Three years old, I was at the supermarket and I..
. No, but come on in, come on, come
on in, come on in.
You can visit my website at Letarisrwhitfield.c Om.
There you can sign up on the mailing list.
You'll be notified about my upcoming productions.
Have a show coming out later on this year
called Issues.
We all got them.
Wait till y'all see what that's about.
Issues, we all got them.
How many of y'all support a lot of the black
shows that come through here?
Y'all support a lot of shows?
Please keep supporting them.
We're just trying to do what we do in this
entertainment industry, so keep supporting,
keep supporting.
Also sign up for a membership for the Black
Academy of Arts and Letters.
Before I started on National Tour, I used to
volunteer backstage at this very theater
and beating a lot of the celebrities and
hanging out and just being a servant.
How many of y'all believe that God exalts you
when you understand servitude?
Some of y'all don't want to serve, so God can't
exalt you.
That's what I did for about two years was
basically be a servant and work in the hospitality
committee backstage and met the promoter, did
the show, produced the show, and he decided
to take the play on National Tour.
They have a kiosk in the center of the lobby
there that you can sign up for and actually
become a member.
You can start memberships as low as $20.
How many of y'all are going to make a
commitment and do that today?
You going to sign up for a membership?
About three of y'all?
That's messed up.
I just went through this whole speech.
Three of y'all.
People about to see that... Come on, y'all.
I'm trying to see what the problem is back there.
How many minutes we holding?
Seven minutes.
They let them come in one by one or something?
Just come on.
I like the choir coming through.
Come on in.
How many of y'all heard about the show through
friends and family members?
Any friends and family members saw the show previously?
How y'all doing?
That's good.
My name is Stephon.
Play him.
Jiggle old castle.
Call me what you want, but calling me, you will.
Now, ladies, tell me if I'm wrong for thinking
this, but I figure all women want is a man
who's not just flat out ugly, can handle his
business financially and sexually, can take
time out to think and tell women everything
they want to hear.
Fellas, I can't help, but I love women, and
they can't help loving me, so what's wrong
with that?
It's a shortage of men in this world.
Most of them in jail, and the ones that aren't,
well, most of them are gay, so, Miss Lady
in the Red, instead of me being your pen pal or
your girlfriend, I'm your three-dimensional fantasy.
Actually, I'm doing this as a free service,
because I'm someone that you can hold on to
at night, and also, that's someone you can talk
to when you're feeling bad.
But I can't.
I can't do everything at once.
That's why I hired you.
I'm Patrick Anderson, CEO of this marketing
company, and I did not make it here by lollygagging.
Don't walk away from me, woman.
Even God gets my permission before he moves.
There are too many people standing outside
those doors, eager to fill your position.
I'm trying to run a business here, not a
daycare center.
I built this company from the ground floor, and
I will not allow ignorant behavior to
tear it down.
Am I making myself clear?
Now, I don't want to.
I don't want to be here without you, stranded
on this lonely island of love.
Can you please come rescue me?
Maybe we can fly into- no, maybe we can sail-
man, I can't get that line right.
I've been working on this song for the last few months.
When I get finished, it's going to be triple
platinum, just like my other hit singles.
Ooh, I love this lifestyle.
My fly ride, big ol' house, women screaming my
name, Monticello, Monticello, we love you!
Ooh, but most of all, the money.
I am rolling in it.
I'll never spend another day broke.
I ought to change my name to money.
No, no, cash.
No, no, how about Monticello dollar?
For short, people can just call me M.D.
Monticello dollar, that's tight!
Ooh, most people make it to this level though,
they fall, because they don't watch people
close to them.
See, people can't be trusted with your money, uh-uh.
I believe, I believe women love sex just as
much as men.
Yeah, they try to make themselves feel better
by only having sex with guys that they're
in a relationship with, but see, my purpose is
to make a woman feel proud to have sex
with me.
And though there's no commitment of a
relationship, so in the end, we both are
getting what we want.
I don't care what you call it, making love,
having sex, this might sound bad, but the
fellas out there can feel me.
To me, it's just down right.
Forget an accountant, man.
They'll mess you around too if you're not careful.
Then what?
You're going to hire a business manager to look
after the accountant, and a lawyer to
look after the business manager?
This all can be a big mess.
See, I ought to take all my money out the bank
and keep it in my house.
See, I think you may have a hearing impairment
or a learning deficiency, because
every time I tell you something, you act as
though I never said it to begin with.
Now, are you trying to destroy my company?
Okay, then, for the hundredth time, when you
type my letters, Ms. Secretary, do not abbreviate
the date.
Spell the month February all the way out, and
I'll leave.
Without power, a man is nothing.
Without money, man has no value.
Woo, and without sex, we don't exist.
What Men Don't Tell, not your typical gospel
stage play.
Ladies, don't you get aggravated by what men
don't tell?
They say what you don't know can hurt you, but
say this with me, that's a lie from Hell.
Just because the issues aren't uttered doesn't
mean they don't exist, leaving you pissed,
trying to crack his code, yet he doesn't know
he's about to be a new addition on your
break-up list.
Fellas, don't you get aggravated when you're
about to tell?
She begins to yell, now you're lost for words,
reduced to uh, forget it, brother,
don't speak.
Tonight, you ain't getting no sleep. Talk.
Two simple verbs absent destroy males and females.
The gag order lifted, conversation shifted.
Find out now, What Men Don't Tell.
Man, I'm telling you, the girls at the club
last night was off the chain, Dawg.
Tell them about it, man.
One of them was so fine, I started to get her
number about ten times to make sure.
Why is Patrick knocking?
Come on in.
Oh, I got company.
I got to let you go.
Hey, Monticello.
Oh, hey, Diane.
How are you?
Hey, Diane.
You taking care of my boy?
Of course.
That's what managers do.
Monticello, you have a busy schedule tomorrow,
so I want you to make sure you get plenty
of sleep tonight, okay?
Sounds good.
And by the way, I want you to meet someone.
Great to help, Davis.
Soul icon of the last millennium.
It's good to meet you, man.
Nice to meet you, Monticello.
Hey, man, they tell me you've been doing some
big things.
Hey, I'm trying to follow in your footsteps, man.
I will.
Size 15, your feet too small.
Come on, you got me, man.
But this is my boy, Stephan over here.
Man, it's an honor to meet you.
You the reason I was concede.
I use protection.
Your mama lied.
Watch out there, man.
You know I ain't talking about it like that.
No, I'm conceding on one of your love songs.
Girl, you know I love you.
Boy, boy, boy, as good as you sing that song
and that big old head of yours, you might
be my son.
Come over here, Junior.
Can I get you something to drink, man?
Not now, but later on, for sure.
My mother, partner Patrick, he's on the way.
We're going to hang out before I leave tomorrow.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I thought you were here.
I apologize.
I'm not coming to the door.
No problem.
Monticello, we came by to tell you something.
Ray Dale and I were having dinner discussing me
being his manager.
When it hit me, why not mix the old school with
the new?
So I asked him if he wouldn't mind singing a
few songs on your tour, and he said, yes.
So what you think, baby?
What do you think?
I don't want no old dude over on my show. Old?
Who you calling old?
You're going to fool around and make me violate
my probation.
You know you ain't on no probation.
I will be.
If he keep on calling me old, I'm from South
Dallas, boy, I'll cut you.
Ray Dale, put it away.
Put that away.
Don't pay him any attention.
He's just playing.
Listen, it will increase your credibility. How?
I'm at the top of my game.
When was the last time he had a hit?
An artist is only as good as his last hit.
And they're playing his on the radio many years later.
It's called legendary music.
Listen, baby, don't knock the people who paved
the way for you.
I'm just asking you to try something new.
Trust me.
I know what I'm talking about.
That's why you hired me.
All right, Diane, but if I see my next CD in
the old school section of the record store,
we going to have some problems. Deal.
Come on now.
Ray Dale.
Hey, man.
Welcome to the Monticello Tour.
I look forward to working with you.
Yeah, man.
I think we're going to have some fun out there
on the road.
As a matter of fact, I might even teach you a
few things about crooning to the ladies.
Now, you're going to be learning from me.
I'm going to show you how the new school gets down.
I'll tell you what we're going to do.
We're going to make us a deal so we can get
along, okay?
Now, this is going to be our deal.
You get the young girls and I get they mommas.
Okay, Michelle.
I like that.
Let's go work like that. Shoot.
I'm going with y'all.
Come on.
Y'all ain't going to do nothing.
I'm going to keep an eye on both of y'all.
You might have to get you some eyes in the back
of your head then.
I guess I will.
Now, you.
You're going to be my witness in case we have
to go to court because I don't know if I can
trust you or not.
No, I'm cool.
Okay, let's make sure we got our deal straight now.
You get the young girls and I'm getting the mommas.
Mommas is plural.
I mean, I get all the mommas, so if the mommas
in their 60s, they mine.
If they 50, they mine.
If they 40 and 30, they belong to me.
If they 20, they mine.
Hey, they're legal at 19 and 18 too.
That's my old school gotcha boy.
You done ran out.
Come on here.
We'll see you in the morning.
Come on here with your old self.
Come on.
And make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight, okay?
And as soon as you get off the plane, you got
interviews, all right?
I got this momma.
And be on time for your flight because
timeliness is next to godliness.
Excuse me, Diane, but isn't that cleanliness is
next to godliness?
You're right, Raydale.
But timeliness is next to godliness.
And you know why? Why?
Because timeliness is next to godliness.
I wish I could get a witness up in this house.
I wish I could get a witness up in this house
and I could get a witness up in this house.
talking about the next game the Cowboys will be playing.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Misunderstanding?
Why do you even bet him?
You know he always tries to play stupid when
it's time to pay.
He shouldn't be betting me then.
You know he's right.
Man, pay him.
That's right.
All right, man, look here.
I don't have no cash on me, so I'm
going to have to write you a check.
Oh, no.
Man, last time you wrote me a check,
you put a stop payment on it.
Uncle, see, what happened was, see, my checks,
I got stole from, and I had to retract on them.
Just pay me my money, man.
All right, man, this check will be good.
Thank you.
Bruh, could you at least sign the check?
I guess you couldn't cash without a signature, huh?
Boy, you're pretty good.
Man, you got to be on your P's and Q's when it
comes to money.
By the way, Patrick, you and Stefan
were supposed to be splitting the cost of this
going away
get together for me, and I paid for your half
of the food
and drink since you were late and all,
so you owe me $30.47, bruh.
Because I haven't eaten any of the food just yet.
You better get your money's worth.
He's right.
And you heard it, Patrick, paying $30.47. $30.47.
Here, man, here's 30 and 50.
30, 50, I said 30, 47.
Let me see this, so here's your $0.03 change, Bruh.
Here you go.
See, I owe no man.
I want you to know that.
You know what?
I was thinking about taking all my money out
the bank
and keeping it in my house.
How does that sound, y'all?
That sounds stupid.
I'd be losing interest.
You have lost your mind.
Man, you love money entirely too much.
Now remember, what you live by is what you die by.
You ought to be taking that into consideration,
Mr. Sex Addict.
Dying because of some killer sex?
Actually, that might not be a bad way to go.
Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang.
He's talking about AIDS, Stephon.
Man, look, I'm just trying to teach you
all some of the fundamentals of keeping wealth, OK?
For instance, if I loan you all money of any amount,
I want my money back.
I don't care if it's $10, because look,
if I let 10 slide, then what's next?
$100, $1,000, $10,000?
See, it's your friends and family
that nickel and dime you to death.
See, that's what happened to MC Hammer.
I ain't letting that happen to the music industry.
So how long you going to be on tour this time, Mr.
You Can't Touch This?
Man, I'm going to be off for five months, y'all.
Five months?
Yeah, we're making it.
Hey, Yo, man, we got to kick it now then, man.
I heard Tufigi is going to be off the chain tonight.
Ooh, y'all remember the first time we went to a club?
Remember this?
Oh, yeah.
Sticks two to make a thing go right, sticks two
to make it
out of silos.
Sticks two to make a, whoa, Yo, whoa. No.
Patrick still ain't got no rhythm.
And that's for real, man. Ooh.
Man, we might not have been in that long,
but we can still say we was in the house.
Oh, man.
Come on, man.
We was 17 years old back then.
Remember that?
Man, stuck in with those fake IDs.
We were having a good time until we got kicked out.
I wonder what gave us away.
Well, probably the way we were dressed, man.
Dressed alike.
Wearing Puma jumpsuits.
Oh, and Stefan had one of those pouches
we used to wear around our waist.
Remember the fake Louis Vuitton?
Boy, he had everything in it.
Gum, lemon heads, Chico Sticks, Tic Tacs,
walking up to grown ladies talking about, say, baby,
you want an hour later?
Oh, everybody else offered women drinks.
You offered them now, ladies.
Who was that?
Well, what about you?
Sliding into the bar talking about, excuse me,
but can I order a glass of Kool-Aid on the
rocks, please?
You do.
I know my mama would have beat my behind
if she ever smelled liquor on my breath.
I was not doing that.
Man, my Holy Ghost-filled mama lived by the scriptures.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
Ooh, seemed like she used to whip me for the
fun of it.
Man, catching you having sex in her bed at the
age of 13
is not for the fun of it.
I couldn't help it, man.
Tina was fine.
Man, back then, parents used to beat you
and leave you playing with your whelp marks. Yeah.
Nowadays, kids have time out.
Now, what is time out?
Time out is what my mama took after beating my behind.
That's true.
And getting grounded.
Man, the only ground that I got was
when my mama had me pinned down to the ground
with her knee in my back.
Boy, when we go in this store, don't you touch nothing,
don't you ask for nothing, and don't you go nowhere.
Shut up.
Boy, shut up.
I just want some candy.
Step on her.
I'm going to give you something to cry about.
Boy, y'all crazy, right?
You know y'all crazy.
Oh, man, those were the days.
But I tell you this, man, none of us ever got
locked up.
Or tried to go on some school shooting, everybody.
You right about that.
We didn't have a lot of sense, but we had enough
not to be doing that.
Oh, man.
Man, it's getting late.
It's got to be, man.
I'm going to get ready to go home and change.
Y'all, man, if you go home, are you
sure your wife is going to let you come back
out and play?
What do you mean, let me?
I am a grown man.
I run my house.
I run everything.
I wish she would try to tell me I can't go out
with you.
Bro, do you ever hit your wife?
Hell no, I do not hit my wife.
He doesn't have to, because his name is Patrick.
What does that have to do with anything?
Yeah, all he does is tell her what to do,
and then he pats that trick on her behind
and watches her go do it.
No, no, no.
It's just that my wife has learned how to be submissive.
That's right.
See, the Bible tells a woman, women,
submit to your husbands, for he has thou shalt...
so on and so forth, and that's how I run my house.
That's classic.
Now, ain't that something?
The only scripture men know is women submit to
your husbands,
and they barely even know that.
What about the scripture that says husbands,
love your wife as Christ loved the church?
Or the one that says submit ye one to another?
Look, the only thing I'm going to be submitting
to my wife
is my platinum credit card, so that she can go shopping
any time she wants.
That's right, fellas.
See, all women want to do is go shopping with
their girlfriends
without having to worry about a budget.
Man, my wife is satisfied.
I let her buy whatever she wants, whenever she
wants it.
A plastic credit card could never
replace your fleshly body.
So what, are you a preacher now or something?
I repute you, Satan, ain't no way on God's
green earth.
I'm going to never be no preacher.
I'm going to be a pimp, hustler, jigger,
player, yeah.
I'm going to be a player for life,
because women are my ministry.
Oh, I was getting worried about you there for a
minute, Bro.
Well, I'm doing it.
Well, come on, y'all.
Let's get this party started.
My Rolex is letting me know it's about time
to get to that club.
So how about we meet at 12 midnight?
Is that cool? Cool.
Triple play.
Smooth, Daddy.
Ah, all right, now.
I'm about to change it, man.
I'm going to get the most numbers you watch.
Oh, we'll see about that. Hoo!
I said, don't dance.
They just pull up their pants and do the rockaway.
Hey, lean back.
Lean back.
Good morning, Pat.
Hey, baby. Wow.
Sure bet you had a great time.
I didn't see your car outside.
I thought you were gone.
It's parked in the garage along with our marriage.
It's too early in the morning for this.
What do you mean by that, Melody?
Our marriage isn't going anywhere.
I feel like it's been parked, garaged.
I almost feel sheltered. Sheltered?
Oh, come on, Melody.
You go places.
I mean, you get to go anywhere you want to go.
You know what?
I think it has something to do with that book
you're reading.
What is it this time?
Something by Iyanla Vanzant?
It's He-Motions by T.D. Jakes.
And what's the point of going places
if I can't go with you, my husband?
I have a company to run.
I can't go everywhere with you.
There's a difference in going everywhere and nowhere.
When is the last time I went out on a date?
I spent a romantic evening at home.
Look, do you know the responsibility
that comes along with running a successful company?
And do you know the responsibility
that comes along with running a successful marriage?
You know what?
There must be something in that book you're reading.
Because every time you read one of those books,
you start questioning our relationship.
You need to stop reading that trash.
It's not trash.
It's helping me find who you are.
Well, you can find who I am in this bedroom,
getting some sleep.
Oh, Honey, wait.
Before you went out last night, you
promised we would talk about this in the morning.
I lied.
All right?
I was using it as an excuse to hurry up and leave.
If I had stayed appeasing your discussion,
I would have been late meeting Stefan and Monticello,
or gotten held up trying to go to sleep, just
like now.
That's what you think.
I'm just a waste of time.
I'm keeping you from what you'd rather be doing.
Come on, Melody.
I didn't say that, and you know it.
Well, what do you expect me to think?
You stayed out all night.
We've been married almost three years,
and you've never done that before.
Now, don't you think that's a little unusual?
No, that should let you know that I had a good reason
for not coming home. OK.
What's the reason you owe me some kind of an explanation?
I don't owe you an explanation.
I don't owe any woman an explanation.
As a matter of fact, I ask the questions,
you give the answers, not vice versa.
I'm confused.
I got married because I wanted a husband,
but I still feel single.
No, no, no, no.
You got married because you wanted
to be co-dependent on someone to take care of you.
No, no, no, no.
You want to talk?
That's talk, Melody.
You know, I don't understand women.
I mean, you set your dreams on finding a man
that's rich,
so you don't have to work.
And then you complain when you find him.
Look, I have given you everything
a woman could possibly want.
I mean, look at this penthouse you're living in.
I'm from the hood, Melody.
You give me some beads hanging over the
doorway, I'm all right.
No, no, no, no.
Look over there, an indoor swimming pool.
What do we need an indoor pool for?
You want to know what my family's indoor pool was?
The bathtub.
Now listen, I don't need all these fancy things,
but I figure, hell, if you like it, I love it.
You drive a 600 Mercedes coupe, shop
at the most expensive boutiques, never
have to work another day in your life.
What more do you want from me?
These things are nice, but they don't mean anything
unless I have your love and attention.
Besides, you just use them as power over me anyway.
Power over you?
Look, power is just another word for control.
And a man has to have control over his woman.
If he doesn't, then she'll walk all over him
or start bad mouthing him, like you're doing
right now.
Why do you feel so threatened when I simply
state my own opinion or ask you a simple question?
It is not that I feel threatened, OK?
I just feel like you're trying to oppose authority.
Oppose authority?
You're starting to treat me like you treat
your employees at your company.
And I can't stand the way you put them all
ahead of me.
Pat, you built your company, but somewhere down
the line,
you allowed your company to build you.
We're married, but I feel like it's
just another part of business.
Oh, now you get it.
Melody finally gets it.
Marriage is business.
Two parties get together, bringing something
to the table with a common interest in mind,
a lifetime with each other.
The two parties reach a compromise,
settling with the things they can and cannot
live with
or accept.
A contract is drawn up stating the date the
agreement was
made, endorsed by the two party signatures,
signed by a third party witness.
If anything unethical happens during the
contract period,
either party can cancel by what's known as a divorce,
and the assets are split accordingly.
Party A goes one way, Party B goes another.
You see, Melody?
Everything's business, and somebody has to run it.
In other words, you have to run this marriage.
All right, let's take your view of marriage
being a business.
I'd like to think of it as a partnership,
whereas the two parties make an initial investment
in one another.
And in a partnership, when a decision must be made,
the two parties together, under collaboration,
come to a decision.
There is no one dominating voice or
authoritative figure.
Well, I don't like your view.
It's not unusual.
You never do.
If you don't like it, Melody, cancel the contract.
I don't believe in divorce, and you know it.
And neither do I. Look, I never changed.
When we got married, I was like this.
You compromised and felt like you could live
with it.
But what have you compromised?
I got married.
Look, I always told myself that I would never
get married.
Well, how do you think that sounds or makes
me feel to hear you say that?
I'm sorry, OK?
But it's true.
Well, I don't care to elaborate on that.
But all right, Mr. Businessman, since
everything is business,
when are we going to get some employees?
What, you mean have kids?
Look, I have already told you it would not
be a good business decision to have kids right now.
I'll let you know when the time comes.
But my biological clock is ticking.
Well, then you need to unplug it.
Listen, Elodie, baby, I am tired, all right?
I'm sleepy.
I'm so sleepy I'm about to pass out.
Now, good night, good morning, whatever it is.
I'm going to bed.
Well, can't we go to bed together?
I don't have time for that.
Make an appointment.
An appointment?
Do you realize what you just said to me?
Oh, damn, baby, I'm sorry, OK?
I told you I was sleepy, all right?
I'm delirious.
I've been drinking.
Come on, just relax.
Just lean back.
Lean back.
Would you just stop it?
Well, I told you to let me go to sleep
before I get into any trouble.
By the way, has the cleaning lady come by this week?
She'll be here tomorrow.
Oh, Lord, I'm tired.
This man seems to care less about me and how I feel.
I'm sorry for not serving you the way I should.
But Lord, please bless my home.
Make my husband your servant, God,
and bless our marriage to be what
a marriage is supposed to be.
I've been here, seems like forever, but I must
break free.
Somehow, I went astray when I should have stayed.
I only pray that you'd hear me, Lord, right now,
right now.
Oh, Lord, I need a blessing for my husband, for
my family,
for me to have a happy home. Lord.
Why are you standing in the middle of the
living room singing?
This is not a gospel musical.
Hey, Lord, I need some sleep right now.
Oh, my Lord, I still need a blessing for my husband,
for my family, for me to have a happy home. Lord.
I still hear you.
I had something else to do, because we normally are.
Charmaine, I said I had something else to do,
not something better.
And you know why?
Because it doesn't get any better than you.
All right, since you want to put up a big fuss
about it,
how about I just cancel my engagement
to speak at the boys' club tonight?
Besides, those boys can take one more
heartbreak from a male
that they look up to.
And besides, what do you care?
Oh, you care about Charmaine and Charmaine's needs.
No, I'm not going.
I'm spending time with you.
No, no, I want you to be happy.
Yeah, you're right, those boys do need me,
don't they?
Hey, hold on, someone's on the other line. Hello.
What's up, Peaches?
Girl, I know your voice.
Where are you?
OK, look, make a left on second and a right on hatchet.
Right, yeah.
I'll be up on the right.
You'll see my car outside.
All right, now, I don't want to waste all your
cell phone
minutes while I talk to you when you get here,
all right?
Bye, baby girl.
All right, I'm back.
Oh, just some long distance company
trying to get me to change my long distance service.
Hey, look, I got to go get ready,
so I won't be late getting to the boys club tonight.
I might get a chance to stop by and see you tonight
if I don't get out too late, OK?
OK, all righty, OK.
You're still talking.
I don't want to be late.
I got to go.
I'm hitting up the phone now. Goodbye.
Whoa, they love me.
Ooh, I better check on the food before I burn
something up. Peaches.
Excuse me.
You stay here by yourself.
I ain't never known a man who didn't still stay
at home with his mama before.
So what time is our reservations at the mansion?
I canceled them.
See, to be honest with you, Peaches, I take
every girl
there on the first date.
But see, you're not every girl.
You're unique.
I had to do something special for you.
Now see, now that's what I'm talking about.
I need a man who's going to treat me unique.
Because like Shannanee on Mindsets, I'm a lady.
Yes, you are, and a sexy one at that.
So what are you planning to do for me tonight?
It's a surprise. Surprise?
So I want you to stand right here.
Close your eyes.
Close my eyes.
Let me tie this around your head here.
Wait a minute now.
Be careful now.
I just got my heart did now.
All right, let me guide you back to the sofa
so you can sit down, OK?
All right, no worries.
Little bit more.
You're almost there.
Come on back.
There you go.
All right, now, you promise not to peek?
I promise.
All right, give me a little minute to set up,
all right?
Let me dim the lights.
See, your couch is comfortable.
A little mood music.
Oh, now, that's the joint there now. Yeah.
You know, I was constipating whether I was
going to come over here or not.
But I said, you seem all right.
You seem all right.
So I came on, you know.
Sure, my boss threatened to fire me today
if I didn't quit daydreaming.
But it's just that I had all this anticipation
about seeing you again. Anticipation.
You say something.
All right, give me your hand, baby girl.
OK, where you at?
Stand on up.
All right, now, taste this.
Oh, wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on a minute now.
Get that fuck.
Appreciate you.
All right, I'm ready.
Mm, I love chocolate.
Ooh, chocolate covered strawberries.
Mm, let's see, this is the time I'm going to
stop in the movie.
Well, tonight, you are my star actress. Voila.
This is so romantic.
Oh, yeah, let me sit you down on the blanket
and take your shoes off so you can relax and
get comfortable.
All right?
Thank you. Uh-huh.
This is bootiful.
Candlelight and chocolate-colored strawberries, romantic-a-mercy.
I don't ever want to go home.
Oh, but you will.
What you say?
I said, baby, just chill. Yeah.
See, I've prepared a nice French dish for you. Cantoche.
Mm, so that's what I smell.
That sounds fancy.
What that is?
That's just charcoal-grilled sirloin and maitre D'butter,
and the food will be ready in a minute.
You're such a gentleman.
Ooh, something else in French.
Actually, that's Spanish, but you are the
sexiest girl I have ever met.
Knowing all these languages, I guess that makes
you an international player, Huh?
Well, you know, I picked up a few languages
from different girls I used to talk to.
Stephon, most men just take me out to IHOP or
the Denny's
and complain about anything over $5.99.
But you seem totally different.
You really like me, don't you?
To be honest with you, I do.
Ever since I met you two days ago... Yeah.
Girl, I realized there was something special
about you.
You did.
When I saw you bending over, pumping that gas
into your car at that gas station, girl,
whoo, I realized there's something light in you
that could benefit me.
Boy, you're crazy.
You see, Peaches, I've been searching all my
life for that special someone. Yeah?
Someone to stimulate me psychologically and sexually.
You see, I've been searching...
Wait a minute now, hold on now.
For so long, yet never to find that unique
someone to complete me until Wednesday. Wednesday?
When I least expected it.
I found my piece.
That's me.
Are y'all feeling my game up in here?
Hey, if I'm off the chain with it, let me hear
you say, already. Already.
Watch this.
I promise to hold you, massage you, bite you in
places that you will permit,
and girl, that I will lick.
Stefan, you making me moist.
You better cut that after you done started
something up in here now.
Now, you mean before you let the freak escape
out of you?
Wait a minute, I ain't no freak.
I don't have sex with everybody.
I don't have sex with my man.
Oh, so you have a man? No.
I'm saying I only have sex with someone I'm in
a relationship with.
And how old are you again?
Two, one, ten, four.
You still think like a child.
That's so elementary. Elementary?
Wait a minute, brother.
I ain't in no grad school.
You must have got me confused because you the
trippin' out and start acting like you think
you the bum and...
Oh, girl, come on. Stop.
Now, let me tell you why.
Women want men just as much as men want women.
The only difference is is that girls require
you to get into a relationship because little
boys want to tell their friends what goes on
behind closed doors.
So they make you get into a relationship so
that they don't feel like a freak. Peaches.
Are you a girl or a woman?
I'm a woman.
And do I look like a little boy to you?
No, you don't.
Well, now that we have established that we are
both adults, what goes on in my bedroom,
bathroom, balcony, shower, kitchen, and even
right here on this living room floor stays
behind closed doors.
And what goes on between me and you stays
between me and you.
Yeah, you want me, don't you? Uh-huh.
And if I told you that you could get as freaky
as you wanted to without anyone finding out,
would you?
So would.
Well, then, take your sexy little serum through
that door right there.
Over there? Uh-huh.
And take off all your clothes.
There's a meeting in my bedroom. Yeah.
Because tonight, baby, I want to get freaky
with you.
Come on in, boy, yeah!
Sing me a carol, Patrick. Why?
Because it's Christmas.
Mark me 25 for my Christmas present.
All right, well, I'm going to have to take
interstate 20.
Ah, you must be on the road to recovery since I
whipped up on you the last three games.
Oh, man, I just got a lot on my mind, that's all.
Yeah, excuses, excuses.
Hey, man, come to think of it, we haven't
kicked a sense of Monticello left two months ago.
By the way, have you heard from that cat?
No, man, but that's nothing unusual.
I mean, every time that brother goes on tour,
it's like he goes into this whole other world
where there are no phones, no friends, just
enemies and money.
Well, I hope that character's doing all right,
at least better than I have.
What you been going through, man?
Man, women problems.
You too?
Now, it ain't like I have no problem getting
them or anything.
It's just I've been meeting some strange women lately.
Okay, what is she this time?
Swedish, Jamaican, Portuguese, Hispanic, what?
Nope, just plain old color.
Man, look here, about a month ago, I met this
girl named Peaches.
She's still over there in Bonton.
This girl is fine, but her ghetto was good times.
So, did you hit it?
Man, that shouldn't even be a question anymore.
Man, that's a given.
Girl can't stand in my doorway without me
getting some.
And if UPS comes to my door and it's a woman,
she gonna be set behind schedule at least two hours.
Check this out.
About three weeks ago, I met this girl named Tammy,
a computer engineer, makes six figures, dog.
41 years old, no kids, and as fine as Angela Bassett,
and I still got her groove back.
I invited her over to the crib, you know, for
the usual.
Oh, yeah, you mean the inside candlelit picnic dinner,
the you coming out of your panties music,
and the chocolate-covered strawberries, right?
Yep, but it's topped at the chocolate-covered strawberries.
What do you mean, man?
She didn't come out of her clothes that night?
Oh, yeah, she came out of her clothes all right
and slipped into a nice hospital gown.
Man, the woman was allergic to chocolate.
Can you believe that?
Man, she started breaking out in hives
and scratching and everything, man.
We ended up spending the night in the emergency room
in Parkland watching nurses.
Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
I'm sorry.
Well, from that point on, it went downhill for
me and women.
Oh, man.
Man, about a week ago, I met this fine lady in
the club,
sexy chocolate thing, had some thick-ass muscles.
Man, she followed me to the crib and was down
for anything, Dawg.
Man, I pulled down her panties.
Man, she had the same thing that we have.
Man, I was about to kill that transvestite, man.
Man, I went to go get my gun
and that fool must have jumped off the balcony
or something
because by the time I got back, he and she were gone.
Damn, that's tough.
Stefan, man, did you hit it?
Say it again.
Oh, nickel, but don't cut him.
Oh, you snuck five in.
You always would hit a man when he was down.
Hey, man, you know.
Well, so how's things with you and Melody?
Man, why did you bring her up?
Man, that's a horror movie in itself.
I mean, Melody's been complaining a lot lately.
Man, the other day, she got upset with me
because I wouldn't take a vacation from my company.
She wants me to take her on a cruise to the Bahamas
for a week of romance and intimacy.
Well, so what did you say to her?
I told her my company needs me.
Look, I don't have the luxury of taking a vacation.
I'm working on getting this big client right now.
That's interesting because, see, I have this homeboy.
He's married, loves to play the stock market,
but strangely enough, won't invest emotionally
in his marriage,
won't spend any time with his wife
and been together since their sophomore year in
high school, man.
I'm telling you, fellas don't have a clue
about romance and intimacy.
And as a matter of fact,
see, there's a difference between intimacy and sex.
See, intimacy happens even when sex doesn't.
So are you referring to me? Domino!
Ha ha!
You need to wash your dishes.
Say, man, you remember when we were younger
and I used to help you wash your dishes? Yeah.
I washed, you dry,
while your mama had us washing dishes every
night, man.
Well, Stephan, I need you to help me clean my house.
I mean, man, you know how to say what women
want to hear.
My own woman doesn't want to hear what I have
to say.
Look, I need you to help me out, man.
You need to add up them dominoes you got in
your hand.
18, round up to 20.
You only need a 15 to go out.
You won.
My celebration speech is this.
Melody will listen to you if you listen to her. Compromise.
Make her feel appreciated.
Let her have whatever she wants
as long as it concerns the betterment of your marriage.
Hell no!
I am not about to let that woman run my life,
nor will I let her run this marriage.
That's not what I'm saying.
I mean, you expect me to just sit back
and watch her have a field day with decision making?
She will lose respect for me as a man.
No, she will gain respect for you as a husband.
Stephan, man, the woman is slowly trying to
change me.
I mean, into what, I don't even know.
I mean, she'll read a book and start acting
totally different.
Oh, and now, now she's even going back to church.
Well, what's wrong with that?
Well, nothing until she started trying to make
me go with her.
Look, I don't want to go to church.
I went to church when I was little,
and I grew out of it as I became older.
Man, look, I just believe that church isn't for
everybody, okay?
I mean, she can go to church if she wants to.
Hell, the woman can live at the church for all
I care,
but I cannot and I will not let Melody change me.
You always were stubborn and had to be in control.
You remember when we were kids
and you changed the name of that game Simon
Says to Patrick Says?
Man, come on, you know there wasn't nobody in
the projects named Simon.
I mean, besides, I always won the game King of
the Hill,
so I earned the game being named after me.
Yeah, but you literally had to step on people's heads
to get to the top of the hill.
Oh, man, that's life.
That's deep.
And you were nine years old and felt like you
had to be in control.
Now you're 29 and you still have that same belief.
Come on, man, that same belief turned me
into student body president at our high school,
BSA president at our college.
That same belief made me an entrepreneur as I
became older.
Man, there is nothing wrong with believing in
yourself to be a leader.
No, the problem with Melody is she doesn't
believe in me.
Yeah, she does.
No, if she did, she wouldn't believe I had to
become someone else.
Not someone else, just someone better.
So everything's wrong with me?
I mean, am I the beast of the east or something?
Baby, I'm a big bad wolf. Is that who I am?
Man, the woman loves you.
The woman loves me.
You know what, Stefan?
That might mean a whole lot,
coming from somebody who actually knows what
love is.
Oh, yeah, man, you don't know what love is.
You have sex with every girl you meet,
break their hearts, and never call them again.
Is that love?
What'd you say?
Look, man, when you find love, maybe you could
tell me about it.
Man, I'm just trying to help you out.
Now, I thought we were discussing you and your
relationship, not me.
But I noticed something, though.
Man, you've got something that every man dreams of.
Oh, yeah, and what's that?
A beautiful and faithful wife.
Yeah, that's pretty damn hard to find these days,
and I just don't want to see you throw it away, Bro.
Hold on, man, I'm glad you can notice what I
have, okay?
And you know what, maybe you can have it for
yourself one day,
and if and when you do, run it however you choose.
Patrick, man, I'm your homeboy.
Yeah, but you're not in my home, boy.
Look, Stefan, I appreciate you as a friend, okay?
But please, don't try to be my marriage counselor.
Maybe it's just me, but didn't that fool just
ask me for my opinion?
Come talking to me about,
Stefan, I really need you to help me clean up
my house.
I'm telling you, don't ever get involved in
other people's relationships.
Who is it? Simone.
Okay, I'll be right there. Hi.
Hello, and how are you?
Oh, blessed, prosperous, and highly favored of
the Lord. Yourself?
I'm tied to have a seat.
Oh, this is a nice place you have.
Oh, a guitar.
Do you play?
Yeah, when I have someone to play it for.
Well, what does that mean?
Maybe one day you'll find out.
I am so excited, Stefan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you mind if I call you by your first name?
I feel people of the clergy should be given a
certain level of respect
when being addressed.
Girl, I'm not like that.
I'm down to earth.
Now, remember, I told you before you could call
me by my first name.
Just out of respect.
So, what book and chapter do you want to study tonight?
Second Moses, chapter four.
You are so silly.
You know there's no such book.
You're talking about the book of Exodus, right?
Of course, girl.
Yeah, of course.
Second Moses.
Oh, this is awesome.
My pastor just preached on this recently.
Read verse six and seven.
Furthermore, the Lord said unto him, Now put
your hand into your bosom.
So he put his hand into his bosom.
See, I was simply trying to illustrate what God
was telling us to do
when he said to put your hand into your bosom.
Just read.
Pick up right there.
So he put his hand.
So he put his hand into his bosom.
When he took his hand out of his bosom, it was
leverage like snow.
So he said, Put your hand into your bosom again.
So he put his hand into his bosom again.
When he took his hand out of his bosom, the
whole dirge was restored
like the rest of his flesh.
Oh, so tell me, what do you think God is trying
to show us?
Well, well, well, well, now, now see what God
is saying is that
it's normal for you to reach your hand into
your robe and touch your chest.
Stay with me, stay with me.
Cause when you do, make sure that you do it twice.
Cause doing it once will lead you, lead you.
Oh, I tell my yellow Bodja, oh I tell my yellow Bodja.
Oh, it's coming home on a Hyundai.
Hey, wow.
Are you okay?
Do you need some water?
Hold on.
Wait a minute.
At what church do you minister?
The church for the people who follow God.com. .com?
Well, yeah, it's an internet church.
Everything else is on the internet, so I
figured why not?
I'm not really a minister, gotcha.
You're not a minister.
You said your name was Minister Johnson.
No, I said Mr. Johnson.
And when you got excited when you thought I
said minister,
I just decided to go along with you.
And besides, I knew you wouldn't give me the
time of day if you knew I wasn't a Christian.
And how did you know that?
Because you said, I don't give guys that time
of day unless they are Christian.
Overheard you and your friend at lunch talking
about God
and how you thought it would be nice to be
married to a preacher.
Oh, so you were eavesdropping on my conversation.
No, see what had happened was I was sitting at
the table directly behind you
and I couldn't help but overhear you. Whatever.
Oh, come on now.
Don't do me like that.
Do you like what?
Let me just walk out on me.
Stephan, you are childish, immature, and very deceptive.
And to think you would stoop this low and tell
me you were a minister.
Oh, okay, I agree.
Especially the part about stooping low and
saying that I was a minister.
That's ridiculous.
I should have said I was a bishop.
Uh-uh, see, I should have just known to never...
Girl, I'm just playing, girl.
Just try to use attention a little bit.
Ah, girl, ah, come on, ah.
Well, I'm sorry.
But what's a man supposed to do when he sees a
woman as beautiful as you?
Tell the truth.
A beautiful face can make a man do and say some
dumb things sometimes.
Oh, that is so typical.
So you were only attracted to me because of the
way I look?
Why do women play games?
If a man approaches you from way across the
room in a club,
do you actually think he can see your personality?
I don't do clubs.
Oh, well, even in church.
A man has to be attracted to you in some way,
and women are the same way.
Girl, you know you don't want no ugly men.
No, I don't.
But a personality is very important.
True that, but see, my philosophy is the looks
let you meet me
and the personality lets you keep me.
Well, mine is if a man isn't in Christ, I can't
be his wife.
Who's talking about marriage here?
I just want to be your friend.
Stephon, be honest with yourself.
How many female friends do you have that you
have not had sex with?
Monique, ooh, I hit that.
Denise, ooh.
Well, none at the moment.
But I figure you could be the first one.
Look, all I want to do is just take you out to
dinner tonight
so that we can have a chance to get to know
each other better.
Now, that sounds like a date to me.
Stephon, look, you may be a nice guy, I don't
doubt that,
but our singles ministry teaches us not to go
out with guys
unless they are Christian.
Now, you say all you want is friendship, but
deep down inside,
I know you want sex.
I can't believe you just judged me like that.
Doesn't the Bible say something about judging people?
Am I lying?
Sex came up, I wouldn't be crazy enough to turn
it down.
Thought so.
Oh, come on now, girl.
Dang, what do you expect now?
I'm not gay.
Well, maybe not, but I no longer want to go
down that route,
get my emotions all tied up in a guy that's not
mine to begin with.
And all I want to do is just take you out.
Maybe we can knock out two birds with one stone.
How about I let you take me out Sunday morning
to church?
Hell no.
I mean, excuse me, but that ain't what I had in mind.
Are you a vampire or something?
Why are you so scared of church, Stefan?
I ain't scared of church.
Just every time I go to church, the preacher be
making me feel bad.
Like how?
You know, it comes a time in all of our lives
that we have problems.
And I remember one time I was having problems
with the woman that I love,
and I called on the phone and I just couldn't
get an answer.
And then I went to her house and I saw her car
parked on the driveway.
I knocked on the door, but still my knocks got,
went unanswered.
And then I went home and I played my records
until I just didn't want to hear them anymore.
And then I watched television until television
went off.
And finally I went to bed, but I found myself
waking up a few hours later,
and the tears were just running down my face.
And I know all of y'all done heard that it's a
sign of weakness for a man to cry,
but I don't believe it for one second.
Because every time I read the newspaper, it
tell me that women live longer.
I think that's because women let it out and men
try to hold it in.
I want to tell you brothers in Dallas tonight,
you feel like crying,
and you don't want nobody to see you cry, go
outside and cry if you got to.
Make you live a little bit longer.
And you know sometimes you can go to your
friends and seek advice,
and your friends can give you the wrong advice.
And my friend told me, he said, if I were you,
I would just forget about it.
But you know, I told my friend, I said, maybe
you've never been in love like I've been in love.
And maybe you've never felt the things that I felt.
And my friend said, I know you got some money
in the bank.
He said, if I were you, I'd go get some of that
money and take myself a vacation
and get my head together.
But you know, I told my friend, I said, you know,
maybe you've never felt the things that I felt.