The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. 15, Ed. 1 Friday, January 19, 1996 Page: 3 of 12
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Gerald
Falchook
COLUMNIST
I was
in New
recommend the
experience. Really. It is wonderful.
Well, it is won-
derful if you are
not susceptible to
feelings of claus-
trophobia are at
least six feet tall
and have an affin-
ity for the fabu-
lous aroma of the
average New,
Yorker's body
odor. „
You can't un- _ _
derstand Jjie
Times Square experience without
being there.
Four hundred thousand people
crowded into a few city blocks in
Manhattan. And then, whdn the ball
finally descends, everypnegoes nuts.
All around me, people were shout-
ing, yelling, singing, belching and
cheering in an intoxicated stupor
(some were even vomiting; now
there's a way to bring in the New
Year).
The lower the ball dropped, the
louder the roar of the crowd be-
came.
In -the middle of this loud and
primitive celebration, a vision came
to me. Yes, as the sounds of merri-
ment faded from my hearing, my
mind cleared and visions of 1996
were revealed to me.
Here is a list of my predictions for
1996, based on that out-of-body ex-
perience:
• First of all, potatoes will become
the new health food fad, Medical
journals will publish articles with
conclusive results that a diet very
high in potatoes nearly eliminates
chances of developing heart disease
later ifi life and cuts the risk for
getting cancer by 95 percent. Potato
fs
i.>!' /i'.'i; ; :' .; ?;r j
prices on the open market soar.
Idaho, formerly a sorry state with a
dragging agricultural economy,
quickly becomes the wealthiest state
in the Union.
• The low ratings of the "Star Trek
Voyager" series will be reversed af-
ter the producer reintroduces the
series in the fall of 1996as"StarTrek
Voyeur."
Expect lead roles by Cindy
Crawford. Pamela Anderson and
Brad (Arm) Pitt. This series is a sure
bet for winning an Emmy.
• Switzerland, a land ruled by dic-
tators and despots, a home of terror-
ists, a country scorned by the inter-
national community, will rfivade the
Lovett will declare war
on Sid. No one at Sid
will notice.
peace-loving nation of Libya. Don't
ask me how. It will happen.
• I x)vett will declare war on Sid. No
one at Sid will notice.
• Our government will shut down
once again, perhaps twice again, in
the new year. Newt Gingrich, who I
predict will not run for the presi-
dency (mostly because of the drop-
ping popularity of his TV alias, the
Pillsbury Dough Boy), will lead the
charge to shut down nearly every
vital organ of our government.
He will back down from his politi-
cal views and compromise with the
president and his fellow congress-
men only after food shortages caused
by the closing of the Department of
Agriculture end his daily supply of
jelly filled donuts.
I want to emphasize litis vision of
mine, the government shutdown ()n
my way home from New York City,
I Stopped in D.C. and spent a day
there taking in the sights. Of course,
everything of any interest was
closed.
Everything I knew something
was terribly wrong because I was
driving down Pennsylvania Avenue
at noon on a Wednesday, and there
was virtually no traffic. All of those
big pretty government buildings
downtown were as empty as the souls
of our politicians.
• Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie
Presley will have their first child. To
no one's surprise, the child will be
named Elvis. I Inrelated to this event,
Michael will come out with a new
release: "My Tribute to the Beatles
— Remakes of My-Favorite Beatles
Songs."
Did you know that Michael Jack
son owns the rights to every Beatles
song? Even if he doesn't do it this
year, Michael is bound to do it,some
day. Scary thought, if you ask me.
• Organic chemistry Professor
Marco Ciufolini will beconiethe offi-
cial university sponsor of 13. He runs
his first 13 on Halloween.
He creates a new, edible shaving
cream in his lab and offers to pro-
duce it in mass quantities. 13 is never
quite the same again,
• Someone famous will die. 1 can't
remember who. Just as this revela-
tion was about to be given, a slap-
happy New York drunk yelled
"Happy New Year!" in my ear, put
his arm around my neck and gave
me a noogie. So, be on the lookout:
A famous person will die.
• The Democrats will win back
Congress by a landslide in the 1996
Congressional elections. Well, okay,
I guess that isn't a revelation. It is
more like an educated guess It also
qualifies as unfair, insensitive Re-
publican-bashing.
Oh Well, do you think 1 can :' I
usually vote 1 femocrat anvwav
The
SINCE IB 18
Charles Klein, Vivek Rao
Editors in Chief
Anne Kimhnl
Mushiest Manager
NEWS
George Hatoun, Editor
Clietah Kapoor, Editor
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OPINION
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FEATURES
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ARTS A ENTERTAINMENT
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SPORTS
David Gordon, Editor
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Advertising Manager
CALENDAR
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BACKPAGE
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Packy Saunders, Editor
PHOTOGRAPHY
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Blake ( ommiigere. Atl Manage!
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e COPYRIGHT 19%
ir attractive cousins.
Ker™ Bunny will
will stop dead in
ig Kong will come alt:
w _ J - **m,.. t
usa is inspired ny nan s act of I dp not claim to be a prophet,
malice. Always the over-achiever, These visions simply come to trie
she designs, engineers and mass now and then, especially at moments
produces a vile, ifnot exactly deadly, of great spiritual feeling, like after
projectile, appropriately termed a running a marathon, while climbing
"douche bag." that can be fired with an Appalachian mountain or during
Bart's slingshot. an especially-needed visit to the
She, Bart and Milhouse stage a restroom.
successful suprise attack on the Welcome to 1096. everybody,
townspeople of neighboring
Shelbyville, who mistake them for Ceroid Falchook is a Sid Richardson
higher life forms who have arrived College junior
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Klein, Charles & Rao, Vivek. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. 15, Ed. 1 Friday, January 19, 1996, newspaper, January 19, 1996; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth246528/m1/3/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.