club met Tues-
The whole endeavor soon backfired, when it unexpectedly blew up. Sadly, day at the Cafe at the Depot. Vice
causing such an uproar that PETA this was not covered under their president Jim presided in absence of
quickly changed tactics. They pulled factory warranty. Charlie. Dennis Jemelka, a former
their ‘Got Beer?’ ads and replaced them Perhaps you, like me, are skepti- member, was a guest.
with a parody of the pictures of missing cal about the concept of exploding vice president Jim announced
children displayed on milk cartons, cows. Perhaps you, like me, have that, since July 4 is a holiday, no
Campus telephone poles and grocery hauled hundreds of cows around on meeting will be held on that date,
bags started showing up with pictures bumpy, dirt roads in shockless trail- Also, June 27 will be installation of
of ‘Charlie the veal calf,’ who was ers, and never even had one ignite officers during the regular meeting
supposedly stolen from his mother, a on you,much lessexplode. Well, let on that day.
dairy cow, soon after his birth. This one me just point out that it’s possible Clair Whitesell introduced Jesse
hasn’t been such a hit, either, but you that none of those cows were the McAnally, who spoke about Brady
have to give the PETA folks credit for victims of alien implants, which Lake. The city of Brady voted in
trying. They even donated some money could explain a lot. 1959 to build Brady Lake and was
to Mothers Against Drunk Drivers, in ALIEN IMPLANTS, according given right to use water for domestic
an effort to placate the MADD moth- to a company called Esslingen, are purposes. The city never used the
ers. becoming a real nuisance lately, water; in late 1980's, the city was
Just last week PETA filed suit against Luckily there is hope for those af- informed that other entities may be
: New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, flicted with this malady. For only able to access the lake's water if Brady
: the New York City Dept, of Parks and $49.95 Esslingen will send you their did not choose to use it. Therefore,
; Recreation, and the organizers of ‘Award Winning’ AIDARD (Alien the city council has voted to build a
• CowParade NYC 2000, because Implant Detection and Removal treatment plant to utilize the water as i
PETA’s $10,000, fiberglass cow was Device), with which you can ‘detect — was agreed upon in 1959. He-also r
banned from the parade. Officials and remove those unwanted alien reported that San Angelo currently
claimed the cow, which was painted up implants.’ has no wells pumping water from the
like a butcher shop poster, was profane, Esslingen’s website contains tes-
graphic and inappropriate, due to some timonials from several of their satis- ^™™™««™i^^™«™«mi
of the language written on it. Which fied customers, including: Jeff ,′
brings up the question, “Why would Albrecht—“When my wife told me X/4
anyone pay $10,000 for a fiberglass about her suspicion of being im- nl
cow?” planted! thought back to the vows / 00®
Anyway, several readers pointed out on our wedding day and 1 couldn’t
that, if 1 really didn’t like milk, I was remember anything about alien im-
playing right into PETA’s hands. So I plants.” (Ironically, neither can I)
feel obligated to set the record straight, Scott Flaherty—“1 never thought I
take the cow by the udder, so to speak, would need it until I woke up naked
and infonn everyone that I like milk on the side of IH 5 just south of
very much, and that some of my best Seattle hours after I went to bed.”
friends happen to be cows. Further- (That must have been quite a party,
more, I have never, not once, paid more especially if Scott lives in, say, Hous-
than $5,000 for a fiberglass animal. ton)
ONE OF THE LETTERS I re- The point is that, if aliens can
ceived was from Berva Dawn Taylor, implant humans, it stands to reason
of Doole, Texas, asking me to do a that they can also implant animals,
follow up on the milk story. She sent The New Zealand cow, therefore,
me acopy of a Scripps Howard News may have exploded because of a
Service article about the PET A ‘Got malfunction of its implant. Not only
Beer?’ campaign, clipped from the Mil- that, but these implants might cause
waukee Journal Sentinel. Which brings all sorts of other strange behavior in
up another question, namely “Why is animals and humans. This may ex-
someone from Doole, Texas reading plain the abnormal activities of such
30
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SECURITY
FINANCE
We like to say yes! Try Us First!
Come see Ric or Jason
802 S. Bridge
Brady, Texas 76825
915-597-3077
SAFE begins search
for unwanted wire
Texans in the Central Texas area
will be given the opportunity to re-
cycle unwanted wire August 1-31 at
the Co-op Gin No. 1 off Highway 87
North in Wall. The event is being
HickoryAquifer. Once the treatment held in conjunction with TNRCC's
plant is in place, no other city can use County Cleanup, August 31 from 8
water from the lake. However, the a.m to 12 noon.
city could choose to sell water. Brady The event is co-sponsored by San
is currently averaging 2 1/2 million Angelo Friends of the Environment
gallons per day of water use. (SAFE), Acme Iron and Metal, Com-
Mac McWilliams won the $2 bill mercial Metals in Odessa and the
by knowing that President LBJ was Wall Co-op Gin No. 1.
instrumental in assisting in clearing For more information, contact
the way for Brady Lake to be built. SAFE at (915) 659-0722.
Program Chairman for June 6 is
Mike Schaffner; and for June 13 is
Lynn Munden.
The best salesman in this area is
a Standard-Herald Want-Ad.
Open 9:00 a.m. - 5:30 p.m.
Thurs., I ri. and Sat.
own
Bi
Gel
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riguing Threads
FACT-TIP
Institutes of learning were first
called “universities" in the twelfth
century.
FACT-TIP
When a sea elephant gets angry his
nose fills with air, swells up and forms
a snout up to 20 inches long.
Moth
Brigntel
leave ala
of yours
B R A D
^Nature
oeicdey and
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R A 1
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Stewart, James E. Brady Standard-Herald and Heart O' Texas News (Brady, Tex.), Ed. 1 Friday, June 2, 2000, newspaper, June 2, 2000; Brady, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1668578/m1/3/?q=Lamar+University: accessed June 4, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting FM Buck Richards Library.