The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 66, No. 30.5, Ed. 1 Saturday, April 1, 1978 Page: 2 of 8
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It's such a comfort to know
that I have an Editor who's
gullible enough to take
whatever inconsequential
rambling8 I choose to record
and print five thousand copies
of it in living black and white
and distribute them to all the
colleges and the RMC and
mail them out to all the
subscribers and give them to
my profs and mail them to the
advertisers if they are lucky
enough to end up on my page.
Power is fun, even over such a
small mind as his. Not to
slander him of course, after all
he is from Lovett, but he's off
campus this year and he is a
Soc major and . .. well it's just
clear that he's not of the same
caliber as English-PoliSci
double majors from Lovett
who live on campus and write
brilliant bits of wit & wisdom
for the newspaper.
It wouldn't be hard for Rice
graduates to get jobs if it
wasn't for the interview. So
few personnel types have
proper understanding of
Bozology. And they are so
wasteful with reality,
'myology?"
"Do you have a light?"
"You smoke?"
"No, I had a sudden urge to
singe your moustache and I
didn't have any matches."
"Why would IBM want to
hire you?"
"Sardines in mustard!"
"Excuse me?"
"You're welcome."
"Sardines?"
"I just remembered why I
went to Safeway yesterday."
"Oh."
"Also a, e, i, u, and
sometimes y."
"That's a non sequiter."
"Well, the rest are vowels."
"This is stupid."
"No, it's silly."
"Then whv are they reading
it?"
"Why did they print it?"
"Filler."
Of course, Rice girls are
inscrutable. And since I don't
understand them and they
won't talk to me, I'll have to
resort to insults. Actually, I
once thought of getting one,
just after my roommate stole
my bookend, but he convinced
me that she would take up too
much room on the desk.
Probably snore, too. Well, I've
run out of things to say about
that. Maybe I can get out of
this if I have a totally
unrelated interruption and
change the subject while
they're not looking.
"Squeak."
Hey, that's the wrong
interruption. You're not in this
one, Mark.
Sorry ml
You neither mark.
This is getting out of control.
Besides, it's enough for one
weak. I've got to study. But I
don't have an ending and I
haven't even had a chance to
make a case for the run-on
sentence as a valid form of
expression for the gifted humor writer.
Oh no, it's started already. I can't stop it now
I'm trapped I'm forced to fall back on that wirapy
Fouler Fadeout Finale . . .
Snoiditorial
An unhappy thing happened to the Thresher the past week—
we were unable to publish the 1978 edition of our April Fool's day
issue. A spring without a Trasher is like a spring without the
Beer-Bike Race, Rondolet or commencement exercises. But alas,
this semester even the birds bypassed the campus. Traditions do
die, albeit painfully.
What you hold in your hands is the 1979 issue of the Trasher.
We knew that we would be unable to do our own, so we tried to
produce next year's issue a little before schedule. Don't be fooled
by the '78 copy of the Houston Pest that was accidently included
by the printer. Seasoned Pest subscribers should not be shocked
by its rather tardy appearence. They know better than to expect
it on the morning it is dated.
A combination of factors thwarted our efforts. First HAL, the
typesetter, went on strike. A double issue of Texas Fisherman
got ahead of us at the printer. Meanwhile, the staff realized they
had 87 tests and papers due next week and rushed to study.
We have always believed that things come to those who wait.
And we waited—first for Fowler to turn in his record reviews,
then for Greloy to finish the sixteenth and seventeenth draft of
the f. arts calendar, for Linimon to depolymorphize, for the HAL
repairman, and finally for Godot. We even waited for me to
complete the editorial. It was all to no avail.
So we bring your next year's Trasher this year.
I want to make a special apology to Michelle, my successor.
T raditionally Thresher editors have befouled the paths of those
who follow them—adding a little more nitrates to the pool water
as it were. Yet I have done the unforgiveable, I have usurped
your privilege to create your own Trasher. I have taken
something that cannot be replaced—that certain sense of pride
that cuts through the the rumblings of the 15 cokes in your
stomach and the weariness of 27 sleepless hours which comes
only after you have put your Trasher to bed.
True you can have a Trasher on April Fool's Day 1979, but it
won't be yours. I would have stolen it because I was too slothful
to meet the deadlines of my own.
You will have to co-opt the effort of your successor and this foul
pilferage will continue forever. May future Trasher editors
forgive me.
—php
trashing-it-out
Wiess decries 'changing times'
To the Trasher editor:
We are writing in regard to
the proposed co-ed conversion.
It is our belief that the
Administration should not
mandate this type of extreme
activity. Who is Norman
Hackerman to play fast and
loose with Mother Nature?
Just think what this
conversion would entail.
Brown and Jones women, in
would become higher still.
Trying to find a date at a mixer
(which is already nearly
impossible) would become
torture.
And just who is to carry out
this revolting scheme? Who is
this mysterious "Doc" at Will
Rice? As Math Sci/Bio
Chem/Mech E triple majors,
we know such procedures can
be dangerous.
the prime of young maiden-head We are all familiar with the
hood, placed on a slow boat to Brown-Jones adage of the 4-1
Denmark and, after some ratio: "I want to date one of my
hormonal roulette, returned as four men, but he doesn't want
men. The male-female ratio to date me. One wants to date
me, but I don't want to date
him. The other two are dating
each other." If this proposal
goes through and the ratio
increases to 5-1, you can
change that adage to read: "I
want to date one of my five
men, but he doesn't want to
date me. One wants to date me,
but I don't want to date him.
Two are dating each other.
The other one used to be my
roommate!"
Alarmedly yours,
The friends of Brown
and Jones at Wiess
'Other ratio' decried by Jones
To the editor:
We, the women of Jones
North, are concerned about a
problem that is little discussed
here at Rice. A lot of people
make jokes about it, but
nobody ever does anything.
There are a lot of really good-
looking guys with great
personalities at Rice— but
there is one problem; they are
all gay. They are nice to have
around, but sometimes a
woman wants a guy who is
more than just "one of the
girls." Will Rice, in particular,
is apparently going coed one
year too late (or should it be
early?). There is only so much
we can do; the colleges need to
take action also. We are not
asking for much, only our fair
share. How about sharing the
wealth? Anyhow, something
needs to be done.
We have also heard from
Brown about guys with
multiple personalities. That is
no excuse.
Sincerely,
The women of Jones North
An y.few A W/ENPR 1
Uktjh li Y0*r- ■
B<&<sesT
. , —— — /
F/W^TTF FOfttf OF EVEWSE?
pi<s*e$T Social JEYIBVT?
P* the A omtr kffrH -me MM
i* > ,
FILLIP PACKET
ipifp the old number 2
1 - B u STAVE SETSETSETS
V 21IV H 0 Strabismus Manager
* Bracky Bonder
a manager-women
Steel Sulkeven number 113
Mulch Llmnn'mnn number 6
Altered Wunderbar number 113b
Dim Flailer L*A«T*E Editor
Vader Notlob Sassistant Editor
GrEloy Flatulent Editor
Vile Suddenleaver Do-Nothing Emeritus
Burial BoneA number 6
Editorial Stuff Jimmy-bob Bleah, Watered Underwow, TWC,
Stag Berber, Jive Flouter, Mad Millet,
Barely Jokes, Tod Undress, Bev Ailing,
Gory Hammerdon, Farther Remus, Georgianda Jung,
Carp Llllmnmn, Mqrt Freebass, Fancy Ninnerty,
Tomb Rown, Leery Nittles, Chipped Bleed so,
Jean & Mary, omen, Tom GrrTman, Rawslyn Roughin',
Duli Joins, Michelle Smythe, Kathryn Pain
Protogripicky Stiffs Canned Jaxxon, Wrotten Dunderhead,
TW Kook, Jammed Pflfppfludrop, Mark Cutlet,
Deal Schmuck, Bomb Tyrant, Charged Jinxin's,
Cliff Falloff, Mario More-io, Zap and her son,
Turn Nail, Loose Sexier, Tim Brown, Swilley Sandpaper.
Ars Staph Dole Charlatan, Chaff Care, Random perFortnight
F. Ars Staph Mike Snakes, Nicked Scribbler, Caring Rustler,
Stand Barbarous, Tidd and Draws, Aiming Grossedmap
Spores Stacks Lend Leaserty, Leering Natives, Feat Schlob,
Smarty Hoodlum, Rusty Hindersome
Circular Staff Bail Bearing, Martha Esperanto
Productio ad absurdum staffs Viled Studlessbroker,
Sleaze Studythem, Gory Hohumilton, Kraven Bareit,
Grubby Donkey, Our Stale Faker, Rawslyn Ruffian,
That Phug, Don Riskato, Crafty Nogain,
Vapid Gulliblearachez, and the three
mindless ness brothers: rbep, g, mcl (a. leb iii)
The Rice "^rasher, the official stupid newspaper at reic Home-for-the-those-oh-
well-you-know since at least sometime, is nearly published weekly on Thrusdays
during the school year, except during political inquisitions, hal breakdowns,
exams, parties, tunnel runs, acts of God, acts of Godlesanes, and holidays by the
inmates herein, phone 844-7171 or 465-0565. Information (you won't get it) on how or
where to insert, 800-325-3535 and/or 555-1212. Editorial, business, circulation, and
political offices are located on tara, and I don't know what it means either, I just
work (wooc?) here, which is B.O. Box $18.92, Hassletown, Taxes 77001. Mail
subcryption rate, $10 or more. The opinions expressed herein are not, necessarily.
Obviously.
•Copyright 1978, The Rice Trasher. All rights reserved, excp. Chile et al.
. .four more years. . ."
i.
I •
J
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Parker, Philip. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 66, No. 30.5, Ed. 1 Saturday, April 1, 1978, newspaper, April 1, 1978; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245368/m1/2/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.