The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 68, No. 12, Ed. 1 Thursday, October 23, 1980 Page: 7 of 32
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Gonzo
It was iust a scam
How many Aggies does it take to run a beauty pageant?
Editor's Note: This last weekend
saw the production of the
Southwest Beauty Pageant, a
quickie commercial scam that left
almost everyone involved upset.
The responsibility for this pathetic
brainstorm goes to Don Woods of
R&S Promotions, and we're going
to give credit where credit's due.
According to Vikki Kaplan, the
unfortunate woman chosen to
represent Rice, this new pageant
had been sponsored with the
understanding that it would
become an annual event, hut in her
words, "I'd really feel sorry for
anyone who tried it next year."
Promises were broken (or, at best,
modified), equipment was
makeshift and shoddy, or-
ganization seemed virtually non-
existant. By the time the actual
contest rolled around, most of the
girls wanted out.
Vikki, a voice major, sang an
operatic selection for the talent
competition (in a group of 11
dancers and one dramatic reader),
accompanied by a distorted tape
on a low-quality sound system.
She didn't even get to rehearse.
Likewise, the "big name" talent for
the evening, country singer
Barbara Hart, had the same sort of
problems. The microphone for her
Miss UTEP uses her assets in the talent competition.
Channel 2. If you want to see what
an utter waste of time and energy it
was live read Scott's first-person
account of the taping session last
Saturday night.
-S. Solis
Vikki Kaplan, Miss Rice —S. Solis
number was fouled, so she finally
was forced to lip-synch with an old
tape. True to form, the tape
recorder stopped and started
sporadically she mouthed the
words. The audience nearly
laughed her off stage.
First prize for this obvious rip-
off of Playboy's September
feature, "Girls of the Southwest
Conference," was a 1981 Chrysler
LeBaron. Vikki was told that one
of the runner-ups was to win a
$1,000 shopping spree at Foley's,
but it wound up as a trip to lutrry's
Western World. She was also told
that the contest would be held at
the Adam's Mark Hotel, but the
event was actually staged in the
less-than-prestigious sur-
roundings of the Rinestone
Rangier.
Like Vikki, our man-on-the-
scene, Scott Solis, didn't really
know what to expect when he went
to the competition Saturday night.
Certainly, neither one expected the
spectacle of schlock that they
found at the Rinestone Rangier.
If you want to see the
manicured, edited version on TV
(with plenty of T & A), the
"Southwest Beauty Pageant" will
be aired at 1 p.m. Sunday on
And then we entered. The usual
background barroom tunes were
all that was to be heard, nothing to
be seen but the plastic ad
pasteboard decor. This has to be
an Urban Cowboy phenomenon,
my mind flashed, but is it Gilley's
or is it elan? There was the
simulated, stimulating bucking
bronco, yet if Travolta fell off this
one, he wouldn't have landed on
some dirty, old, cum-encrusted
mattresses — here, instead, were
apparently brand new, luxurious
cushions from a deep-brown,
acrylic couch. Moving lights
framed the dance floor.
1 approached a bartender. "This
may sound strange, "1 began, "but
is there going to be a beauty
pageant here tonight?"
"That's right," he replied, "the
Southwest Beauty Pageant.
Supposed to start at 7, but I don't
suppose it'll get started till about 8
or 8:30."
We sat down for drinks. Coors
seemed the only logical way to pass
the time, as my partner proceeded
to explain the nuances of Texas
tipping etiquette. Conversation
wandered, as we each ventured
theories as to how the waitresses
managed to squeeze into their too-
tight jeans, and contestants filtered
in, one by one, before our eyes.
I was shocked: curlers, curlers,
every fucking one of them was
wearing curlers! Was this a beauty
pageant, I wondered, or a
commercial for laundry detergent?
With their sense of "in public"
perverted by the knowledge that
they were to be on television, the
girls entered with total disregard
for the modest audience. And as I
mused as to whether this sense was
really perverted or merely altered,
the pageant producer approached
the microphone. (
"This show will be taped," he
explained, and then went on to tell
us how and when to clap, when to
be silent, when to do this and that,
and on and on. So this is television,
we thought. One of the emcees
standing next to us explained to
the other the difference between
picking a nose and signalling the
desire to snort cocaine. I was
unimpressed.
Another half-hour for the
lackadaisical camera crew to
adjust their lighting. Another
Coors, and then a trip to the
bathroom. "Don't look now," 1
read above the urinal, "but you've
got an Aggie by the neck." This
next to: "Girls of the Southwest
suck!" I was appalled and
embarrassed.
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HANSZEN COLLEGE TAKES
YOU BACK TO
,Barfe (Aaca
ALL THE SEX, BOOZE AND
MUSIC YOU CAN HANDLE
SATURDAY, OCT. 25th
9 PM - 1 AM
$2.50; $3.00 AT DOOR
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The show was finally starting.
That is to say, the false starts were
starting. The emcees (apparently
neither had theabilitvtospeaktwo
sentences in a row, so they
alternated) could not complete the
first segment of the program. Cue
cards were the problem: first, too
slow; second, upside down; third,
out of order. But man that cue card
girl was cute! No firing that blonde
direct orders from the producer,
no doubt.
"Ad-lib!" cried a disgusted
cowboy in the back. "Give that
man a drink," retorted one of the
emcees, "Maybe he'll pass out."
1 was itching to leave by now,
but duty kept me seated. The
judges were announced: one from
Greece, two from the Playboy
pictorial on the Southwest
Conference, and more.
And then the girls. They came,
each representing their respective
educational institutions. They
came, all the way from Angelo
State University to the University
of Texas Nutritional School. And
fortunately, they came... in
bathing suits.
But after what couldn't have
been more than a minute or two,
the lot of them were already gone.
"Why don't you do some retakes
on that?" shouted some drunk
from the back. No luck.
Disappointed, 1 felt it was like
some evil peep show that-never
reaches sex before the time expires
on your quarter. That was the
pageant — gone in a flash of tits
and ass. No synthesis, barely time
enough to lust.
1 chuckled, recalling what the
pageant press agent told me: that
one unnamed school which was
invited (unnamed, that is, by him
- if I knew, I'd certainly divulge)
refused to send a representative
because it prohibited co-ed
bathing in its school rules. She
probably could have worn a long
dress, though. I wouldn't have
noticed.
More wasted time, and I was fed
up by now. A third Coors had
numbed my patience, and 1 wanted
to leave bad. My partner
convinced me to stay and watch
Rice do the talent segment. 1
relented.
But it was too late for me to be
entertained. Grudgingly, I
watched the A&M lass bounce her
limber stuff about the floor,
emphasizing her amazing splits.
Then Miss UT El Paso, in a padded
Cowboy cheerleader-like outfit,
did her thing — which was
obviously intended to do my thing
also, and every one of the male
judges' things, too. This girl was a
pro, I thought. I'll bet she's done
some interesting photography
work before.
As Miss El Paso sauntered off
the stage beaming an erotic smile,
Rice's Vikki Kaplan, dressed in an
unrevealing long dress, assumed
her spot. But what was she doing?
Matronly attire was one thing, but
was she really going to sing opera?
And then she jumped right in
now this wasn't just your normal
Italian high notes, this was
colloquial English relating despair
and morbidity! As a Rice academ,
even I was stumped — can you
imagine the beer-slopping crowd?
That was it, I decided, I had seen
enough. Outside, 1 looked at the
'81 Chrysler LeBaron first prize. It
1 were a girl, 1 wondered, would it
be worth the humiliation and
absurdity?
Hell yeah.
—Scott Solis
As a fitting punchline to this
Aggie joke of a beauty pageant, the
winner selected was none other
than (Una Deiger... Miss A&M.
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The Rice Thresher, October 23, 1980, Page 7
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Dees, Richard. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 68, No. 12, Ed. 1 Thursday, October 23, 1980, newspaper, October 23, 1980; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245452/m1/7/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.