The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 81, No. 3, Ed. 1 Friday, September 3, 1993 Page: 4 of 16
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4 FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1993 THE RICE THRESHER
OPINION
New explanations warranted for NASA's recent failures
Chris
Thomas
On Saturday, August 21, NASA
scientists lost contact with the $1 bil-
lion Mars Observer spacecraft as it
began a maneuver to pressurize its
propulsion tanks.
The probe was scheduled to re-
store contact with Earth after a rou-
tine operation in which communica-
tions were severed. This did not hap-
pen. Since then, repeated efforts to
regain contact with the ship have failed.
NASA scientists have speculated
about possible causes of the mishap.
Their focus has been on a number of
possible computer and hardware mal-
functions. When considered with re-
centembarrassingevents for the space
program, this demonstrates a definite
pessimism on the part of the NASA
administrators.
Instead, I assert that hostile forces
on Mars have destroyed the space-
craft. They found this necessary to
prevent the ship from revealing their
presence.
Who is on Mars, and why don't
they want us to know that they are
there? Laugh, if you will, about my
seeing little green men in my dreams,
but I assert that the cause is a little bit
closer to home—and I'm not talking
about the race of tclekinctic elves that
lives inside the hollow shell of our own
Earth.
Soviet forces occupying the planet
destroyed the Mars Observer as it
approached its insertion into Martian
orbit.
SOVIETS? "How could that be?"
you say. Seemingly ludicrous, it ap-
pears to be the most natural answer.
Have you ever wondered why they
call Mars the "red" planet?
Convincing evidence revealed af-
ter the collapse of the former Soviet
Union/neo-Menshevik Revolution/
mass exodus to Mars in 1991 hints at
how Communist pioneers colonized
Mars. Recall the following chronol-
ogy:
• 1986: Soviet officials authorize the
cover-up of failed experiments at
Chernobyl aiming to create an artifi-
cial black hole. By destroying the nu m-
ber four reactor all attempts at a de-
tailed investigation of the site become
in possible.
• Jan. 1988: British geologists dis-
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heavy- very Kea^j-
covcr anomalous seismic readings
emanating from northern Siberia
• June 1988: Scientists at the United
States Naval Observatory notice sig-
nificant, unexplainable fluctuations in
6 We should slock Ihe Sid
rocket ivilh tactical nuclear
weapons and coml)al-sized
personal particle beam
weapons. *
the cesium atomic clock that suppos-
edly keeps accurate time.
• Aug. 19, 1991: An 'abortive' coup
d'etat serves as a decov for the
conservatives' actual exodus to Mars.
• Sept. 1992: Exxon surveyors in
Tblisi discover a massive u nderground
complex that appears to house a de-
vice that could only be a hyper-
dimensional mattertransporter. It was
damaged beyond definite recognition
and was not in operating condition.
Of course, now that the truth is
revealed, what arc we to do about it? It
should be in the obvious interest of
every peace-loving individual on the
planet that Mars be taken back by any
means necessary.
"What can I do?" the apathetic Rice
student says from inside the Hedges.
The war effort starts at home. There
are things that we can do on,the Rice
campus to combat this catastrophic
threat:
• We can convert Sid Richardson
College into a multistage rocket to be
sent to Mars. After the recent water-
proofing done to the college, this con-
version shouldn't be too difficult
• We should stock the Sid rocket
with tactical nuclear weaponsand com-
bat-sized personal particle beam weap-
ons. I don't know how much thiswould
cost, but knowing the Second Amcnd-
mcntand considering that this isTexas
after all. we could just go to Oshman's
and get some easily enough.
• Contact your friends at different
universities and enlist them in the
fight for freedom. If just a few other
schools follow in a similar vein, we
should have Mars back in a short,
realizable time.
Undcrstand that these suggestion s
represcntonc possible solution to this
problem. I encourage any readers out
there to contact mc with additional
thoughts or ideas.
Remember, this is a fight to pre-
serve the purity ofcsscnce of our own
bodily fluids.
Chris nomas is a Sid Richardson Col-
lege senior.
Labor day provides time for introspection
Coconuts are key to complete and proper celebration, of simmers last stand
Jym
Schwartz
When I was younger. Labor Day
meant so much to me.
It was more than just another ran-
dom day out of school. I recall going
out in the back yard with my brothers,
shovel in hand. We'd dig a nice deep
hole and plant the tree we brought
home from... No. Wait. That was Ar-
bor Day. I think we danced around a
pole with ribbons tied to it. No, that
was May Day.
Was that the day we dissected a
frog from the nearby pond? No, that
white skin, blind eyes, and a keen
sense of smell. It would come up out of
the subterranean passages connected
to the basement of Longcoy Elemen-
tary School (and later, I discovered, to
the other local schools as well) and cat
any children it could find.
Naturally, it only liked the tender.
' The iWOTA, of course,
was a 12 fool worm-like
creature ivilh slimy while
skin, blind eyes, and a
keen sense of smell ?
was Halloween. Okay, the turkey was
definitely Thanksgiving, and the red
construction paper hearts were
Valentine's Day. Well, at any rate, I'm
sure it was a grand holiday that my
whole family had some sort of elabo-
rate ritual to celebrate.
Nevertheless, the holiday that
sticks most firmly in my mind was
NEOTA Day. I'm not making this up.
There was a day when all the teachers
had to go to school and all the kids
didn't I thought this was the single
coolest and most fitting holiday in
existence. After all, it was a holiday for
the people who needed and deserved
it the most the students.
The NEOTA, of course, was a 12
foot worm-like creature with slimy
tasty flesh of youngsters and could
not bear to consume the flabby, tough
hides of people who diagrammed sen-
tences for a living.
(I did worry for my fifth-grade
teacher Miss Thomas since not only
wassheyoungand beautiful, but Ialso
had a crush on her. Alas, she threw
me over for an older man, and I cursed
the day I ever worried the NEOTA
might bite off her pretty little head.
Eventually she took me out for ice
cream; all was forgiven and forgot-
ten.)
It was only recently I discovered
(much to my dismay) that there is no
NEOTA. per se. It's actually an acro-
nym for Northeastern Ohio Teachers
Association, and the day was set aside
for the teachers to enact a "fantasy"
day at school in which no "children"
spoke out of turn, all the correct an-
swers were given, no one stepped out
of line, and teachers could take half-
hour breaks in the lounge without
worrying that their classes were tear-
ing up the room while they sat down
the hall with a cup of cold coffee in
their shaking hands.
What, you might ask, does this
have to do with I^ibor Day? After all,
Libor Day was founded in 1882 by the
Knights of Labor (who wore factory
overalls instead ofarmor) and NEOTA
Day wasn't. But both are days that
have been set aside to honor and cel-
ebrate people who work for a living
everywhere, or at least in northeast-
ern Ohio. We also allow Senators and
congressional Representatives to cel-
ebrate Libor Day out of the goodness
of our collective American heart.
So keep Libor Day in your heart
not just the first Monday in Septem-
ber but throughout the year. Make it
a symbol for days when you want to
slack off because you work hard
enough the rest of the year, damnit.
Libor Day should not be just one day
but evory day (although this might
defeat the purpose).
But the single most importantthing
to remember this Labor Day is to buy
a coconut and send it to the following
address:
Andv Rooncy
CBS-TV
524 W. 57th St.
New York, N.Y. 10019
(If enough people do it, we may
warrant a scathing commentary on
"60 Minutes.")
Sinite VonaTempores Volvere.
Jym Sch wartz is a second-year graduate
student in the department of Geology
and Geophysics.
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Howley, Peter & Epperson, Kraettli. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 81, No. 3, Ed. 1 Friday, September 3, 1993, newspaper, September 3, 1993; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth245845/m1/4/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.