The Fairfield Recorder. (Fairfield, Tex.), Vol. 28, No. 33, Ed. 1 Friday, May 6, 1904 Page: 4 of 4
four pages : ill. ; page 22 x 15 in. Digitized from 35 mm. microfilm.View a full description of this newspaper.
Extracted Text
The following text was automatically extracted from the image on this page using optical character recognition software:
i
k
owser’s Experiment
The Little Boy W*»
Able to Suggest It
He Tries to Find Out
Milk Punches In
but the
the Difference Between Cocktails ant
the Interest of Future Statistics,
Cat Upsets Kis Plans
(Copyright, 1904, by C. D. Lewis,}
Jk LETTER had been loft at tbo
house for Mr. Bowser (luring
Ji ^ the afternoon by the postman,
and after reading It, as he
cnnio home from the office, he observed
to Mrs. Bowser:
'It Is from the secretary of the Blue
•lay club, and lie wants
a few statistics.”
"Is that the club you attended one
night and came borne to—to”— she ful-
lered In reply.
"I came home (o what?"
“Never mind.”
'But 1 do mind. You are Intimating
that 1 came home out of my normal
condition In some way. I want to
know what you mean.”
"Well, you didn’t get home until after
midnight, and 1 found you looking all
over the front steps for the keyhole of
THE CAT HAD
I.ATPED
PUNCH.
and stick to cold water?” asked Mrs.
Bowser.
"It may come to that, my dear,
though there Is no conviviality about
cold water. I shall first experiment on
this substitute, and 1/ 1 find that
does not fill the bill I shall probably
recommend water with a little dash of
to compile paregoric In It. I will leave you these
statistics to look over and go down and
make a milk punch to give the matter
a test.'
Mrs. Bowser exhibited no Interest lh
the statistics, hut Mr. Bowser and the
cut descended to the basement and pro-
pared the flowing bowl. It was a hot
milk punch, to agree with the season,
and It was left on—tbe table to cool
while Mr. Bowser ascended the stairs
to say:
"A few Jealous minded persons who
fall to grasp the magnitude of the ques-
tion will probably refer to me as 'Milk
Punch Bowser,’ but such n term will
simply be overwhelmed by the plaudits
of the nation. I am much more likely
to live In history as ‘Bowser the EX-
perlmenter’ or 'Bowser the Saver ot
Thousands.' ”
“What Is a milk punch made of?"
asked Mrs. Bowser ns she looked him
straight In the eye.
“Well—or—well, It's principally milk,
you know. But for milk what would
become of the babies? I have some-
times thought that If all the cows
should die”—
“What else besides milk?”
“What else? Why, they dash a little
—little whisky or rum Into the glass, I
believe, and sometimes grate In a little
nutmeg. The Idea Is to tickle the pal-
ate nud keep the bruin clear at the same
time. Statistics show”—
“I don’t care ubout statistics,” Inter-
rupted Mrs. Bowser. “What Is a cock-
tail made of?”
“A cocktail? Why—er—let’s see. A
cocktail Is made of several things,
believe, and all warranted to wreck
happy homes and bring gray hairs to
1 the grave. I have never seen a man
I mix one, but I know he mixes at least
\ three drinks together and hopes you'll
go home and kill your wife and cripple
** J^kIORE8SINQ here for a moment,"
1 W said the distinguished lecturer,
“let ns consider whut we might
call the malevolence of nature. Did
you ever reflect upon the fact that
nearly all the naturul forces, If left to
their operation unresisted, work for
our destruction? Fire, or heat, kills
the principle of life. Cold, or the ab-
sence of heat, does the same thing.
The naturul gases are fatnl -to life.
Gruvlty Is one of the most destructive
of forces. A full from any considera-
bly height will kill Instantly. Water,
whose praises the poets sing. Is oqnal-
ly destructive. If we fall Into deep
water we drown unless we have learn-
ed how to resist that same fatal force
of gravity by acquiring the art of
swimming. Even the simple act of
walking la the perpetual recovery from
ati Incipient fall. The things we crave
most are Injurious to us. There are a
hundred poisons for eVery remedy.
We get disease for nothing, but we
have to pay for good health. The nlr
we breathe, the water we drink and the
food we cat are full of deadly germs.
Life is a constant strugglo against {he
malignity of nature. Yet we are told
to look upon the bright side of things.
What Is the bright side?”
The speaker paused Impressively and
a little boy in the audience piped out:
“You git a hundred dollars fur corn-
in’ hero nn’ tellln’ us nil this, .don’t
you?”—Chicago Tribune.
In n find W«r.
Ut* THE MILK
the door. You said It was the horse-
radish you had at the club dinner that
affected you.” '
"By thunder, woman, 1 won’t stand
for this, but I”—
Mr. Bowser stopped there for a min- r - -
ute, and then his voice softened as he Your children. I tell you, Mrs. Bowser,
continued: if you knew half the evils of cocktail
MI bcK your pardon. Yes, I admit I driving, U you knew of the hardwork-
canio homo a little befogged. It wasn’t turned outdoors and the In-
the radishes, Mrs. Bowser, but It was
the drinks, the cocktails. That hits this
case exactly. The Blue Jays desire to
swear off on cocktails and find a harm-
less beverage to take their place. It
must be something a little more con-
vivial thnn ginger ale and yet without
the exhilaration of a cocktail. In other
words. It must warm the cockles of the
heart and yet prevent the wheels from
going round In the head.”
“I thought you suld the secretary
wanted statistics.”
"He does, but I can supply them by
tbe cart load. He also wants me to ex-
periment a little with nlilk punches.
If the milk punch can bo made to take
nocent children made to suffer, you
would agree with me that If I took a
whole year to find a substitute it would
be money' well spent.”
"Well, go ahead, but, of eouree, It
will turn out like all your other fads.”
“Fads, my dear— fad*7 When did yon
ever know me to have a fad? No one Is
more clear of them. I am simply go-
ing to make nn experiment In hopes to
save this American nation $16,000,000
a year and the lives of 10,000 people.
I tun going to show the members of
the Bine Jay and all other clubs that”—
“Your punch must be ready by thla
time,” she interrupted.
“Yea, I think It Is, and I’ll go dowu
“WELL, THERE’S YOUR HX-PEBIMENT,” SAID MR8. BOWSER.
the place of the cocktail, then the
question Is solved. In the course of a
couple of hours I shall be able to deter-
mine the question.”
“You’d better let the club do Its own
experimenting.” observed Mrs. Bowser.
“It’s a funny thing that you are always
picked out for such occasions. If the
secretary wants to find out the differ-
ence between cocktails and milk punch-
es, let him guzzle.”
Mr. Bowser flushed red and white,
and the cat thought he was going to
get up and kick over chairs, but with a
great effort he restrained himself and
took a piece of paper from his pocket
and said:
"I see that you do not yet compre-
hend the size of the situation or the
gravity of the occasion. Let me give
you a few statistics. More than $16,-
000,000 per year Is paid out for cock-
tails. At least 10,000 drunkards are
made every year through the Influence
of those drinks. The number of mur-
ders Is about 4,000, and the number of
happy homes w recked Is 7,600. . Last
yeas, for instance, tbe number of en-
gagements broken off between loving
couple* for no other reason outside of
cocktails was 27,000. Cocktails are de-
generating the Intellect of this country
more thnn all other dflnks combined,
and If a substitute is not soon found
we must as a nation take third or
fourth place. If one cocktail will act
on a man as it did on me, you must
realize the danger we are In as a na-
"Than why not let everything go
and drink it and then take pencil and
paper and record my feelings as they
transpire.” B
Mr. Bowser went whistling down the
basement stairs, but after a moment
he came bounding up again with his
eyes bulging out to exclaim:
“The cat—the cat! The punch—the
punch!”
"What do you mean?”
“The cat has lapped up every drop
of that punch and Is drunker than a
fool! Here she comes now!”
It was true. The cat had found the
substitute to her liking and lapped
It up, and she bad a Jag on. She rolled
her eyes, waved her tall and humped
her back, and as Mr. Bowser pnshed a
chair at her she uttered several blood
curdling meows and then began to
circle around the room. She went over
and under chain, np on tbe mantel
and down, over tbe piano and under
the lounge, and wherever she went she
left a trail of broken bric-a-brac be-
hind. At length, with a terrific yeowl
and a spit, she made for a rear win-
dow and carried oat the glass and
landed In the back yard.
, “Well, there’s your experiment,”
said Mrs. Bowser as she nodded her
bead.
“And—and—woma n—woman P began
Mr. Bowser, but she interrupted him:
“Not a word, sir! You pick up tbe
pieces and then dribk a gloss of cold
water with a dash of vinegar In it and
go to bed. There won’t be any more
Bine Jay experiments around here to-
night!” M. QUAD.
Inopportune.
“Did I Interrupt you at an Inoppor-
tune moment?” said tbe visitor after
the eligible young man bad departed.
“I’m afraid you did,” replied the fair
girl. “I bad Just asked Mr. Tlmmld
to mnrry sme, and your sodden en-
trance euanfed him to say. Til see you
inter,’ and then retreat"—Denver
News.
What He Scut,
Naggsby—That man seems to bo get-
ting up In the world.
Waggsby—Yes, nnd he does It by
getting down In the world.
Naggsby—What do yon mean?
Waggsby- He’s a feather merchant
—Baltimore American.
Baallr Dose.
“How did she get so tangled up la
history? That was one of her favorite
studies at school, nnd she always stood
high in It”
“True, but she has been reading his-
torical novels recently.
She—Don’t look so cast down, dear-
est. Papa has given us the bouse and
says he will pay for my clothes after
we are married.
He—I am wondering who is going to
pay for my clothes, and what we shall
have to eat
Not That Kind of a Lord.
Two urchins were playing In front of
dwelling on the upper west side.
The owner of the property passed and
the larger of the little chaps said:
"There goes our landlord.”
“No, he lthn’t,” lisped the other.
“Yes, ho Is,” Insisted the first.
“ne Ithn’t,” repeated tlie smaller.
“Well, he is. My mamma.said so,
and she knows.”
“But he can’t be,” the other said.
“The Lord lives np In the sky.”
“That’s nnother kind of a lord," ex-
claimed the larger lad.—Now York
Press.
The Main Question.
‘Somebody wants to sec yon, sir,”
said the office boy.
“Did you get bis name, Jimmy?"
“No, sir.”
“You’ve been guilty of a serious
oversight, Jimmy.”
"He said ho wanted to see you.”
“But that’s comparatively unimpor-
tant, Jimmy. Tbe mnln question Is,
Do I want to see him?”—Brooklyn
Eagle.
He Hadn't.
Lem Davis (to Ike Cochran, who had
his footAtled up)—What’s the matter
with you?
Ike Cochran—'Tried to kick a prospec-
tive son-in-law out last night In my
stockin' foot. Consarn him! He had
the impudence to turn around and ask
me if I had another kick cornin'.—Cleve-
land Leader.
Th* Brlltok
It Is among the things generally
known that the guinea obtained Its
mime from the gold from which it was
made having Iraeq brought from the
Guinea coast by tbs African company
of traders. Ths first notice of thla
gold was In 1049, (luring the common-
wealth of England, when on tbe 14th of
April of that year the parliament re-
ferred to the council of state a paper
presented to the house concerning the
coinage of gold brought In a ship lately
come from “Gnlny” for the better ad-
vancing of trade. But It was In the
reign of Charles II. that the name was
first given to this coin. It la among
things not generally known that when
the guinea was originally coined the
Intention was to make It current as a
twenty shilling piece, but from nn er-
ror. or rnthor n series of errors, In cal-
culating the exact proportions of the
value of gold and silver It never dr-
eulated for that value. Sir Isaac NfW-
ton in his time fixed the true value of
the guinea In relation .to sliver at 20s.
fid., nnd by bin advice the crown pro-
claimed that for the future It should
be current ot 21 shillings.
RlarM In Lins.
Illeks—He's trying berrr culture now,
you know, and he says he’s having
considerable success.
Wicks—Yes?
Hicks—Yes, although be admits the
returns are small as yet.
Wicks — Well, that sounds natural.
You might enll that “success, with small
fruits.”—Catholic Standard and Times.
■>
: PreparationforAs
slmflating foe Food and Reg ula
ling the Stomachs and Bowls of
Caution.
“What kind of a show have you?”
the manager was asked.
“Well," he replied gUAidmhy, “that
depends on whether I am talking to
the public or revising the salary list.”—
Chicago Post
Promotes Digestion.ChrerfuF
ness and Rest.Contains neither
Opium,Morphine nor Mineral.
notHarcotic.
n'V$0fOLU*SiMUKLPtrCNlR
HAIR BAL8AM
A perfect Remedy for Cons tipa
Hon. Sour Stomach,Diarrhoea
Worms .Convulsions .Feverish
ness and Load OF SLEEP.
Facsimile Signature of
NEW YORK.
A I b i i • i * i • 11 s 11111
} ) Dtisis- {j C i ms
For Infants and Children.
I The Kind You Have
Always Bought
Bears the
Signature
of
‘-'I
In
se
For Over
Thirty Years
CASTOBP
—9mm, acw tom mw.
13
The Only Way to jg
Keep Posted on County News
Is to Read
THE FAIRFIELD RECORDER
H
Our able corps of local Correspondents fur-
msh us with the neighborhood news from f Ss
neaidy every section of the county, while IS*
our Local Editor gathers all the news of M
the Courts and items of news that will in- IS
terest our readers jg
This is a Campaign Year and
You Should by all Means Read the
RECORDER and Keep Posted
One Year $1. Six-Months 50c.
A Word to the Business Men of
Freestone County
Last summer—expecting a prosperous sea-
son—we bought a large stock of stationery
Envelopes, Letter Heads, Note Heads, Bill
Heads, Etc. As a result of the dull season
we are over stocked and in order to get rid
of some of this stock, we can furnish you
job printing at prices that will astonish
you; and guarantee good quality of paper
and up to date printing. Give us an order
'either in person or by mail It will have
prompt attentioa
mnmntm am i
THE T?,
UUUUUUiU ■*!
1
!'
I
1
"1
v “**-r*1
Search Inside
This issue can be searched. Note: Results may vary based on the legibility of text within the document.
Tools / Downloads
Get a copy of this page or view the extracted text.
Citing and Sharing
Basic information for referencing this web page. We also provide extended guidance on usage rights, references, copying or embedding.
Reference the current page of this Newspaper.
Kirgan, Lee. The Fairfield Recorder. (Fairfield, Tex.), Vol. 28, No. 33, Ed. 1 Friday, May 6, 1904, newspaper, May 6, 1904; Fairfield, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1107169/m1/4/: accessed August 15, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Fairfield Library.