The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 48, Ed. 1 Thursday, April 1, 1976 Page: 9 of 16
sixteen pages : ill. ; page 20 x 14 in.View a full description of this newspaper.
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Prophylactic shortage to cause tight squeeze
TO KNOW SCIENCE FICTION IS
TO LCVE IT.
—robert throdborke,
1879-1917
Once again the Trasher has
secured an exlusive interview
with the noted Dr. Lazlo E.
Bernard III, discoverer of the
bozon and inventor of the
Moebius treadmill; but it was
only with much persuasion
that he would emerge from
his seclusion in the lower
middle islands of Tasmania.
He tells us in this interview
that his interests have
broadened to include the more
diverse aspects of bozosity,
having left the basic
theoretical aspects to his
dedicated associates. As such,
he has been considering the
implications of bozosity for the
common man.
IF REALITY WERE CONSISTENT,
IT WOULD UNDOUBTEDLY
CEASE TO EXIST. —r.t.
Trasher: What exactly
have your interests turned to?
Bernard: After concluding
the foundational research, as
you so dutifully recorded last
year, I decided to branch out
into applied bozosity. The
most important step had
already been done: the
hypothesis and subsequent
discovery of the bozon as the
source of all that is bozo in the
universe. But this research,
invaluable as it was, was
rather theoretical, and for
myself, being of an engineer-
the
. uce
trasher
ing bent, this wasn't enough.
So, I've created the field of
applied bozology.
Trasher: Meaning what?
Lazlo: Well, applied
bozology falls into two
categories: analysis of human
and nonhuman systems. Do I
need to explain systems?
T: Perhaps you'd better.
L: System is my term for a
(usually) consistent set of
ideas or relations along some
basic theme. For instance, the
earth is a system. Well,
perhaps the earth is better
classified a meta-system: a
system of systems, which was
the next thing I was going to
mention. However, systems
fall into two main categories:
natural and human. To
differentiate them, you have
the fact that the human
systems are somehow
distinguished by having,
much as an individual does, a
self-awareness. This is an area
which I have termed the area
of Sensitivity, about which
much could be said. It will
have to wait. (Ed. note: a
tragedy.)
thursday, april 1, 1976
volume 63, number 47'/2
THIS SPACE
LEFT BLANK.
INTENTIONALLY
—ibm
This picture is utterly tasteless,
offensive, and out of place in a
responsible newspaper.
Trasher: Tell us more about
bozosity.
Lazlo: Bozosity is caused by
the bozon—the fundamental
particle I postulated a year
ago, with charge i. Bozons are
in a sense a fundamental new
form of matter—and they
combine with the more basic
physical particles to form
complex particles. Bozons are
of course not observable, but
the fundamental particles and
the more complex particles
formed in these conjunctions
are. Physicists have of course
observed the complex particles,
but without a complete
bozosity theory they're at a
continued on page 8
All the Editor's men: these guys play rough!
by
DASHIELL CHANDLER
McDONALD
"There's nothing wrong
with Rice University that a
general rise in the ocean level
wouldn't cure." Conventional
wisdom. Common gutter talk,
right. It's true. Things go on
here at this campus that would
surprise even Mr. Haldeman
and Mr. Ehrlichman. Even
Indira Gandhi.
I was on the phone with Idi
Amin when Rice pol D.B.
Parkinson shuffled through
the sliding glass doors. Idi and
I were playing telephone chess
but I had to tell'him that it was
quits for today. I had a client in
the place, first one in a while.
"Can I help you?" I said,
quickly giving him the once-
over. Not very well dressed:
ratty sweater, double-knit
pants, greasy hair, scruffy
beard, and a Ronald Reagan
button. An honorable man.
"Yeah, you can. I don't
usually come to people like you
with my problems. Usually I
go to my local gauleiter or
priest. It's just a habit I've
gotten into over the last
sixteen years. Must've been
my home atmosphere."
I swiveled around in my
chair, letting my feet up on the
desk. Dirty Adidas and Pierre
Cardin blue jeans on the
antique desk. "Things can be
tough," I observed. "Look
what happened to Former
President Nixon. Poor guy
gives us peace with honor and
gets run out of office."
"My problem has to do with
politics," he said, mumbling. I
couldn't really make it out too
well. "I'm a student; I hope
you'll take that into account
when you send your bill. Iran
for editorship of a large and
famous student publication at
Rice University and I've got
some complaints. Before
anyone could get to work for, I
mean with me, my campaign
was sunk. I want you to tell me
how it was done. I'll pay top
dollar. YAF is pretty rich.
They're backing me up all the
way."
The story I got out of him
smelled worse than a dead
crocodile's crotch. It revealed
corruption running all the way
to the top. I learned that every
person associated with the
large and famous student
publication carries a fright-
ening burden of venality and
perversion. Any unspeakable
practice — for money or, as
Do I have to die first, Calvin?
they say, for kicks, is likely to
find them involved.
* * *
First clue. The elite. Four.of
them, the ruling power that is.
They run the large and famous
student publication, really.
There are others who think
that they've got influence. But
they really don't know
anything. People fight tooth
and claw to get into the group,
but if you ever get cut out —
frozen out — you'll never climb
your way back to the top.
D.B. told me that he felt shut
out from decision-making and
that it was bad for the large
and famous., student publica-
tion that he be shut out. "I've
got ideas. The people up there
have these ideas that they're
better than the rest of the
University. They ruin the
administration at every
chance they get. Even rumors
of bugging the President's
phone. They've got the
impression that almost
everyone in a top position at
the school is a total nerd. Not a
dreti. Not like Fonzie. They're
nerds, like Potsie.
"One time the editor, for a
lark, he later told me over a
vial of cocaine — don 7 be
shocked, everyone snorts coke
nowadays, it's just like
mainlining speed. A common
event. Anyway, he told me
that he'd concocted a story
that last year's football coach
was deficient in the brains
department. This story wouhd
its way back to the alumni and
they believed it. One of them,
after jetting down to Peru for a
bit of fish ing, decided to spend '
$60,000 of his own money — of
which he paid taxes on only
$!8.000 — to buy the coach out.
The coach retired to his courtly
country estate and ran for the
Legislature. Sounds bizarre,
huh
"One time later he told me —
over an amyl nitra te capsule —
that he'd, written a letter to the
president of the A&M student
body warning of dire
consequences if things weren't
cool at the game. Then he
wrote back a reply from the
guy signed 'yours in christ'
(this might be 1976 but he's
still the lord), which said that
there was gonna be big trouble
if the non-gentlemen Rice
students didn't keep their
place. It almost started a riot.
A full scale police emergency.
People, Aggies even, could
have been killed. The editor is
My heart reached out to him
so I handed him my business
card. The fame's Jim E.
Duffleheim. My friends call me
Jim E. He smiled; it looked like
the start of a "close"
relationship.
Later at my place: "/ don't
stay with many people very
long. Certainly not with many
editors. A lot of people think
I'm a complete A-l asshole but
it ain't so. I ain't no
delinquent. I'm just misun-
derstood. The tough outer shell
of arrogance and stupidity, not
to mention a tendency to get on
(continued on page 4)
crazy.
Breakfast of champions
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Brewton, Gary. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 48, Ed. 1 Thursday, April 1, 1976, newspaper, April 1, 1976; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245288/m1/9/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.