The San Antonio Light (San Antonio, Tex.), Vol. 43, No. 324, Ed. 1 Sunday, December 9, 1923 Page: 28 of 76
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8-B
FACT AND FANCY IN HUMOROUS VEIN
Excursions in Contentment
By O. 0. MTNTYRE.
I have been reading somewhere
that contenment is only a mirage and
back of it all is ever the black cloud
of disappointment. Perhaps the
greatest desire of the world is for
contentment. It is the supreme apol-
ogia of life.
I have been trying to think of the
most contented human being I know.
His name comes to me. He does not
live in a city. He knows nothing
of the whirl of life—the theatre the
cabaret and false glitter.
He is a guide in Maine whose eon-
tact with people is seldom. His
friends are the trees the hills the
lakes and the birds. He has al-
ways been reconciled with life. He
has found content.
The most discontented man I know
is a middle aied man who according
to onr jnaterial conception has every-
thing—money power fame health
and brains.
His moments of content are transi-
tory. iHe worries when things go
along smoothly for fear something will
happen. And he worries when af-
fairs are chaotic for fear he will
"Now I look forward to evening when I ait with my back to a tree and
look over the valley.”
never be able to right them.
Contenment In Simple life.
It is always argued we cannot find
contenment in the material. We
hear a lot about our ‘‘discontented
rich” and my observation of them
leads me to believe it is largely true.
Yet most of us who are not rich
are discontented because of the lack.
It has been my impression there is
more of genuine contenment in the vil-
lage than in the city. Indeed it
strikes me real contenment is achiev-
ed only by simplicity in living.
I know a man who was born and
raised in New York. His fleeting
periods of contentment were found in
a couple of whiskey and sodas in a
new suit of clothes a new motor car
a new play or social gathering.
But he was restless and unhappy
most of the time. He was forced
to go to Arizona and live in a
tent. He was there three years and
might have returned to the city he
knew so well but he did not.
He wrote to me: ‘‘l find that I am
at peace in my contact with Nature.
Nature has become my God. Whereas
I used to look forward to a first night
at the old Empire I now look for-
'ward to evening where I sit with my
beck to a tree and look over the
▼alley;
“I see the shepherd going down the
winding path. Do you remember
Remington's picture of him in a
storm? He seems a lonely figure yet
he has achieved what men have
searched for through the ages—con-
tenment.
"I am enthralled by spring when
little green things are trying to
struggle above the ground. I like the
smell and fragrance that comes from
the earth. The odor of wood smoke
coming from some far away cabin
refreshes me.
"It has been puzzling to my own
mind to realize I am a man who for
years pitied those who did not live
in New York. Now my pity is re-
versed. I have found happiness where
I least expected it.”
World Ixwks Black.
My most acute attack of nostal-
gia came to me when I had quitted
School and went to a little western
village. I arrived at dusk. The fu-
ture was uncertain and an unbearable
soul sickness come over me. The
chirp of the crickets and the far
away hoot of an owl added to my
senses of desolation.
Yet in two weeks I had learned to
love that little town and only an
accidental chance sent me back to
the city. I have often wondered if I
would have been happier there and
sometimes I feel I might have been.
At heart I have always been n
country boy. The gieafw-t compliment
I ever received to my notion was from
a rough hewn old Montana ranch-
man. He was a character. I visit-
ed him on his ranch. He met the
others who knew him well with ex-
treme cordiality and rather uncouth
speech. When he saw me he froze up.
I was to his mind ‘citified.”
I carried n cane. I wore a wrist
watch. I was out of the picture. That
afternoon he and I rode out to see
some cattle. I tried to talk to him
frankly and naturally despite the bar-
rier he had built up between us.
He finallv began to thaw out.
When Ue returned to the ranch house
we sat about on a fence in the cow
yard. Me talked of many things.
Finally this old fellow who greeted
those whom Ue loved only by uumen-
SUNDAY.
tionable names dropped the "Mister.”
I was making headway.
And after supper that night he sud-
denly exclaimed: ‘Why dad burn it.
you are nothing but a flop-cared old
country boy. I'm going to ‘neck’
you.” And he came over and threw
his arms around me in a hearty em-
brace.
Formality Breeds Discontent.
It is intolerable formality of a
city that breeds a great discontent.
It is pretty difficult to be natural
when one is judged by clothes or
ability to pick up the right fork at
dinner.
Where the people are herded the
thickest there seems to be the greatst
discontent. In that human apiary—-
the East Side —where thousands
squirm about in a wriggling con-
glomerate mass there is eternal woe.
I have seen greater poverty than
this in the mountains of Kentucky but
there is a sense of happiness. The
hillside farmer with his two acres a
rusty shotgun and a dog is _ rarely
gloomy. He is hardly ever driven to
suicide as are the people in the teem-
ing tenements of the city.
Of course we should try earnestly
to be converted wherever we arc. It
is after all an attitude of mind. It
may be cultivated. It has struck me
the most harassed men in the world
are those who stand all day at the in-
formation bureau of great railroad
terminals.
From morning until night a stream
of people stand in line to bombard
them with questions. They must
know the connection at Sioux City
the leading hotel in Sinking Springs
and the price of a narlor car from
Indianapolis to St. Louis. It never
seemed to me they eould get much
happiness out of life.
I talked to one of the gray haired
old veterans of a bureau the otner
day. He snid he was always contented.
He had he said acquired ‘the habit
of contentment.” His work became
merely mechanical. While he was
telling the traveler the time the
Santa Fe left Chicago he was really
building air castles of the day when
he would retire and live in peace on
his farm in New Jersey.
As we grow old the mind dips more
naturally into discouragement and
despair. Youth is resonant. It cares
nothing for a contented old age. The
today is here.
Wishing for what we have not is
one of our greatest sources of dis-
content. I can recall that two condi-
tions in life I craved more than any-
thing else were realized. But with the
realization came no greater happiness.
Great ambitions when realized often
cloy. Our beloved president many
years had his eye on national leader-
ship. But no sooner had he become
an occupant of the White House than
his eyes and thoughts turned to Ma-
rion. Ohio. His idle moments were
spent dreaming of his return there.
Oscar Wilde used to regale his cron-
ies with the story of a friend who was
always hoping some sudden windfall
would give him an independent for-
tune. By a process of trickery it was
arranged tp make the fellow believe
he had suddenly come into a compe-
tence. The news was told to him
in the evening. He sat about with
his friends until nearly dawn and
then began to weep. He could see no
happiness in the future. He want-
ed to be just as he was and after
he was told it was all a hoax he shout-
ed with joy.
Perhaps however a supremely con-
tented people would be a national
menace to progress. There may be
after all some virtue in worry. It
was David Harum who said a reason-
able amount of fleas was good for a
dog because they made him forget be-
ing a dog. And there are some people
who seem to find contentment in
worrying about the banana shortage.
(Copyright 1923 The McNaught Syn-
dicate Inc. I
Trapped
No one ever loved a good story or
could tell one better than Father Gay
and in one of his best he himself was
the victim. It all came about in this
way.
“I say Father do you think it right
for a man to profit by the mistakes of
others?”
"Of course not” responded Father
Gay promptly.
"Well. then perhaps you’d like to
return the fee I gave you for marry-
ing me."—Los Angeles Times.
In one of the States of the Sunny
South there stood a war-time House
that had six white Columns along
the Veranda and the Chimney ran
up the outside of the Wall. This
House was the Abode of a Colonel who
had Manners of the Old School. All
the First Families in the State were
related to him.
He was proud of hfs Ancestry and
he carried the Scars to prove that he
would resent an Insult.
Now it happened that those Amend-
ments which liberated the Cake-
Walkers and made them practically
White signified nothing to him. He
had been Reconstructed but it didn't
take.
He eould still remember the Old
Days when the Colored Brethern did
not go north in the Spring and come
back in the Fall wearing pearl-col-
ored Fedoras.
They remained right on the Plan-
tation never asking for any Pay
Checks and playing the Banjo on re-
quest. They tilled the Fields and
provided Free Vaudville and got
their Possum at least three times a
Year.
The Colonel treasured the Belief
that the Emancipation Proclamation
had injured and demoralized the
simple-minded Senegambians.
■While on a Business Trip to the
North the Colonel stopped at a gaudy
Hotel with all kinds of Mirrors and
onyx Stair Rails.
The Head Waiter at this Hotel was
a Colored Gentleman with a glazed
Front and a Drers Suit that fit him
loose and easy.
His name was Mr. Winfield. He
was President of the Colored Wait-
ers’ Union. Vice President of the Re-
publican County Central Committee
and Regal Commander of the Princes
of Ethiopia.
His Pappy had lived in the Quar-
ters but Mr. Winfield had . Bungalow
With a Talking Machine and Oriental
Rugs. He had not ridden on a Jim
Crow Car since Childhood and he
wasn't burdened so you could notice
it with any Complex of Inferiority.
Fails to Start Race War.
He wore his Honors with becom-
ing Modesty but he safeguarded the
Dignity of his Official Position. He
showed People where to sit in thq
Dining Room and those who failed to
obey usually had to wait for their
Vermicelli.
Mr. Winfield favorcif his Feet some-
what on account of the Marble Floor
which caused him to walk syncopated
but. everything considered he was
quite important and fairly warm.
One morning the Colonel went into
the Dining Room and after he hnd
seated himself he called Mr. Winfield
to him and said he wanted some Hot
i I
1 I
While peace officers in Bexar
county busy with their numerous du-
ties of serving the district courts and
serving papers have been content in
the past to let national prohibition
enforcement officers and the state
rangers look after the strict enforce-
ment of the Volstead act there is one
special deputy who seems intent on
performing even this service. On one
occasion however his eagerness to
bring to justice the man who dared
violate this law caused him consider-
able inconveniences.
'llie deputy who only carries a spe-
cial commission' and serves in eases
of emergency was making a cross
country trip and was sevejal miles
from San Antonio. He had gone out
into the country to make an arrest up-
on directions frqm the sheriff's of-
fice. He failed to find his man.
As he was driving along however
he saw two men examining what
looked like a bottle of "moonshine.”
The deputy with visions of headlines
about his having arrested two “boot-
leggers” slowed down his car and
when he reached the scene placed
the two men under arrest. The bot-
tle they carried was confiscated as
“evidence.”
He drove with his two prisoners
to the Bexar county jail and offered
to deliver them to the jailer.
“What’s the charge?” the jailer In-
quired. _
“Havin' likker” the special deputy
replied.
“Where is it?” asked the jailer.
“Here” said the deputy promptly
producing the bottle. The jailer took
a sniff.
“It's oil and lubricating oil at that”
pronounced the jailer in disgust.
“Guess you're turned loose” the
special deputy told his prisoners.
“Guess so but at the same time
we'd like to be taken back where
you got ns” spoke up one of the
men.
“He’s right” chimed in the jail-
The special deputy returned the un-
offending men to their respective
homes vowing hereafter to steer
clear of the enforcement of the pro-
hibition daws.
“Old Timer" was stamped on every
line of his grizzled face and it was
reiterated in the long body and legs
of the typical Texan. He was walk-
ing in one of the suburbs and will-
ingly accepted an invitation to ride
into town when''* passing motorist
offered.
It was the morning after the bond
election and the old timer asked:
“How did the flood bonds come
out?"
The motorist informed him they had
passed by a majority of nearly 2000.
“I thought they would” said the
old timer “although there was a lot
of folks out my way that was agin’
’em. But I tell you when that darn
little Johnnie Tobin goes after any-
thing he generally gets it. lie’s just
n natural born vote getter. I guess
it was about twenty years ago that
I voted agin him ’ twice and both
times he won so I just says to my-
self 'what's the use n-boeking him?’
aud ever since then I voffwith him.”
The Fable of the Ex-Chattel
Biscuit. At the same time he ad-
dressed Mr. Winfield as a Negro only
he pronounced it - j that it ended with
an “r.” %
Mr. Winfield did not know that this
was a Term of Endearment in Apa-
hatchie County so he picked up n
Silver Fruit Dish and bounced it
against the Colonel’s Head.
The Colonel arose and pulled his
Persuader expecting to make it a
case of Justifiable Homicide bnt two
Waiters named George and Grant
grabbed him and backed him up
against the wall.
What Do You Know About That?
A SAN ANTONIO BANKER WHO VISITED in New York recently
tells of an experience in the hotel cafe. The cheapest thing on the bill of
fare was a chop at $1.75 and being a frugal man trying to accumulate his
second million dollars he ordered it. After a brief time the waiter returned
and said: “Boss I'se sorry but we’se all out of that.”
D. D. MARLEY EXPLAINS THAT WOMEN are not as enthusiastic
as men about radio because they do not like to listen where they can't talk
back.
MAJOR RALPH ROYCE COMMANDANT at Brooks Field called the
Rotary Club's attention Friday to a little known distinction that is San
Antonio's. Owing to the niggardly governmental policy with regard to the
air service—those are not his words—San Antonio is the only city in the
United States that oould be successfully defender! from an air attack be-
cause it is the only one with sufficient airplanes and fliers to put up any
kind of a defense.
A WELL KNOWN SAN ANTONIO DOCTOR says the women in his
set always expect him to shock them when nny philosophical discussion is
in progress and he tries never to disappoint them although he has to think
a lot harder to do it now than ten years ago.
PREPARATIONS FOR NEW YEAR celebrations are forecasted in
the report of a salesman in a downtown store that during a special sale 71
silver pocket flasks were disposed of in one afternoon to optimistic cus-
tomers.
A LAUREL HEIGHTS SUB-DEB reading some of those “Facts
Worth Knowing” in a magazine came across this one: “A Venezuelan rail-
way from Caracas to Valencie has SO tunnels in only 55 miles.” Her ecstatic
comment was; “Oh for a honeymoon there!”
WHEN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT makes a run past a certain office
all the employes who can get there rush to the window. This happened the
other morning when it was rather cold nnd the windows were down. One
of the men jerked the window up and thrust his head through. He is
wearing a large bump. The top section was down too.
SAN ANTONIO PREACHERS FORMED the entire audience at a
recent lecture. When they entered the hall they filled the back seats leaving
all the front rows vacant. It took an inv^tion from the presiding officer tv
coax them up nearer the speaker.
A DISABLED WAR VETERAN WHO HAS submitted an endless
stream of affidavits to Washington in an effort to get compensation was
asked by his wife to bring home a loaf of bread. He arrived home without
it and his alibi was that the only bakery he passed was one with the sign
"Federal System of Bakeries” and he was afraid tjiey’d want an affidavit
before they'd sell to him.
AN ERUDITE SAN ANTONIO professional man has entered a letter
in the prohibition prize contest being conducted by a national magazine. He
seriously advocates "some method of getting rid of the fanatic pros and
the bootleggers who are working together to make it uncomfortable for the
rest of us.” '
NOW THAT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE who read the movie sub-
titles aloud and one of those who blows his automobile horn to call his
“sweetie” from her home have been shot the Cuss and I)iscuss Club expects
to hear of the death soon of one of those pedestrians who intentionally slow
up and sneer when passing in front of a moving automobile.
THERE IS ONE ANTI-PROHIBITIONIST in San Antonio who has
such a difficult time getting a drink from the bootleggers that he has had
to quit smoking a pipe and wearing his glasses. With the pipe in his mouth
and the spectacles on he resembled a certain federal officer so much that all
the bootleggers fought shy of him.
THE OWNER OF A RADIO RECEIVING set vouches for the truth
of this one. A friend was calling on him and enjoying his first experience
in “fishing” for broadcasting stations. He hnd picked up Kansas Cty.
Chicago. Denver and Fort Worth and then ran into some static whereupon
he shouted joyously: “Holy cot I I’ve got some Chinese station.”
THIS COLUMN IS AT A DISADVANTAGE at this season of the year
because of its youth. There are no last year's Christmas jokes to be dusted
off and re served to its readers.
THE SAN ANTONIO LIGHT.
By GEORGB ADB7
An Opening for the Court.
There were other Guests in the
Dining Room but they did not jump
in with any Gun Plays and make it a
Race War because Apahatchie Coun-
ty was night hundred miles away.
One of them co-operated to the ex-
tent of ringing three times for a
Policeman.
The Officer of the Law who arrived
in a few minutes was Mr. Otis Beas-
ley. Most Worshipful Scribe of the
Princes of Ethiopia of which Mr.
Winfield was the Regal Commander.
Mr. Beasley walked up to Mr. Win-
field and placing his Left Hand on
his Brow said "Hail Brother!"
"Hail most noble Prince!" re-
sponded Mr. Winfield making the
Mystic Sign.
"What are the Objects of onr Be-
loved Fraternity?” asked Mr. Beasley
in a Whisper.
“Hope Cosloaterousness and Polo-
tomy” replied the Regal Commander.
“Tis well” snid the Most Wor-
shipful Scribe giving him the Grip.
Having completed the Secret Work
Mr. Beasley wanted to know what he
could do for Brother Winfield.
"Remove this Pusson” said Mr.
Winfield pointing at the Colonel.
So it came about that he who in
Apahatchie County had trained them
to hop off the Sidewalk and stand
uncovered until he had passed now
suffered the hideous Degradation of
being marched downstairs by one of
thorn and then slammed into the
hurry-up Wagon. Under which Cir-
cumstances the Colonel had the
Rabies.
Court Bids for Dark Votes.
At the Police Station he was
dragged before a Magistrate and was
charged with Disorderly Conduct
carrying Concealed Weapons As-
sault and Battery Assault with in-
tent to kill and csisting an Officer.
The Magistrate was a white man
and to him the Colonel appealed for
Justice claiming Brotherhood as a
Caucasian. He told what would have
happened in Apahatchie if any Coon
had dared to lay a finger on a
Colonel.
Here was an Opening for the
Cou-f. It must be known that the
Cougt lived in a ward that was dark
in one end and he was out for the
Colored Vote in case he ran for Judge.
This was his chance to give a Street
Parade.
He handed down a Decision to the
effect ‘hat all Men are free and equal
with incidental reference to the Civil
War and striking the Shackles from
four millions of Human Beings. He
ratified the Constitution and per-
mitted the Negro to stand in the Free
Sunlight. In Apahatchie County he
would have been used for Target
Practice but Apahatchie County was
still eight bundre-' miles away.
In conclusion he soaked the Colonel
for $32.75 in Fines and Costs con-
fiscating the Weapon which he after-
ward presented to Officer Beasley as
a Token of Esteem.
Next morning as a southbound
Passener Train was crossing the
Ohio River the Colored Porter on the
Atlanta Sleeper jumped eighty feet
from the Trestle into the Water in
order to escape with his Life.
MORAL—A Head Waiter must be
ruled by Kindness.
Copyright 1923 by the Bell Syndicate
Tom
Sim©
Say®
If anybody ever succeeds in cut-
ting taxes he can become a movie
star quicker than a husband shooter.
Madison (Wis.) girls say tliev can't
tell if a man has been drinking.
That's easy. He's broke.
Chicago University debated “Is a
silly girl more popular?” No but a
popular girl is more silly.
Turkeys have been in cold storage
12 months so it isn't too late to
have your last year's turkey.
Hunters tickle us the way they
fuss around getting ready. Some
would like duck pants for duck
hunting.
Dancing develops the muscles.
That's all settled. Now if it would
only develop discretion.
Hurry up with your worrying about
Europe. Try and got it all over with
befpre the holidays.
Nothing makes a skinny man mad-
der on n chilly morning than seeing
a fat man perspiring.
A man can't talk with his mouth
full of hairpins but a woman can't
talk with a pipe in her mouth.
Very few of these European states-
men egging on another wnr got shot
at during the last wnr.
The United States snends more on
gum than religion. This is because
one is used chiefly on Sunday.
Reformers say the modern dance
looks more like a race. We say it
usually ends neck and neck.
The proof of the pudding la Indi-
gestion.
The man who plnys the horses may
'ind he is the victim of horseplay.
It would be awful If there was
nothing for reformers to kick about.
A fox can scent a man a qnarter
of a mile away but you must get
very close to a pole-cat.
Yon ean always spot a man who
drinks coffee out of a saucer be-
cause he spots himself.
The nice thing about two antos
crashing is you often find whiskey
in one for the injured.
Dictionary is what yon use when
you enn’t think of what to use in
place of a word you can’t spell.
Lots of lips just made to kiss are
made over just afterward.
If at first you don't succeed take
her a box of candy.
A college professor is a man who
speaks volumes.
Tos Angeles is where people go to
find something to do until they can
get into the movies.
Everybody is digging np nre-historl”
stuff everywhere. All we hare to of-
fer is a few street cars.
Tips on Lingo Bridge
By RING LARDNER
To the editor t
In the past In these columns the
writer has .wrote a couple of valuable
articles of Instruction in regards to
ultra modern bridge methods one
called musical bridge and the other
patter bridge. In the former it was
told how a couple of partners with a
knowledge of old songs might signal
each other by merely whistling or
humming same and in the latter the
signals was exchanged back and 4th.
by n running f>re of smal! talk that
apparently had nothing to do with
the cards but in reality meant every-
thing if you Pent your ears open and
ycur mind alert.
These articles met with such a wel-
come by devotees of the sport that
letters has kept purring in on all
sides asking that I should continue
the serious and give vent to another
system that will permit a couple of
wide awake bridgers to triumph in
practically every rubber no matter
how lucky there opponents may be.
Mr. Glurose says "Oh I Guess You
Mean Nullo Trompini."
So the present article is devoted to
the very latest of my inventions which
allows mind to win over matter and
has been tried out with big profits
by two of my brightest pupils Mr.
and Mrs. Glucose against two of the
luckiest card holders in the farming
district of Washington. D. C. namely
Mr. and Mrs. Earl Kelleher.
The new method may be termed
Linguistic Bridge as it depends on a
mastery of foreign langauges. The
idear first occurred to me eight
months ago and I immediately thought
of my friends the Glucoses who had
been loosing heavily at every setting
in spite of there marked superiority
over the rest of the bridge playing
world.
Master All Languages.
"Glucoses” I said “if you will
agree to put in six months of hard
study 1 will guarantee that you can
more than make up all the bridge
losses of your life in a few weeks.”
What did I mean they asked. So
I told them. They must set aside
two hrs. per day for the next 1-2 a
yr. to the absolute mastery of all the
languages of Europe Asia and Africa
and when they had accomplished that
much they were to come to me and
I would tell them how to utilize there
knowledge.
To make a short story meager I
will recite the details of what come
off the first time the scheme was put
to the test namely vs. Mr. and Mrs.
Kelleher of Washington. The game
took place in a day coach between
Washington and Danville Ky. The
Glucoses had often played bridge with
the Kellehers and the last named was
$4300.00 ahead.
On this occasion the Glucoses ac-
cording to my instructors asked the
Kellehers if they had ever been
abroad or if they knew any foreign
languages. The answer was plain no.
So the game started and Mr. Kelleher
dealt and bid a no trump.
“Just a minute dearie” says Mr.
Glucose to his wife “Do you remem-
ber the Portuguese word for ca-
nary?”
“Sure." replied Mrs. Glucose. “Ao
tenha cinqe shovellos rey high."
Of course the Kellehers thought
that must be the Portuguese word for
canary and they figured that Mr. and
Mrs. Glucose was Just trying to show
off but what Mrs. Glucose said real-
ly means “I have five spades king
high” and as Mr. Glucose had the
ace queen and six other spades it
was no trick at all for the Glucoses
to set the Kellehers higher than a
kite.
Handee All Blackee.
It was Mr. Glusose's deal and after
the cards had all been distributed
his wife said: “Theys something
about the scenery along here that re-
minds me of a place we stopped in
Italy. What was the name of that
place?"
So Mr. Glucose says: “Oh 1
guess you mean Nullo Trompini."
So she says: “Non Io rathero
playo I Clubini."
She was telling him that she had
n game hand in clubs if he could help
her so they made it clubs and made
a grand slam with four honors in
one hand and they never found the
other one.
On Mr. Kelleher’s deal. Mrs. Glu-
cose asked both the Kellehers if they
had ever played Mah Jongg meaning
that her next remarks to Mr. Glucose
would be in Chinese.
“I love the game myself" says Mrs.
Glucose as she picktxl up her hand
“but maybe that is because I speak
Chinese. Allee mylee handee is
blackee."
This of course warned her husband
to not take her out in either of the
red suits and though he only had the
ace king jack of spades and the
king queen jaek of clubs he allowed
her to play her spade bid and the re-
sult was another grand slam.
Opponents Dive Off Train.
It was now Mrs. Glucose's deal and
wile she was dealing she wistled the
Russian national hymn and when she
picked up her cards she said: ” Letsky
themski bidsky thisky timeovitch and
weeski will set themsky.”
And sure enough the Kellehers
who was now deseprate. overbid then 1
hand and was set seven odd doubled
Thia made ths Glucoses $5400.00
DECEMBER 9 1923.
ahead aqd the Kellehers dove off the
train at Clifton Forge though they
had intended going on to Danville.
The Glucoses never got there money
but it shows what the new system
would do if you was playing vs. hon-
est people.
Copyright 1>». by th* Bell Syndicate.
The Captain’s Remedy
A young woman who recently made
a trip to Europe decided to consult
the captain of the ship as to the best
preventive for seasickness. Having
armed herself with a letter of intro-
duction to the officer she waited until
the ship had eleared Sandy Hook
and then approached him.
“Mjr dear young lady” said the
captain with an amused smile “you
will not be troubled with any illness
if you will do what I tell you. Most
ladies confine themselves to their
cabins and thereby incur the very
thing they fear. Now if you will"
stay on deck get all the fresh air you'
can walk up and down take good 1
shysical care of yourself and try not
to think of trouble you will never’
be seasick.”
The young lady thanked him. She
followed the directions faithfully and*
when the ship ran into the tail end
of a heavy northwest gale she never
felt a qualm.
As the gale was abating she be-
thought her that it was due the cap-
tain that she should thank him for hint
good advice and approaching the deck
steward entrusted him with a mes-
sage asking for an interview. In due
time the steward returned saying
that the captain was unable to grant
her an interview.
“Why not?” she questioned. “Whj
won’t he see me?”
“Captain’s compliments miss” gait
the steward “but ' e's suffering with
a bit of seasickness which has lasted
two days now nn' he ain’t in shape
to talk to you.”—Kansas City Star.
A Bad Oversight
The examination was in full swing.
The papers had been handed out and
the candidates were knitting their
brows over the questions.
Dobbs was among them and after
reading one of the questions he smiled
and finally took the paper up to the
examiner.
“There is a mistake in one of the
questions” he said with a superior
air.
“Indeed” was the reply. “I am
obliged to you for pointing it out.”
“It occurs in No. 9 in which in-
sufficient data are given” went on
Dobbs.
“I don’t see any error" said the
examiner as he scrutinized the pa-
per.
“Why sir” cried Dobbs triumph-
antly “it says ‘from one milestone to
the next’ but it doesn’t say the dis-
tance between them."—Kansas City
Star.
The Only One
They sat on the .sofa he and she
The lights were turned low. The]
gazed into each other’s eyes with per
feet contentment. He arranged hi
necktie for the twentieth time aa
queried. “Do you love me Alice?” J
“Uh-huh I think so.” 1
“I knew you did—l love you too
Alice—you're the only girl for me.”
She hesitating. “Did you ever-evei
love any other girl?”
"No Alice—you are the first girl 1
ever loved the only girl I ever wil
love.”
“Ob John I knew it! I love yot
more than ever.” She flushed witl
pleasure raised her chin and looker
at him expectantly through Ion;
lashes. He took three cigars from hil
vest poeket. laid them on the table be
side the sofa and started to take hei
in his arms.
She sobbed "All men are liars" and
walked majestically out of the room.—
Yellow Jacket.
In the Country
The oldest good story is the on!
about the boy who left the farm and
got a job in the city. He wrote a let
ter to his brother who had chosen H
stick by the farm telling of the joy
of city life in which he said:
'Thursday we auto'd out to thi
country club where we golfed until
dark. Then we motored to the beacl
and Fridayed there.” I
The brother on the farm wrote back!
"Yesterday we buggied to town «nl
base balled all afternoon. Then wl
went to meds and pokered till morn
ing. Today we muled out the cord
field and gee-hawed until sundnwtJ
Then we suppered and then we piped
for a while. After that we staircased
up to our room and we bedsteaded uq
til the clock fired.”—Bison. 1
That Arrow Collar Man
Gee girls just look at that there man
Knock ’em cold? I say he can! j
Ain't he the little cat's meow?
I’d like to date with one like him-!
Somebody tell me how. |
Gaze on them there snow white te *'
They sure do take the holly wreath!
And rest yer lamps on that sheik hait
He's too good looking—it isn't fair.
His Grecian nose's the bee's own knot
And he looks Apollo if you please:-
Oh boy. that smile could win a saint-
but—
They’re not made like him—l'll sa
they ain't.
—Flamingo.
What! Never?
A young traveling salesman in Eni
land was on bis first trip to get o
ders. At Plymouth he met an ol
commercial traveler who expressd
his interest in the young man an
asked him how be had fared.
“Badly.” the young man replied. I
Iras insulted in every place I visited!
"That is strange.” said the old traj
elcr. “I have been on the road ■
years; I have had my samples fids
into the street; I have been taken n
the scruff of the neck nnd pitchd
down-stnirs; I don't deny that 1 had
been rolled in the gutter; but insults
—never!”—Youth's Companion.
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The San Antonio Light (San Antonio, Tex.), Vol. 43, No. 324, Ed. 1 Sunday, December 9, 1923, newspaper, December 9, 1923; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1628974/m1/28/: accessed July 6, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; .