The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. 24.5, Ed. 1 Monday, April 1, 1996 Page: 5 of 12
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Schmooze
THE RICE TRASHER
NUMBDAV. APRON 1, 1996 5
ifl
Staff English Major
English Professor I, Grope was recently fired from the university
for being too strict in his classes.
Several students complained that Shakespeare was supposed to
be interesting, and they said that'Grope made it feel worse than
"watching Barney the dinosaur.''
Students said they were simply unable to stay awake in his class
— Grope consequently placed electric shock stimulators on each
chair in class and subjected each student to a 500-kilovolt electric
shock every five minutes.
Apart from this torture, students.were forced to watch clips from
Bye Bye Hamlet during every class session.
Grope would stare at the ceiling for 15 minutes every class, and
students were expected to play dead during this time. If anyone
flinched, they would lose a letter grade on their next paper.
But it didn't matter. Fir ope was extremely stringent on his grading,
too. Baker College junior Wiffek Ciao won a Pulitzer^prize for his
essay. Grope gave him a D-<
"[Ciao] made the highest grade in the class. What's he complain-
ing about?" Grope asked. "I'm looking for extraordinary stuff. These
Rice students are simply shitty. They don't know how to fuckin'
write."
He suggested that the students all read the works of Edgar Allan
Poe, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Hemmy Won So to improve their
writing styles.
"Can we read Playboy magazine instead?" another student in the
class asked.
Grope agreed to consider the possiblity after he fully scrutinized
the magazine. He has been looking at it since Jan. 19, but he has not
yet submitted his recommendations.
President Malcolm G said he would not miss Grope. He pro-
ceeded to recount a bad experience.
"I was sitting in this room once, and Grope walked in and shut the
door behind him ... [CENSORED BY TRASHER STAFFj," G said.
Students sympathized.
"One time, 1 was looking at Grope, and he had his fly undone. Poor
man, I wanted to tell him," Wise College sophomore Semi Ho said,
Power
FROM PAGE 1
executed by the Rice Shooting Club
(RSC).
Camacho's ultimate goal io the
creation of this program is to benefit
the university and the students by
creating the kind of lust for power
which equatesto success in national
politics.
"We've never had a United States
president from Rice," Gunacho said.
"and I'd like to be known as the one
who makes it happep."
He envisioned for the future, "in
10 or 20 years, for Rice to be seen by
the people in this country and the
world as the place to go if you want
to be successful in the political
arena."
Camacho has appointed astudent
director of Power Rice one of the
Lever brothers. I always gel them
mixed up, and I'm sure you do too,
so it doesn't really matter which one
he appointed, does it'J
Monument
rROM PAGE 4 *
SA Executive Board are cx-Trushcr
staffers?
This reporter doesn't think so. In
fact, some people I know don't think
What art1 they talking about? -
After hours of debating which
staffer's likeness the proposed statue
would take, the Trasher Editorial
Board decided to allow all contend-
ers to settle their differences' with a
good old-fashioned penis measur-
ing.
Saunders just smiled and said.
"May the biggest cock win," to which
Klein responded, "1 am sure 1 'will "
Chran was left debating whether
or not width should count in the
end.
Kaplan makes
your wee-wee
fall off.
Studies show that people who
take Kaplan are 400 times more
likely to contract genital
herpes. Don't take their course,
or God Will hate you.
The Princeton Review
• -
Enclosure pfan approved
m
1 Hik^Lii
.jprlfff fPPiP .
Slitfl Oh\t
Due to recent security concerns,
the Board of Govenors approved
President Malcolm G's proposal to
enclose the entire campus in a self-
contained bubble
Sales representatives from the
Houston Chronicle have been ar-
rested for vandalizing the Trasher
office and attempting to sell
marijauna to 2nd floor Hasbeenites.
They were subsequently stripped
and subjected to a torturous inquisi-
tion by the Honor Council
After several hours of being
beaten with wet noodles, they finally
admitted to not being representa-
tives of the Houston Chronicle but
the Texas A&M Battalion.
These concerns prompted sev-
eral proposals to make the cfempus a
safer place.
"I'm very concerned about the
wetl-bemf of our squirrels," G said,
When probed, he grinned.
In response to the reporters'ques-
tions about the safety of students, G
looked perplexed.
"Huh?Urn... students?"Gasked.
"Oh! You mean those little peons
who are the bane.,. uh, nevermind ."
"Hie plastic dome will be approxi-
mately 69 feet high and cover the
entire campus. It will be modeled
after the Biosphere in Arizona and
be entirely self-sufficient, at least
until the Pub burns down again.
In addition, moving walkways wil!
be installed to replace the shuttle
buses, which have been unreliable
Director of Food and Housing
"Bob Trust not is optimistic about i he-
endeavor although he realizes its
drawbacks,
"The best part of all of this is that
no one, and I mean no one can
inside our hedges," Trustnot
"However, we have one teensy pre
lem — no one can get out, either."
"We're still working on that, bu
in the meantime. I still wish I had a
shotjfct becoming an RAat Hanszen,"
he said,
Despite the technical concerns,
construction will continue as sched-
uled.
In order to secure the bubble,
Wise College will be torndown and
the bricks from the original founda-
tion will serve as anchors.
Wise students are concerned
about, living situations during the
construction process. Repeated
meetings with Trustnot have proved
unfruitful.
"No one gives.a rat's ass about
Wise, much less the people who live
there," he admitted.
"After all. it smells like < i's toes."
Bacon consumption required
Monkeys
Slot! I'if.
Residential Colleges Manager
Bob Trustnot announced last week
that Food and Housing would imple-
menl a new policy requiring that
bacon be served at all Central
Kitchen meals and consumed by all
Rice students,
- Th/policy. was announced in re-
sponse to repeated requests by
former Student Association Presi-
dential "candidate Jeff Holiday, a
Will Rice College senior.
"Bacon. We need bacon," Holi-
day said.
Will Rice College senior Harry
Black agreed. "There is a lack of
fatty meat served bv CK,". he said.
'The new policy will ensure that Rice
University students get the lipids
that they so desperately require."
Trustnot is aware that not all Rice
students would lake advantage of
the bacon policy, and he has taken
steps to ensure that the new I K
policy would not be circumvented.
"Everyone will eat the bacon,"
Trustnot said. "It will be available in
its pure format every meal, of course;
but for those who don't understand
its importance, it will be hidden in
the beef, the chicken, even the veg-
etarian meals. We're looking into
bacon-flavored frozen yogurt as
well."
Holiday was pleased that his ef
forts to increase bacon appreciation
at Rice paid off
'There is a lack of appreciation
for pork here, sort of like the lack of
appreciation for TV," he said "But
now maybe people will start to real-
ize what bacon is really worth. We
are intelligent people; we need to
love bacon!"
Peter Gurgle, anolliet bacon pro-
ponent, believed that the importance
of bacon needed to be emphasized
outside of WRC to truly spread its
message. "Remember," he said, "we
aren't just sharing this conversation
with two other people, we're sharing
it with nine billion other people!"
The bacon project takes effect
this Sunday at brunch, and all-you-v
can-eat bacon will be offered at CK
all day. All of the colleges will have
bacon available from II a.in to 7
p.m. All students are encouraged to
partake in the bacon festivities,
Is
4
it
4
nothing more than
BllmlfaiUi?
It's kind of trendy to pick your
own God, whether that's a tree,
or a crystal, or Mother Earth, or
the deity described in the Bible.
They say it doesn't matter what
you believe, as -long as you're
sincere.
Hut maybe you're someone
who has a more realistic goal
m
for your beliefs. Maybe you
want to believe in imythiiiy so
long as yoti get off. After all,
who needs "God" when you've
got a goddess?
They may say beauty is only skin deep,
but visual faith is much more fun than blind
for your free sample access
" ' III
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Klein, Charles & Rao, Vivek. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. 24.5, Ed. 1 Monday, April 1, 1996, newspaper, April 1, 1996; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth246538/m1/5/?rotate=90: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.