The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 82, No. 24, Ed. 1 Friday, March 31, 1995 Page: 4 of 20
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4 FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 1995 THE RICE THRESHER
opinion
And the Jerry Award for Best New Cartoon goes to ...
Jym
Schwartz
What with the Academy
Awards just past and graduation com-
ing up shortly, now seems to be the
time to dole out honors to the de-
serving parties. As an avid observer
of the world around me, I feel there
may be some people and events
which require recognition before
they fade into the deep obscurity of
recent history.
For those of you who do not know
the story of how "Oscar" (the gold
statue the Academy hands out) got
his name, legend has it he was origi-
nally born without a
title. Then one day,
before the first Awards
were handed out, an
Academy member had
placed one of the new
statues on his desk just
as a colleague stopped
by for a chat. When
asked his opinion of
the new award, the visi-
tor picked up the gold idol and re-
plied, "He looks like my uncle Oscar."
While I do not have an uncle Os-
car, I do have an uncle Jerry. There-
fore, it is with great pride that I
bestow the First Annual Jerry
Awards. In the interest of space, re-
cipients will not be allowed to make
extended speeches. (Semi-authen-
tic certificates can be picked up at
the Department of Geology and Geo-
physics between 9 and 4 Monday
through Friday.)
• Best Legal Non-Prescription
Drug: Caffeine
• Cartoonist Most Likely to be Shot:
Bill Keane ("Family Circus")
• Most Exciting Campus Event: I
wouldn't know ... I'm a grad student.
• Best New Cartoon: The Tick
• Most Original Christening of a
Sand Volleyball Court: Gary
Patterson
• Biggest Liability to Rice: Officer
Nipe
• Most Dangerous Social Experi-
ment: Texas' Concealed Weapons
Bill
• Best Natural Disaster: California
Floods/Mudslides
• Runner-Up, Natural Disaster:
Houston Floods/Fires (Sorry folks,
but all rising waters being equal,
statewide mudslides beat one lousy
fire.)
• Most Dedicated "At Any Rate"
Readers: Alice Wood and the gentle-
man who sent me the lovely poem
threatening to break my legs (I be-
lieve his name may be
Corey ... I can't really
read the signature.)
• Worst Novel Ever
Written: I Never Prom-
ised You a Rose Garden
• Best Place to Read a
Book Without Having
to Buy It: Barnes &
Noble
• Best Place on
Campus to Take Your Significant
Other for Some Heavy Petting: The
Chapel
• Worst Place On Campus to Take
Your Significant Other for Some
Heavy Petting: The Registrar's Office
• Best Place off Campus to Take
Your Significant Other for Some
Heavy Petting: Marfreless
• Worst Place off Campus to Take
Your Significant Other for Some
Heavy Petting: Department of Pub-
lic Safety on Bissonet
• Best Place for Animal Petting:
Houston Zoo
• Worst Place for Animal Petting:
Gulf Greyhound Park (which also
receives Best Alternative to Simply
Flushing Your Money Down the
Toilet)
• Most Exciting Place to Drive If
You Happen to Be Ethnic: West
University
• Worst Name foraDoughnutShop
Chain: Krispy Kreme
• Worst Name for Any Restaurant,
Anywhere: Runza Hut — Omaha,
Nebraska
• Most Annoying Foreign Coun-
try: Iran
• Most Inconspicuous Foreign
Country: Canada
• Most Confusing War: Bosnia/
Serbia/Croatia
• Most Confusing Impending War:
Spain/Canada
• BestTool for Education in Geog-
raphy: Breakup of the Soviet Union
• Best Tabloid Headline: "The Sun
Reveals Nostradamus' Secret Reci-
pes!"
• Least Likely, But Most Interest-
ing Conspiracy Theory: The Repub-
licans, framed O.J. so that the Ameri-
can public would be more interested
in the murder trial than the ques-
tionable things they are trying to
accomplish.
• Best Ice Cream: Amy's
• Best Convicted Crack-Addict
6 Best Convicted Crack-
Addict Elected Mayor of
a Major American City:
Marion Barry '
Elected Mayor of a Major American
City: Marion Barry — Washington,
D.C.
• Best-Tasting Tap Water in the
United States: Kent, Ohio (Although
this award was not originally given
by me, I concur.)
• Most Rapidly Declining Plotline:
"Beverly Hills. 90210"
• Least Mourned Demise of a TV
Show: "MAN.T.I.S."
• Most Milked Sport Since the '92
Olympics: Figure Skating
• Most Premature Ground Break-
ing: The James A Baker Institute
for Public Policy (Grass has grown
over the bit of dirt they dug up,
putting the whole process back to
square one.)
• Most Used Sign-Off: Tempora
Bona Volvant.
Jym Schwartz is a third-year graduate
student in the Department of Geology
and Geophysics.
IM players should learn sportsmanship
To the editor:
Intramural sports at Rice are of-
ten taken very seriously and the com-
petition can be fierce. In principle I
appreciate the fact that students play
hard and make the games meaning-
ful. However, last week when umping
an IM softball game, I saw competi-
tiveness and sportsmanship at its
worst.
We were in the middle of the
softball game when several cricket
players were walking through the
outfield towards a sufficiently deep
area in left field where they could
play. They were walking slowly and
holding up our game. Several soft-
ball players starting screaming at
them to get off the field.
For my part, either me or my
partner should have politely asked
them to move off the field as quickly
as possible. Nevertheless, I found
several things unacceptable.
There are no signs telling the
cricket players that the field is re-
served for an official game. From
their perspective, and mine, there
were several people enjoying a beau-
tiful weekendplaying softball, while
they were going to do the same us-
ing cricket bats and balls. The soft-
ball players appeared to expect them
to sprint off the field, or not play at
all, both of which seem unreason-
able.
One player swore at the cricket
players, even after they had cleared
the field, transforming the issue from
field use to basic human respect.
Another player was immature
enough to throw a softball at the
cricket players in the outfield. I
don't know if he intended to hit some-
body or just to show off in a
definitely uncool way, but I was ap-
palled.
In retrospect, I should have
ejected the offenders, but I can't
shake the feeling that I should never
have to be like an elementary-school
teacher punishing little children.
Not surprisingly, the cricket play-
ers starting yelling back, in an effort
to preserve their dignity. Later,
amidst complaints that I didn't have
the game under control, I apologized
to a cricket player who showed no
ill-will and politely asked how far out
they should play.
The conflict was resolved on the
surface and the game resumed with
about 10 minutes wasted. I don't
believe those 10 minutes were sig-
nificant enough to justify the anger
shown or the pain incurred. Like my
friend said when I told him this story:
"some people just don't know what
sports are about."
Vijay Iyer
Lovett '98
HOW TO HANG ON TO YOUR DOUGH.
(WITHOUT CRAMPING YOUR STYLE)
Separate "needs" from "wants."
Hint: A bed is a need. A Mr. Microphone
is a want.
Split the bill but only pay your share.
Why put*in for someone else's swordfish
if all you got was soup?
Set aside money for emergencies.
Unless you'd rather call your parents
for it instead.
Keep your eye on your wallet.
Have a Citibank Classic card in case you
lose it.The Lost Wallet Service can get you
emergency cash, a new card, usually within
24 hours, and help replacing vital documents.
WE'RE LOOKING OUT FOR YOU
To apply, call I-800-CITIBANK
CmBAMO
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Hale, David. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 82, No. 24, Ed. 1 Friday, March 31, 1995, newspaper, March 31, 1995; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth246509/m1/4/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.