The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 55, No. 23.5, Ed. 1 Monday, April 1, 1968 Page: 3 of 4
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Khe Sanh bows to student protest
By ERIC SCHEISSKOPF
Trash Reporter
President Karim Puffer of
Grass University today announ-
ced the appointment of the new-
director of the Grass Food
Service, Miss Gloria Bacteria.
The previous incumbent, Oedi
Khe Sanh was removed from
office yesterday following her
replies to student threats con-
cerning the quality of the food
which she prepared for them.
A student delegation, led by
campus war-monger Sandlot
Mullover, had surrounded the
lonely, isolated food service
headquarters into which Miss
Khe Sanh had retreated, ignor-
ing the warnings of her em-
ployees that she would be en-
circled there and cut off from
aid from Shovett Hall.
Polish Sausages
Crying "Come out and face
us like a man" and "Send your
sausages back to Commie Po-
land," the students surrounded
the building and began lobbing
country steaks at the main en-
trance and at any cars that
tried to enter from Grass Boul-
evard.
Encircled for 3 days and suc-
coured only by the supplies
which were flown in from Sho-
vett Hall on carrier pigeons,
Miss Khe Sanh emerged on the
morning of the fourth day.
Weak from refusal to eat any
of her own food, she approached the provinces on a goodwill
Mullover, who had sustained a
four day eat to demonstrate the
sincerity of his cause, and asked
that she be allowed to leave
the campus, promising never to
return.
Provincial Kitchens
Miss Khe Sanh, who had
originally been employed as an
advisor for rolling ice cream
balls to Sorry's Cafeteria, had
expanded her control when the
cooking had gone campus wide,
and had taken charge of the six
provincial satellite kitchens.
She had previously been em-
ployed by Swill Billious' Res-
taurant, and had enjoyed a city-
wide reputation for her ability
to open oyster shells with her
finger nails.
Mullover proclaimed total
victory and credited his year-
long campaign of food riots
which culminated in what he
called his Tit-for-Tat Offensive
on the Food Service Building.
Lulled into Complacency
He cited Miss Khe Sanh's ad-
mission that she had been lulled
into complacency by the proc-
lamations of the Grass Univer-
sity President. Puffer had told
her that the Gi*ass roots support
for Mullover's campaign had
been weakened by such success-
ful pacification programs as the
appearance of his chief advisor,
boy prodigy Rummy Crass, at
tour.
Mullover also pointed out that
the supposed unification of pro-
vince chiefs had never material-
ized, or they had at least ju-
diciously refrained from coming
to the aid of Miss Khe Sanh in
her moment of need.
United Front
Grass' Puffer, in his an-
nouncement which officially re-
moved Miss Khe Sanh from of-
fice and replaced her with the
Hansin Province Chief Execu-
tioner, Gloria Bacteria, vowed
that food service policy would
remain unchanged in spite of
the mild setback.
He promised that the Uni-
versity could conquer student
unrest while pursuing fiscal re-
sponsibility, without diminish-
ing the effort on either front.
Puffer: "Shovett Hall ivill never give in to yon Xervoiu
Nellies who can't stomach the good with the had.
"You can take your Commie sausage, Shovett. ana
MulloVei
shove it
Narcos searching for illicit drugs;
no more grass for Grass puffers
A campus raid early Tues-
day morning proved fruitful for
Federal.agents, as they arrest-
ed a Rice professor and charged
him with illegal possession of
narcotics and other drugs term-
ed "illicit."
"This time we've bagged us
the big pusher," said one of-
ficer, refering to Rankled Fagid
of the Rice Chemystery Dept.
Fagid was found with 20
pounds of marijuana, 14 pounds
of LSD, (5 gallons of methed-
rene, 34,000 "pep" pills, and a
large assortment of aphrodis-
iacs.
A string of flowers worn by
the suspect was also sent to the
police lab for further analysis.
Agents swooped down on the
Hansin Coffeehouse at 2 am
Tuesday and discovered Fagid
on a tabletop, in a trance-like
state, doing the Funky Broad-
way.
When officers sought to appre-
hend the suspect, he protested
violently, claiming to be a war
hero. He said that he won the
purple heart in Vietnam.
At that point, Fagid alleged-
ly dropped his trousers and
pointed to "shrapnel wounds"
on his lower abdomen. However,
one witness said that the scars
"bore a remarkable resemblance
to an appendectomy."
Indecent exposure charges
were then added by police.
The raid on Hansin came in
response to an anonymous call
pinpointing the time and place
of Fagid's activities. The tips-
ter is believed to be a rival of
Fagid, one who has resented
Fagid's usurpation of power and
influence. Police say that he is
a virtual master in his field.
Despite the overwhelming evi-
dence, Fagid still proclaims his
innocence: "It's all a big mis-
take," he said, "I was just do-
ing my thing."
The next time you're in
Fairbanks, Alaska, buy
your souvenirs f r o m
OOGLUK
THE TOTEM POLE KING
College students themselves reveal in their own words
what really goes on at their celebrated Easter rites
What Happens in Fort Lauderdale
Compiled by William Haines and William Taggart
A Zebra Paperback Book 95f, now at your bookstore GROVE PRESS
I
1
NOW! ! IT'S FINALLY HERE! !
-n
THE RECORD ALBUM YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR! ! J}
A VERITABLE ORGIASTIC BACCHANALIA OF ACID-ROCK! ! #
"THE MASTERS IN CONCERT" *
A live performance from Bones Hall (complete with audience applause, shrieks, ges- Jj
tures) featuring America's newest sing-song sensations—THE MASTERS!
Rummy Crass
Churl Wish washy
Clinton Wannly
Rue Tallyboo
L.A. Dodgers
Main Street Mullton
(accompanied by the Association)
The tunes you've all grown to love:
"I Can't Get No Satisfaction" (The Open-House Song)
"Silence is Golden" (The Liquor Policy Song)
"Manic Depression" (The College Presidents' Song)
"Alice's Restaurant" (The Friday Night meal song)
"The Impossible Dream" (The Off-Campus Students Song)
"I Want to Hold Your Hand," or "In Loco Parentis" (The Board of Trustees Song)
"Fascinating Rhythm" (The Health Service Says "No" to Jones Girls Song)
"Something Stupid" (The Food Service Report Song)
On RCA Victor
'His Master's Voice'
<f* I
A blindfold test
for beer,
If anybody ever says you
can't pick Budweiser with
your eyes shut, you can
call his bluff.
First, have somebody
pour several brands of
beer into glasses. Now
stick your nose close to
the foam of each glass
and take a sniff. Notice
a difference? The
one with the clean,
fresh aroma is Budweiser.
Now taste. This gets a
bit tricky. But the one beer
that tastes like beer with-
out any one flavor jump-
ing out at you (like hops,
or an extra sweetness, or
sometimes a sour or sharp
taste) is Budweiser.That's
because Budweiser is mel-
lowed— by our Beech-
wood Ageing.We want
you to taste the beer,
not the recipe.
If anybody pulls a
beer-tasting test on you,
now you know how to
win. Just follow your nose.
Budweiser.
KING OF BEERS • ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INC. • ST. LOUIS • NEWARK • LOS ANGELES • TAMPA • HOUSTON
the grass trash, april 1, 1968—page 3
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Garon, Phil. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 55, No. 23.5, Ed. 1 Monday, April 1, 1968, newspaper, April 1, 1968; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245027/m1/3/?rotate=270: accessed June 23, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.