The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. 24.5, Ed. 1 Monday, April 1, 1996 Page: 9 of 12
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THE RICE TRASHER
'Any ldew for your
sports columnists, to come up with an idea for a
coiutnnasd then actually write the column.
I was shocked and amazed. However. I was
able to collect myself and find my way to a
computer/
After staring at the screen for an hour wait-
ing foi* something to come to mind*, 1 simply
gaveup.
then my roommate offered some advice.
; "Why don't you discuss your picture? You seem
t& do it every other week," he said.
t had mentioned my picture in a column
before. I know that nobody ever looks good in a
mug shot, but I van't be thai bad.
Well, here is my analysis of the various mug
shots taken by the Trasher.
This, by far, is my favor-
ite picture of myself. My
smile seems the most sin-
cere. I'm also.wearing my
favorite T-shirt Vou know,
thd one that says "Tuck
Fexas." It's a great shirt,
nice and soft since I've
washed it so much. Another
great thing about this pic-
ture is that my ears stick
out. In many-foreign coun-
tries, ears that stick out are
status symbols. In Budapest, I could be mistaken
for a king or whatever the leader of their govern-
ment is over there. I've used this picture many
times in my portfolio when I have tried out forfait
parts on "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
This mug shot is my
third favorite. I'm not sure
exactly why, but! think one
of its saving graces is that it
shows off my strongly-de-
fined jaw tine, I look sort of
like Ryan Lever here, don't
I? And that's who everyone
wants to etiiu)&e,so I would
have to say ihls-pfcture
makes me happy. It makes
me want to sing "Free as a
Bird" by the Beatles. The
only drawback to this photo is that my head is sort
of tilted to the right. It makes me look crooked,
and symmetry is important to me. I respect form
and all.of that stuff. That's why I write for the
sports section of The Rice Trasher,
the num. fin- myth
Chuck Whfte-boy
Snif f Shin
I've never liked this pic-
ture — I've got those "bed-
room eyes." Because of this,
my mother thinks it's way
too risque. I have to agree. 1
don't want people to getthe
wrong idea. Also, my left
shoulder (your right) is
higher than my right one
(your left}. As I've riien-
tioned before, symmetry is
Something I strive for. And
parting my hair on the,left (your right) only exag-
gerates the shoulder* thing. I'm also wearing a
Chuck W.
97ft-.SMf.-7
shirt that 1 don't like very much. It's the one that
says "Don't worry, be happy." It isn't a polyeste
cotton blend, so it itches., I have sensitive skin.
In this picture, 1 at-
tempted to compensate for
the uneven shoulder tiling
by parting my hair on the
other side. However, if you
look closely, you'll notice
that I've, unintentionally,
mind you, raised my right
shoulder (your left). So I
face the same dillema. As if
that weren't frustrating
enough, my ears are not
sticking out enough. I'll
took like a Hungarian peasant with ears like this.
However, this« photo is,my second favorite be-
cause my smile is genuine. My mom always
compliments me on my smile.
Charles Whore
For SA Prexiilrnl in 'Vf
MONDAY, APRIL 1.1996 9
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Hey, better a sellout than another fucking parking fee.
Rice sports facilities sponsored
Football games to be played at Brown and Root Stadium
Mary Ann Icelander
('Inwhtg
Hie corporate sponsorship mania that
has been sweeping professional sports has
found its way to (he Rice University cam-
pus. Joining such illustrious sporting facili-
ties as San Francisco's 3Com Park (for-
merly Candlestick Park) and Chicago's new
United Airlines Center are Brown and Root
Stadium (formerly Rice Stadium), BSC
Court (formerly Autry Court) and Ander-
son Consulting Field (formerly Cameron
Field).
The total take from these three transac-
tions netted the Athletic Department $60
million .
"This should go as an example to other
departments on campus," Athletic Director
Bobby Day said. "Where it took almost 50
years of hard work for the Electrical Engi-
neering Department to get only $7 million
lrorn Texas Instruments, all we had lo do
was sell our soul one afternoon."
An executive from Brown and Root who
asked to remain anonymous said, "Hey,1
these are hard times for the construction
industry. We built the fucking thing in the
first place. It's about time we get some
publicity from it."
When asked for comment, basketball
Head Coach Willie Watson said, 'They
come ready to play every game. They have
some great players who can really hurt you.
"We are going to have to force, them to
play-the Rice type of basketball. We can't
get complacent with ourselves. We have to
go out and give everything we have."
SA President Santa Anna Wetlander
agreed with the move. "It is an easy way to
raise money to improve the athletic facili-
ties so (hey are comparable to other schools.
"In fact, Weiss College President Dave
McCann is currently beginning negotia-
tions with Ernst and Younfj, Enron and
Texas Commerce Bank. By changing the
name of Weiss to our corporate sponsor,
we can complete renovations years faster
than the university could have. And by the
way, Weiss is spelled W-i-e s-s," McCann
said.
Intramural Director Lisa Weidnrr re
vealed that she is currently negotiating
with some smaller companies for sponsor-
ship of the IM program. "It wouldn't be
close to what the Athletic Department got,
but it would be enough to buy some new
conos and a couple of whistles for the refer-
ees," she said.
Party Leered
•Frljtm in ( hirl . -hi
y
In an effort to increase attendance at
games, the Rice lacrosse learn has decided
to adopt a new stick into their playing. This
stick, rnadeby Texas Instruments, features
a mild electrical current. When a Rice player
checks an opponent, the stick administers
an electrical shock,
"The voltage of the shock is similar to
that used on chimpanzees in* psychology1
experiments. It's harmless, maybe," Chem-
istry professor Stuart Smalley said.
.This stick, chosen over one with a (Mtjch
spike on the end, sHould take Rice straight
to the top according lo Smalley, Rice's most
experienced goalie
An earlier proposal to substitute a live
hand grenade for a traditional lacrosse ball
was vetoed by the player's union after pro-
tracted negotiations.
The Rice lacrosse team closed its spring
season with a record of 23 wins and one loss
to some old ladies from Miami. This loss
followed a 23'game winning streak against
SWC teams like Steven F. Austin and Pin-
head, the guy from Hejlraiser with the pins
in his face.
"We held the Old "Bats off until the fourth
quarter, but we couldn't match their power
in the second half," midfielder Biff Stutgarm
said. "I was surprised the referee didn't call
one of their midis for beating our goalie
over the head with her purse."
The Old Bats hold the club title in the
east after a harrowing game against th<
Rice men's rugby club.
"We have to maintain intensity for the
entire game. We can never let our guard
/Iown, even if the average age of our oppo-
nents is 80. They .were a good team. Orft^
should never underestimate anyone in
this game, especially when they're low on
fiber. It's been a rebuilding year, and our
starters are returning. I'm very options*
' tic.," Head Coach Ned Flanders said
"ftie incorporation of the stick in prac-
tice has already made us better playei v."
Club President Lawrence Olivier said.
Olivier refused to comment on why his
teammaflK Beavis Mitchell, lay < onvuK
ins on the field for Iralf an hour alter |
Tuesday's practice. 'Too much. Mountain |
Dew, I guess," defenseman Mr. T said
SCf LACROSSE 'M<,7 14
turn pro to r
'We can go to Nashville too,' threatens Rice GM Porky Sanders
Sid Richardson
Sh'tl fW/l'VC
New Franchise President
Alcoln C * ills announced iii con-
nection with the Houston Sports
Authority that Rice's football
leant vyoujd enter the National
Football League to replace the
departed Oilers,
"1 want everyone lo know
that I am overjoyed to see Hous-
ton returned to the ranks of
major league cities. And I as-
sure you, the $7 million do-
nated by Texas Instruments to
both Houston and the NFLhad
nothing to do with this." said
Houston Mayor Bob Ranier.
Taking advantage of the
press conference, Gills* an-
noiifncea a few other minor
changes in the team. "First off,
Dan-Heatfield will no longer be
the coach of the team. Sammy
the Owl will take over his du-
ties. Now, there's a coach who
has the fighting spirit!"
He then introduced Porky
Sanders, the franchise's first
general manager There are
several things to make clear
First, the Arctic Orchard logo
will appear on every jersey. I
like Arctic Orchard. Since they*
sponsored my diet, I've gained
25 pounds," Sanders said.
"Second, the Brown and Root
Stadium (once known as Rice
Stadium — see 'Rice sports fa~
cilities sponsored', above)
doesn't have enough luxury
boxes.
^Onlessffie" stadium fscfr^
V
tit-ally renovated, add Texas In-
struments donates ST million
to me. I see no choice but a
move to Nashville Hiey were
very generous to the Oilers, and
we have a real team "
The Owls will start plav in
1996*97. No roster moves are
planned at this point However,
rumor persists that quarterback
Mad Nelson will be traded for
used athletic supporters, or, if
there are no takers.nnoved to
water boy. Punter Pucker
Phillips will "take'over"Tor"Maif"
*
■ f-k mm
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Klein, Charles & Rao, Vivek. The Rice Thresher (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. 24.5, Ed. 1 Monday, April 1, 1996, newspaper, April 1, 1996; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth246538/m1/9/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.