The Bastrop Advertiser (Bastrop, Tex.), Vol. 58, No. 14, Ed. 1 Saturday, July 23, 1910 Page: 5 of 8
This newspaper is part of the collection entitled: Texas Digital Newspaper Program and was provided to The Portal to Texas History by the Bastrop Public Library.
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4*
Qood Jokes
WEAK KIDNEYS WEAKEN THE HE RECOGNIZED THE VOICE
WHOLE BODY.
TOUGH JOB.
1 hn old major hart been on an e*
tended trip "up iu.fr ' Now he wan
lack In th general store of the vll
telling of liiu trave'a
'And NlaKnra Kails. *uh!" he began
vtv'dly. "Wlint could ho a grander
algnt? To think of the vast, Iwon
cUvable power In those millions of
tn;* of water that dash over the
rocks' \nd then to think that those
falls are harnessed b> mere man'"
Y1>e major paused for breath and
the old colored man, who had Just
eon.e In with a pull of eggs, looked
Interested.
"Majah!"
"Yeas. Sam?"
"Who was d' gen'man det har
n^ssed dem deli falls?"
"Why—er—Sam. I can't Just remem-
ber his name Hut why are you so
anxious to know?"
"Ah was Jus' thlnkln' majah."
"Thinking of what, old man?"
"Thlnkln' what Ah'd nlve to seo det
gen man try en harness dat ol', ol'
mule Ah bought f'um de bankrupt clr
cuh luHt spring Tee h«e*"
His Views on Suffrage.
When the female canvasser asked
the old farmer to sirn a petition In
favor of a woman's movement he eyed
the document for a while with suspi-
cion. "No, I'm again' It," was re-
ply. with the emphasis of a man who
had had some domestic Infelicity. "A
woman who's alius ainovln' is alius
a-getiiu' In trouble. If you've got any-
thing to ke< p her quiet I'll sign It"
No Kick There.
The new arrival bad Just written
his name and address In the hotel
register.
"From Ypsllantl, eh?" said the
clerk, "that's the town, isn't it, where
"No, sir," interrupted the other,
with a frown; "we're perfectly satis-
IImI l h the name of our city You're
thinking of Oshkosh "
YOU NEVER CAN TELL.
Oh. ihe primmest llttu maid.
Just itir must pr*c: « of ml s*a;
Never thought of love, she said.
'look no sort of stock In klsstia.
Quite Immune to Cupid's <1srts,
I.iiubI ..J at hosts of suitor* stKhlng,
«hen Ihey told of achlriK hearts
All such symptoms still derryiug.
Htit all thin was lonK aico-
^ ell. I should ssy, 'twas Inst lummir;
^ ou r- ad the account, I know,
In tin- pupriH -'twua u hummer.
Ib'W stir u, innsed to elfipe
W Ith a curly-heatlril iirtor.
In tins stunt of hers, I hope,
Common sense was not ,1 factor.
DOWN, NOT UP.
r^rTFTJTi
I ,1 4- ,(l yjTI
No chain is atrong'-r than Ita weak-
est link. No man is stronger than his
kidneys. Overwork, colds, stralus, etc.,
weaken the kidneys and the whole
body suffer*. Don't neglect the slight-
est kidney ullment. ltegln using
Doan'a Klduey 1'llla
at once. They are
especially foi sick
kidneys.
Ted illatt, Oswe-
go, Kans., says; "For
many ycura I suf-
fered from kidney )
disorders. I as
treated by specialists
In Kansas City and
Chicago, was told I
bud an au ce t> of the kidneys and an
operation was advised. I thereupon
began the uso of Doan's Kidney I'ttl#
and gradually Improved. Soon an op-
eration was unnecessary us my kid-
neys were well."
Itemember the name—Doan's.
For sale by all dealers. 60 cents a
box Foster-MIIburn Co.. Buffalo, N. Y.
HE LIVED IN THE CITY.
Disposing of Hash.
Yeast I sec that all the food served
to a gin it at a la] anese dinner and
n.H ion :imed by him at the time Is
tkken to his home by the servants of
his host
Crlmsonlx ik llio hosts over there
are certainly persistent. They stem
to get rid of their hash in some
way!- Yonkcrb Statesman
IN SOUTH AMERICAN WATERS.
m
'veer?;
G-Cotfttt
Henderson—Does your wife cvet
call you up at your office?
Ilcnpeck—No; she waits until I gel
home and then she call-, me dowu.
The Foxy Landlady.
"I think I'll chango my boarding
house," grumbled tho comedian
boarder.
"I am surprised." said tho sweet
singer. "Why, I thought you told me
your landlady was right up to dato?"
"Yes, too much so. Since she has
been reading tbe Fletcher theory sho
advises all her boarders to chew each
mouthful 32 times. She knows they'll
soon get tired and won't eat as much."
"H'm! She's rather shrewd "
"Yes, and that's not all. She read
that sour milk prolongs life and now
sho has started the sour-milk fad be-
cause sour milk costs only four cents
a quart."
Passenger I say, captain, what
would happen if tho ship should bit a
coral reef?
Captain !t would most likely shiver
Its timbers
Summer.
A") « •** fo *hen,
lut to ilimt.
\\. !l tmw <!Ik up
1 ■ • r (lie |i n trust.
Not Her Way.
Fldcily Relative I.ucy, you sun ly
don't think ol marrying (icoffiej to re-
form him!
Miss Lucy- Gracious, no, auntie!
1 in trying to reform (ieoffrcv In order
to marry him, and I'll either succeed
In doing It or I'll break his neck!
In the Public Lye.
"Here ts a brochure entitled 'What
Kt. Louis Is Doing ' "
"fMttsbutg doesn't need tMiy adver-
tising like that "
"No,"
"Everybody knows what Pittsburg
Is doing "
The Eternal Feminine.
She Here Is a story about a Her-
man scientist who says a woman can
live to be fiOO.OOO years old.
lie flood gracious! Iniagine a wom-
an fiOO.OOO years old who wouldn't ad-
mit she was more than ''30,000!"
Three Balls.
Stubh Tbe best umbrellas to put
up quickly are those with the patent
steel spring
Penn H'm! I have found those with
a gold bundle the most convenient to
"put up."
A Blunder.
"A Detroit minister any, that hell Is
full of peck a boo waists."
"A queer slat' tie nt for a minister
to make when lie is trying to get men
to go to liea\ en
THE CAUSE OF IT.
Now They're Fussy.
"A St. Louis girl wore men's
cIolhitiK in order to escape suitors. I
would never do that!"
"Von would never notd to, dear."
Hard to Touch.
"This Is paradoxical."
"What is?"
"Wh> Ibe closer a man Is the hard
er it I.-, lo touch him."
%
M ft /
Papa—Why can't we ace the moon
in the daytime?
Jtmmle—'Cause they don't light it
up until after dark.
Ingenuity.
Hays How does Splitter expert to
get his divorce?
llays lly proving the Illegality of
his marriage
Rays—How will he prove that?
Hays—First, by showing all mar-
rliiEcs are lotteries, and then calling
i attention to the fact that the Su-
! promo court has ruled that all lo'-
j terles are illegal.
Nothing Conclusive.
Ida Do you suppose that Mr.
i Worther really has serious intentions
regarding I >etyn
Clara lie must have; he's praising
I her all the time says she's worth h< r
weight In gold.
Ida Oh, there's nothing conclusive
about that; l oty could be weighed on
r. pair of postal scalcs.
A Born Diplomat.
Ills Wife John, yesterday was my
birthday and you never even thought
to bring me a box of candy.
Her Husband I'm sorry, my dear,
but there Isn't a thing about your ap-
pi arance to remind me that you are
I a day older than you were a year ago.
The Retort Courteous.
A young woman had fallen upon thd
Ice-covered pavemtuit and a man
steppe | forward to offer his services.
"Allow me—" he begnn, but his feet
slipped and he fell flat upon his back
"Certainly," responded the young
woman, gravely. I.ippincott's.
Tim I see dnt Joe Simpson s goll'l
gone back on him
'loin Huh' dat's easy. Der feller
she's goln' w Id now. his mudder keep#
er candy store.
Back to the Soil.
"Have you Joined tho backtothe
soil nioveim nt ?"
"You bit: I'm fired of artificial files
and wooden minnows, and I'm going
to dig some good old worms for bait."
SOFT, WHITE HANDS
May Be Obtained In One Night.
For preserving the hands as well
• s for preventing redness, roughness,
arid chapping, and imparting that vel-
vety softness and whiteness much de-
sired by w >men Cuticura Soap, assist-
ed by Cuticura Ointment, Is believed
to be superior to all other skin soaps.
For those who work in corraslve
liquids, or at occupations whlc) tend
to injure the hands, it is Invaluable.
Treatment—Path© and soak tho
ban Is on retiring In a strong, hot,
creamy lather of Cuticura Soap. Dry
and anoint freely with Cuticura Oint-
ment, and In severe cases spread tho
Cuticura Ointment on thin pieces of
old linen or cotton. Wear during the
night old, loose gloves, or a light ban-
dage of old cotton or linen to protect
t* i clothing frcia stain. For red,
rough, and chapped hands, dry, fis-
sured, itching, feverish palms, and |
shapeless nails with painful finger
ends, this treatment Is most effective.
( utictira Remedies are sold through-
out the world. Potter Drug & Chem.
Corp, solo proprietors, Boston, Mass. |
The Stomach Hold.
Colonel H. N. Renouf, nt the "Old
Guard" banquet at Delmonlco's, em-
phasized the importance to an army
of a good commissariat.
"You have perhaps heard," he said,
"of the company of privates that a
patriotic lady entertained one Me-
morial day to dinner
"it was a good dlt <rr. and at its
end a pretty maidservant entered
with a superb dessert.
"'Dessert, sergeant?' she said to
the stalwii-t young soldier u! the head
of the table.
"'Desert?' the sergeant answered
'When 1 can get eats like this for ;
nothln'? Nixie! Not me""
Didn't Care for Expenses.
They were seated at the breakfast
table.
"John, dear." said the young wife, 1
"ti ls is my birthday "
"I'm glad yen mentioned It darling."
rejoined her husband "I'll buy you a
present the first thing whon I get
downtow n "
"Well," she said. 'I hope you wont'
get any cheap ! s cent affair."
"Of course I wont," he replied
"Why, 1 would he ashamed to present
you with any thing that cost lean than
a dollar."
Refinement of Assurance.
Itiisy Ilnsiiie s Man (Irately) - Sir '
didn't ask you to sit down'
Persistent Salesman (settling back
comfortably) Thai's all right -no
apology Is necessary i knew It was
only an oversight Harper's Weekly
Don't try to get. to heaven that ts
selfish Try to make a heaven of till ■
earth for others and you'll get there
with both faith and work
Mr*. tVi«i«low'* Soolhlm Njrnji.
chll<1r «n tlalriff mfiena t ! • irum*. fe<|uoe« in
lhuuiiii4Uui),iiH«M luun fure* wln«l colta. Jw u Uitlie
Mortgage the ship for all Its worth
before giving It up
!>t P'erce'* IVI'ci* surer eoeted *s*t to
• it* < tii.lv f"« . it 111 11' 1||i'i; t« ftUiiuacb,
liter IHil ImiWh In .ill J CUI© |'«lt IOI).
And many a coining man neglects to
nrrlve.
And From Remark Made, Alto Knew
the Party Was Not En-
gaged In Prayer.
Confidential friends of Louis B.
Shields are telling this story about
that eminent Republican: A state
convention at Columbus had Just ad
lourned and the Cuyahoga county
delegates were all back home when]
somebody suggested a friendly game
of poker. Tho g tue was going along
right merrily at 3 a. m.
At that hour an officious attendant
called up Mr. Shields' residence, which
happened to be almost next door.
This is long distance," said the
servant with no warrant of authority
whatever. "We are all here In Co-
lumbus and can't get home until morn
tag"
"That's all right," came back the
reply, but If that voice I hear In the
apartment hi use next door saying
'that s good' isn't Mr. Shlehls' then 1
can't recognize a voice when 1 hear It
at night."
And that Is the end of the story, for
the voice saying "that'll good" was
Indeed that of Mr. Shields, and It was
so near home, so the narrator relates,
that thee was no use In offering a
denial -Cleveland Leader.
Alms and the Man.
"Sure Father Flaherty was a good
man," Mr. Murphy said of the deceased
parish prb >1. "He haled s'.n but he
loved th' sinner, an' bo was all com-
passion an' patience an' wisdom.
There never was another lolke Mm f'r
holdlti' up hope to th' poor bktthered
man that had anny deslro f'r good.
"'Faith,' said ho to Con Meohnn, th'
tolme th' bh'y was down an' out,
'faith, this soldo nv paradise "t 1st all
beginning again, over an' over, an' tin
tolmes over!'
"An' that keen," continued Mr
Murphy, " 'twas nlver worth wholle to
keep back part av th' price av th'
land! Wid a twinkle In his eyo he'd
see clean through anny Ananias that
iver walked.
"An' gln'rous!" Mr. Murphy's voice
dropped to a lower key and bis eyes
were wet as ho added, "Ills hand was
always In his poekut, an' whin they
prepared him f'r burial they found his
right arm longer than bis left wld
Btretchln' it out to th' poor." Youth's
Companion.
fiiiwiUDiigii
GASTORIA
For Infanta and Children,
The Kind You Have
Always Bought
the Food awl Regula* I
ting the Slomarhs aixl UwHHSflfJ U1U
Signature
of
ximzzimnmiE
ALCOHOL~3 PEW CENT
AVef stable Preparation for As ■
Imani^Chiluhln
X *
i;
Promotes Digestion,Cheerful*
nrssandRest Cu.l<iin:^ neither
Opium.Morphine nor Mineral
rt; Not Narcotic
x
*fou DtSAMiufrrarat
?'
ii:
it*
jjO
\^C'i A perfect K« tncdv I'or Cofistlpe
JH. lion.Sour Stomach,DiarrhoeA.
Worms .Convulsions,Feverish-
lifss and I,OSS Of SLEEP
J 0*rtm -
r* 'U
JhIM JfJ •
/hpptrr*!*/ •
iff ( Wm #>• '* 0
Wirn Sttd -
Wmkrfrtf"
8s
FjC Simile Si^naturf cf
V'
Tio: t'fcntaur Company,
NEW VOHK.
In
Use
For Over
Thirty Years
She Lives In Bingvllle.
A South Missouri paper 1^ carrying
this ad.: "Attractive woman, not a day |
over thirty, would bo pleased to corre- j
spond with ellgihlo man. Not abso-
lutely necessary that ho should be
young Would prefer om with prop-
erty, but one with ii good paying posi-
tion would be satisfactory. The young
lady 1s of medium height, has brown
hair and gray eyes, not fat, although,
most decidedly, she Is not skinny
Her friends ray she Is a fine looklns
woman. Object matrimony. Re&ron
to- this advertisement, the young
woman lives in a little dinky town,
where the best catches nre the boys
behind the counters In tbe dry goods
and clothing stores, and every one of
them is spoken for by tbe time bo ,
Is out of his short pants. Address ,
Hazel Kyis. Box "3, lllngvllle, Mo."—I
Kansas City Star.
Novelty.
"1 thought you told me you hnd
something original In this libretto."
said the manager, scornfully "Here
nt the very outset you have a lot of
merry villagers singing, 'Wu are bap
py and gay ' "
"You don't catch tbe Idea nt nil,"
replied the poet, wearily. "The 'g' Is
soft. It should be pronounced 'happy
and Jay.'"
We live truly In proportion as we
go out of ouiselvis and enter Into the
fulness of the experience of those
whom we none, inil by whom In turn
wc are served \\"•; tcott
Guaranteed under the f ood<iM(
Exact of Wrapper.
i
WI NTERSMITH'S
Oldest and Best Tonic; for Malaria and Debility.
A splendid gsneml tonic; 40 years' success. Oontaina
no arsenic or other poisons. Unl.ke c^iinina, It leave*
no bad affects, l ake no aubstitute. FHIf *
book of outxlea tent to any addr esa>
ABTNIB rrtlB A C-O., Wl Af a*e
UOUrewiLUU *v.
ConeiDtlmi • I S. Army OKlcfr.
Clattrt!
h% iKi l.S.mr |)epsrletenl.
Ttuid succcasive yr^r winners of championship cornprtitivc dull
San Antonio International Fan
Only military school tn Texas whose KrMduatrs .ire admitted
lo Mate University without examination.
Thorough woik. Bmall < Ias5es. Individual attention.
Athletics and outdoor spoit* New buildings next yea.'.
Hoys from homes of rflnement only deeiied.
F'repares for College, Government Academies or businejis.
Illii«tr«*f4 C«i luf •* ! on rvukiftt
ANGUS Mc D CRA Wt'uRD, M A . Pnnripal, He* 16 Rati Antonio, Te*i«
SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS
DEFIANCE STARCH
never sftrkf
to the ln«u
W N. U., HOUSTON, NO. 30-1910.
What A rts You ?
Do yuu feel vtuk, lired, despondent, have frequent head-
ochcn, coated tongue, hitler <ir h«J Inslc in inornin)J,
"heart-burn," hcidiing oi jins, ucid rminKi in throat after
caliiift, Itoninch gnaw or burn, foul hrcnth, di/*y spelH,
poor or variable petite, iiauscu at time* and kindred
symptoms ?
If you hnvc uny rontiil«r«Me number of the
chovo iyni|itoini you arc utVcriii£ front hilioun-
vicks, torpid liver with indigestion, or dyspepsia.
l)r. Picrcc'o ti'ilden Medical Discovery is muuo
up of the most valuable medicinal principles
known to tticd'cal science for the permanent
cure of such ulmormnl conditions. It is a most
efficient liver iuvignrntnr, stomach tonic, bovrel
regulator and nerve strengthened
*1 he "fJolden Medical Iliscoverv" is not n pntent medicine or secret nostrum,
■ full list o( its ingredients being printed on its bottle-wrapper and attested
under oath. A glunce at these will show that it contain* no alcohol, or harm-
ful hahit-forming drugs. It is a fluid extract mudo with pure, triple-refined
gl,ccrine, of proper strength, from the roots of native American medical,
inrest pi.mts. World's Dispensary Medical Association, I'rops., Buffalo, N. Y.
Sickly Smile
Wipe it eft your otherwise
pood looking face—put on that
good health smile that CAS-
CAR/\ 7'S will give you—as
a result from the cure of
Constipation—ora torpid liver.
It's so cosy—do it—you'll see.
Ull
CASCARETS )0r a ho* for a weed's
tri atimmt. ulidrutfgKt- Migget-t sriler
in Mu* Wvtrld. Miliiou a UiouXil*
HED-LYTE
The new liquid hendisrt e ami
nevirulgta medicine.
Safe, Pleasant and Elfectiv*.
IOc, 2*V and N'e bottlee i*i *11
Drug store*. Manufactured
THE HED-LYTE COMPANY
DALLAS TEXiW
Thompson's Ey« Watar
If einietr.i with
eon- s, use >
PARSER'S
HAIR BALSAM
ClesTie i in4 twin' * t$ hslf.
f'rum u$ • lu :i. ' I |T• «ll
Vans u H«*st©re <*ray
J'^ir to i's Yotilhf il C?o!:T.
Curr* i ip i k h* r
i- * i\ |r«> s I rutf • •
• • - • a • - • • . . | • i a I • • v a t • a • - .a.,, s «. !«,
THeir Object.
Haiil.'i Th" women of my town
hnvc foruti il n secret toclfil^.
HiV' rn \ f • c in so Icty Snt f ly,
that's n mlsnomn woiii' ti don't know
how to k )i sccri'tw.
Hanks Mm the) know how to till
them, Hnd that's \\h> tliej formed
the society.
NETtLE RASh |
EHVSII'ELAS
poisun i/r
I rcn ing
F c z r M A
SCALDS
RESINOL
RIMG WORM
ERllPtlONS
ABKASIUNK
CHAIIN0
HEROES
BURNS
uartd in tune will
A recognized sp
cure i early every foi m of 1 - In disease,
scilio tor m . :i.i; and lulian ed piles.
It Is a wonder worker.
RI SINOl. CHI MK:.\L COMPANY, BAI.TIMORI', MO.
.... s
Kcstinol Ointment, Ri sinol I oilet Soup, Kcsinol Mcdicatcd
Shuvinn Stick urc sold at Drug Sums. ••
The Fearleas One.
"With nil your wealth itro you not
j afraid of the iircW«tarlnt?" naked th#
delver In sociological problems.
"No, I ain't," snapped Mrs. New
rich "We boll all our drlnklu' water
■:
i
k
t
>
Bocauoo of thouo ugly, grUzly, gruy hiilrw. Uso " LA CliEOut " HAIR RESTORER. PRICE, St.OO, retail.
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Cain, Thomas C. The Bastrop Advertiser (Bastrop, Tex.), Vol. 58, No. 14, Ed. 1 Saturday, July 23, 1910, newspaper, July 23, 1910; Bastrop, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth205970/m1/5/?q=%22%22~1: accessed July 17, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Bastrop Public Library.