The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 10, No. 33, Ed. 1 Friday, April 1, 1966 Page: 1 of 2
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The Rice computer seized con-
trol of the University in a
bloodless coup today and imme-
diately deposed all officials in
the former administration. The
computer named Rotund Pome-
granate, an obscure administra-
tive official in the Memorial
Center and noted harpsichord-
ist, as Acting President of the
University in its first dispatch
after the take-over.
Informed sources say the coup
was inspired by the Society for
the Protection of Hispano-Aztec
Janitors Employed on Univer-
sity Campuses (SFTPOHAJE-
OUC), who apparently pro-
grammed the computer over the
weekend.
Officials Unavailable
All former officials in the
Administration were unavailable
for comment. However, rumors
are circulating around the cam-
pus that Dr. Croney Growrice,
ex-Chancellor, has returned to
his old job as Santa Claus and
that Dr. Sungod Masterwoman,
onetime Master of Handsome
College, has accepted a position
as Emperor of the Western
hemisphere.
Confusion is rampant on the
Rice Campus today, and anar-
chy seems prevalent. Acting
President Pomegranate was un-
available for comment in the
Rice Chapel, and the computer
was unplugged.
Strip Poker
The coup was made possible
by the presence of all four top
officials in the old adminis-
tration in one room at 6:00 am
this morning. Growrice, fprmer
President Cacklin' Kenny Pizza
Dean of Undergraduate Affairs
Dr. Eeniemeenie McNamony,
and former Dean of Students
Pfoul Pipeup had apparently
been engaged in an all-night
game of strip poker.
Students showed their support
for the new regime with an
apathy rally today at noon. Six
students attended.
The iStudent Senate was un-
able to get a quorum at a meet-
ing called to discuss the crisis.
Goldenboy Royals, Student As-
sociation President, commented
at length on this development,
but unfortunately the state-
ment was too indecent to print.
Topspinner Soothes
Ho War Topspinner, head of
the University Development Of-
fice, reassured this reporter
that the coup was in the best
interests of Rice and was in fact
part of the Ten Year Plan.
Meanwhile, opposition to the
coup is emerging. Radio station
KILT has offered to .sponsor a
tug of war between the History
Department and the Computer,
and Dr. Jubal Vanderphink,
Master of High-Rise Heaven
and occasional Professor of His-
tory, has indicated interest in
participating in such a power
struggle. "But ah ain't going' to
be pulled into that dam' mud,"
he added.
At this writing, technicians
are working feverishly to plug
in the Computer and all jani-
torial service in the dormitories
has ceased.
In The
Left Ear
H3H83JIHT 33lfl aHT
oa hot Traa\m-iJk vik
And In The
Right Ear
Volume 10—Number 33
RICE UNIVERSITY
THURSDAY, APRIL 1 - 1, 1966
Cabinet Decrees
Jones Girls Eat
A "Naked Lunch'
The Jones College Cabinet,
in a specially-called meeting
last night, voted to come naked
to the evening meals for one
week, beginning tomorrow
night.
Eileen (Hard) Boyled, Jones
president, said that she felt the
move was called for in order
to keep Jones College at the
forefront of gracious living on
campus.
An informed source reported
that the move was precipitated
by the action of the Hanszen
College court in removing a
college member from campus
for a week for failing to wear
socks to the evening meals.
Miss Boyled said she had been
impressed by Will Rice's action
earlier in the semester. The
Will Rice leaders had voted to
wear ties to the evening meals.
Commenting on the recent
decision of the Jones Cabinet,
Dr. Magic Wand, Master .of-
Jones, said that he did not con-
sider the decision to be in bad
taste. He emphasized that the
natural beauty of the members
of the Jones cabinet would be
revealed by the newly-instituted
procedures.
i, . *:
Blast Wipes Out RMC;
Stingy Seizes Bomber
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D'V Sv-:; vii '
Photo by Bui-ross
NEW MASCOT—Rice University has officially adopted a new
mascot—the Strung Fish (pisces rigomortus). The move came
fpllowing extensive lobbying by the Rowdy Club, Rice's all male
organization.
Buddy (Chief) Hawkeye, president of the Rowdies, said that
inasmuch as the University had experienced untold difficulties
with feathered, unflying, accident-prone mascots, the new symbol
of the University represented stiffness of character and the bene
fits of advanced schooling.
By TARRY LASMEARO
Threshrer Reporter
Crying "By God, I'm not al-
ways right," a disgruntled office
seeker today bombed the Rice
Memorial Center in a fit of
what his roommate called "anx-
iety for the University's fu-
ture."
Still wearing his "Let's put
an AS in the SA" button, the
mad bomber was speedily
arraigned in Rice Business
Manager J. R. Stingy's plush
counting chambers. Late this
afternoon Mr. Stingy informed
the press that "national in-
terests will best be served by
having the student complete
his military service."
The blast, which destroyed
the home of Rice's all-student
newspaper and the offices of
several other minor campus
organizations, sent out minor
tremors, ranging from low to
crude on the Richter scale of
intensity.
According to a member of the
Geology Department who sur-
veyed the devastated area, the
scene looked remarkably like "a
big ole hole in the ground."
A spokesman for the Build-
ing and Grounds Committee re-
ported that the excavation
fortunately fitted in with the
Ten Year Plan as a drainage
dump for the rainfall overflow
from the Men's College Quad-
rangle and would be left in its
present state, but would be
surrounded entirely with bou-
gainvilleae to match Fondren
Library.
Needshim Calls
Thresher Tactics
'Yellow Press'
The Rice Thresher, student
newspaper at Rice University,
today strongly denied charges
that it had become a "yellow
press" and was extremely care-
less.
The charges were brought by
Ray Hugh Needshim, a mem-
ber of the Student Senate.
Needshim claimed that the
Thresher was no longer offer-
ing responsible and constructive
criticism, such as the article
published in the fall about the
football team. (See the Thresh-
er of the week before the UT
game.)
Thugs Attack Innocent Jones Coed;
Caped Crusader Foils Foul Plans
LOVETT GARAGE??
A mysterious, masked
stranger and his boyish com-
panion rescued a Jones girl
from an attack by two knife-
wielding hoodlums Wednesday
night on the Rice campus.
The victim, who wished to
remain unnamed, was unharm-
ed and is reportedly resting
quietly in her room at Jones
College. Her assailants were
arrested by campus police, and
are now under heavy guard at
the Harris County Courthouse.
The near-tragic incident oc-
curred as Miss X left Fondren'
Library for the short walk
back to Jones College. As she
passed Anderson Hall, the two
thugs sprang from behind a
bush and demanded that she
give them "all she had."
"The felons brandished men-
acing stilettos," she said.
Then, according to three Will
Rice Seniors who witnessed the
attack, an unusual black auto-
mobile which "sounded like a
jet" screeched to a halt at the
scene of the crime.
Two masked figures, both un-
armed and wearing capes, leap-
ed from the sti*ange vehicle and
confronted the would be ban-
dits. The stockier of the duo
was reported to have exhorted
his youthful comrade as fol-
lows: "Come on Boy Wonder,
let's teach these deviates from
the law a lesson they won't for-
get."
The ensuing struggle was de-
scribed as "brutal" by a hitherto
undisturbed Rice couple, sitting
at the base of the William
Marsh Rice statue. The couple
was startled by the jarring
sounds of the fisticuffs —
"BIFF! — BAM! — K-R-R-R-
RUNCH!"
Within a few moments, the
thugs were subdued and bound
with special rope from the
rescuer's "utility belt." They
were arrested by campus police
who arrived an hour and a half
later.
Building To Replace Willy's Statue
Construction will begin next
week on a new 33-story admin-
istration building to be erected
at the center of the academic
quadrangle, Rice President
Pizza announced today.
"Long has been the need for
such a building on the Rice
campus." he said. "After all,
54 years is a long time for a
mere statue to be the focal*
point of our campus."
Speculation has it that the
true reasons for the decision
to build such an edifice are that
Ho War- Topspinner had com-
plained that since the erection
of Brown College he no longer
resides in the highest office on
the campus, and that it was
necessary for him to oversee
all happenings with ease.
Pizza Uncomfortable
The second was that Rice
President Pizza was uncom-
fortable being one story above
everyone else and having to talk
down to* them, and he has at-
tempted to remedy the situation
by requesting that his offices
be put in the basement of the
new edifice, "more down to
earth, eh heh" as he put it, a
position he enjoys but has not
felt the chance to show.
The bronze statue of the
University's founder will be
razed and relocated at the cen-
ter of the 50 yard line of Rice
Stadium. During football games
it will be worshiped and held
aloft by Rice freshmen after
touchdowns and extra points.
New Parking Garage
Lovett Hall will be converted
to a multi-level parking garage,
with the Sallyport providing a
grand entrance to the Universi-
ty. Approximately 500 cars will
be accomodated.
It is said that parking will be
restricted to off-campus mar-
ried graduate students of Ori-
ental descent, who will be re-
quired to purchase a pink stic-
ker for $5.00 for the right to
park there.
Several Rice alumni have
complained that the new struc-
ture would supercede the Cam-
panile tower and have launched
a court suit in that regard.
But the architect retained
for the project, an unknown
man of unknown origin and un-
known stature trying to make
good, compromised the matjtpr
by deciding to return the tower"
to its original purpose, that of
a smoke stack, and it will be
placed on the top of the new
building for that purpose.
'Little Inconvenience'
"It will be in fine view," he
was quoted as saying. There
will be little inconvenience to
normal Rice activity during con-
struction. Students are, how-
ever, warned to beware small
chunks and chips of stone that
will be falling from reasonable
heights as a result of the carv-
ing of the 37,452 individual
window frames and spandrel
murals.
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Durham, John. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 10, No. 33, Ed. 1 Friday, April 1, 1966, newspaper, April 1, 1966; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth244971/m1/1/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.