The Atlanta News. (Atlanta, Tex.), Vol. 10, No. 5, Ed. 1 Thursday, September 16, 1909 Page: 2 of 8
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W/V/> the World's
Great Humorists
Selections from the XOritings of the 'Best Kjnob&n
MaKers of Mirth.
Hv
r* ..
Our Own Solomon
By W. D. NESBIT.
nenoia, t
tall by In
ltayetb unti
My son, come hither and hearken
4into a few helpful thoughts.
Consider now the man that get-
teth autoitls.
Behold, he seeth the rich and proud
their automobiles, and he
unto the wife of his bosom:
"Verily, I would rather flick flies
off of old Dobbin and jog along the
iroftd than to sit upon one of those
imnaway cook stoves."
And the wife of his bosom sigh-
4tth and -gayefh: "Yes, but they art?
Helling lovely auto hats and coats,
now."
And her husband cometh home and
reth that it is fine, indeed; and she
Mm that the Perkinses are
ig - to have one, and she wonder-
that they may afford it, for Per-
maketh not the money her hus-
i maketh, neither hath he the me-
chanical ingenuity to understand the
her husband looketh at old Dob-
hin and sayeth that gasoline doth not
teoat'
And* he speaketh unto the men that
It autos, which men are called
And they are like unto insurance
for continuity of purpose,
before a week hath passed be-
the man speaketh the speech of
era that go about with a wrench
one band and a pair of goggles in
<the other.
And he buyeth the best machine
made.
Yea, verily, each man that hath an
auto, surely it is the best one and
MO
c
And His Heart Leapeth Within Him.
all the others are but scrap iron and
yellow pine.
Behold the man getteth him a run-
about, and now his wife beginneth
to speak of how lovely the big cars
are.
And so it is not long until the man
selleth the runabout and getteth a
large, two-story-and-back-porch auto-
mobile.
And his heart leapeth within him
when he rammeth a peanut stand so
that it spilleth peanuts all over the
block,
And he talketli no longer of music
nor of pictures, nor of books, but he
speaketh of cams and clutches and
sparks and plugs.
And his wife talketh no more of
teas and dances, nor of matinees, but
she babbleth of hats and veils and
coats and shoes and gloves.
And he hath a Gabriel horn on his
auto and an electric searchlight, and
he waketh the neighborhood with his
racket
And at last he succeedeth in rous-
ing the wrath of the constable with
the tin star and the chin whiskers,
And he payeth the fine and taketh
his wife in his arms and sayeth:
"Now am I happy, and now is my
soul rejoiced, for I am now a genuine
autoist and I have autoitis in the
third degree and none may withstand
me."
And the remainder of his days he
hath sand in his eyes and oil on his
garments. .
Is it not so, even as we have coaxed
it from the inside of this typewriter
with the friction clutch and the punc-
tured ribbon?
Yea, surely it is so with an exceed-
ing great so-ness.
Selah.
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
WM
The First Basket Picnic
By WILL BRADSHAW.
There is a man, long dead and for-
unwritten of in the pages of
histories, who deserves from his
<&antrymen the finest monument to
memory Our money- ean buy. *
The name of this esteemed and
iy gentleman was Jonathan Bas*
the inventor of basket of com-
and to whose wonderful geni-
we are indebted for the basket
Jonathan Basket was acknowledged
greatest man Of his time, but like
great men he didn't live without
Opposition from a certain element of
(the period. It has even been said
this unprincipled group of muck-
magazinlsts, by their continual
ling shortened the life of the
Ire and high-strung Mr. Basket,
asserted In magazine articles
Ithat the principal and one reason
Basket had in promoting and
tg the Basket-ptchic idea, was
rease the sale of baskets and
llorm a monopoly of the product, and
June, and as if in a trance, penned a
letter to every one not at the sea-
shore. In the most polite language
each was told of an affair to be held
beyond Dobbin's creek, where all
would congregate, and where all would
spend a day in joyous living.
The happy throng had settled them-
selves on the long sward to partake
of their first banquet under the open
sky when—it rained; then poured, and
thundered, and flashed! Speechless
women huddled under the dripping
branches. Men ran about in utter con-
fusion. Babies rolled down the bank
into the creek. Lightning ripped the
shoes off of old Granny Wiggs. The
horses on the rigs tore through the
panic stricken group, spraining the
ankle of Deacon Webber. Poison ivy
effects began to show on the terrified
little ones and a few grown ups. And
still the poor drenched mortals hud-
died under the swaying trees. Little
consolation was there in the words of
old Sam Small, that rain never killed
anyone; they might linger, he said,
but they never died outright.
The scene on that gala day in Penn-
sylvania, as the belated unfortunates
offered prayers for their safe deliver-
ance, was a memorable one. As the
crowd climbed onto the wagons and
rode slowly back to Wazoo, amid the
blinding flashes and unprecedented
downpour, Jonathan Basket realized
he was the instigator of a red-letter
day in history. The Basket-picnic was
an established institution.
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
Cyrus Slocum's Severe Mentor
By ED. MOTT.
*One Day a Great idea Struck Him."
Per Many decades this shadow hung
brer the memory of this great man.
Jonathan Basket was born in 1741
en a little farm not far from the pres-
ent site of Pittsburg. Jonathan's early
Hfe was not different from the aver-
age child of the time, but it is said
that being a studious youth from in-
fancy, it was feared he would not sur-
vive. At the age of 24, Jonathan mar-
tied the daughter of Hiram Strong, a
Wealthy and Influential member of the
community. He now had a large es-
tate of bis own, plenty of the world's
goods and to divert his mind invented
such devices as burglar alarms, patent
Chwns, self-feeding furnaces, wash
Ing compounds, devices to keep the
Steam pipes from pounding at night,
•nd other sundry necessities of the
time. All these succeeded in a way
but Jonathan was ever restless to ac-
complish something great. One day
ft great Idea did strike him, and in
after years he would proudly show, to
•a interested listener, the mark it
left
The town at that time was in the
Jbroes of melancholia. The theaters
Brere all closed, it being summer, and
(fee summer-gardens had been out of
existence since the local option law
•rent into effect some time before,
pooethan noted this sad condition of
and taw with sorrow the
gtate of acute pessimism the once mer
When I ran the Trumpet Blast of
Freedom at the county seat of Way-
back there was on my subscription
list a good many farmers who did
their farming with an ax and whose
harvest was hoop poles. They lived
from five to forty miles away, and
seldom came to town. When they
did come they seemed to be in such
a hurry to get back again that the
little bill the Trumpet Blast had
spoken to them about always slipped
their minds. So one day I started out
to refresh the memories of some of
them by personal contact. In the
course of the day I came to a clear-
ing to which I had been directed as
the domicile of Cyrus Slocum, whose
memory as a subscriber of mine was
at fault just |2.75 worth. I
knocked at the door of the Slocum
dwelling, an unpretentious one, built
of logs. After awhile a sharp-faced
woman, her eyes snapping under her
slimpsy calico sun bonnet, and with
her sleeves rolled above her elbows,
responded to my knocking.
Ho "Does Mr. Slocum live here?" I
asked.
"Cy Slocum?" snapped the woman,
who, as I rightly conjectured, was
Mrs. Slocum.
"Yes, ma'am," I replied.
"Yes, he's about the place," said
she. "The last I seen of him he was
scootin' up the ladder to the shuck
mow, and a leetle faster than I've
seen him move in a coon's age. He
drawed the ladder up after him, which
I kin tell him was mighty lucky fer
him, and he's scroochln' in one corner
o' the mow now, I shouldn't wonder."
"Will he be back to the house
soon?" I asked, still exhibiting no
sign that I regarded Mr. Cyrus Slo-
cum's movements and situation, as
hinted at by his wife, as anything to
be curious about.
"Meanin' this afternoon?" said the
wife of my patron's bosom.
"Certainly," I replied.
"No, he won't, then!" exclaimed
Mrs. Slocum, with a positiveness that
left no doubt in my mind that al-
though the title to that clearing might
rest in Cyrus Slocum, he wasn't the
boss of it by any manner of means. I
stood a moment undecided what to do
next, when Mrs. Slocum snapped
out:
"Would you keer to know why Cy-
rus Slocum won't be here soon?"
I said I would.
"Well," said she, "Cy Slocum had
the snoopiest, humliest old yaller
noun' dog that ever snored on a b'arth-
PdDir ilfe HdDgte
C^at or? Topics of Kiflds,
yaller houn' dogs, so I up an* told
Cy Slocum this mornin' that if he
didn't take that houn' off an' sell it or
give it away I declared to man that
I'd knock it in the head; an' him, too,
maybe! Cy said the houn' was wuth
ten dollars, easy, and I said it wouldn't
be wuth ten cents if he didn't take
to away.
"So Cy took the dog away, and
along about an hour ago he come
back an' said he had told me he could
git ten dollars fer the houn', an' so he
had, he said. An* how do you think
he had? By tradin* that houn' off
fer two onmitigated, straddlin' coon-
dog pups that he said was wuth five
dollars apiece of any man's money,
an' he had fetched 'em home!
"That's the reason Cy Slocum hus-
tled up that ladder to the shuck mow
so suddent, an' pulled the ladder up
after him. An* that's the reason
why be won't be back to the house
soon. He won't be back not till after
lry villagers were bordering on. Un
Hfri* to stand It longer, he tore madly j stun, and I got tired kickin* of it out
o' doors, ; I hate dogs, anyhow, 'tie'ly
to bis room one sultry afternoon in
.. -*" ■' - -<■
"Cy Said the Houn' Was Wuth Ten
Dollars, Easy."
I'm gone to bed, Cy Slocum won't, an
you kin bet your boots on it!"
I couldn't see any particular point
in waiting to see Mr. Slocum, and I
didn't wait. I heard a month after-
ward, though, that he was wondering
what in Sam Hill that editor stopped
his paper for.
(Copyright, 1909, by W. G. Chapman.)
Ideas for Charity Bazar.
No matter what the season the great
organization known as "Society" works
for charity. In fact, not to be identi-
fied with something of humanitarian
import immediately stamps a person
as being decidly out of it.
"Charity" is a magnet that draws
"buds," "belles" and matrons together
with but one interest. Young women
in touring cars stop you on the street
asking for books and magazines for a
library, while all sorts of entertain-
ments engross the evenings.
All this leads up to a novel enter-
tainment being planned for "shut-ins"
of all ages. It is to be an afternoon
affair on the lawn, the huge porches
being utilized as workshops.
There are a number of committees
with competent chairmen. There is
one on "amusement for children," one
for "elderly people," one on "food deli-
cacies." As near as I can judge, it is
to be a most fascinating affair.
Maids from Japan will serve tea,
quaint Holland lassies are to dispense
cocoa, both iced and hot; dainty
"American beauties" garbed in white,
with hair adornment of "Beauty" rose,
will receive the jellies, jams, etc., and
the children's committee, all in cos-
tume from Mother Goose, will receive
for the poor "shut-in" boys and girls.
One group of young girls has pre-
pared quantities of surprise nuts,
made by inserting some tiny object
like a new penny, a bonbon, wee doll,
tiny thimble, roll of bright baby rib-
bon, or a raisin between English wal-
nut shells; the meats extracted were
turned over to the "home-made candy"
committee. The nurses will find these
nuts invaluable as rewards of merit.
. For elderly "shut-ins," there are to
be boxes of "comfort" powders, sug-
gestive mottoes, pencils, pads of pa-
pers, sewing outfits, good short
stories, etc.
Scrap book fans are capital idea,
too, made by pasting bright sayings,
jokes, little poems, anecdotes, etc., on
both sides of a fan. It is light to hold,
and serves a double purpose, giving
comfort by its breeze and amusement
by reading the specially collected say-
ings.
There is also a committee to collect
jars, bowls and vases, as nurses say
the problem of finding receptacles for
flowers is often a perplexing one. An
up-to-date committee is the one col-
lecting puzzles, and why wouldn't the
crippled "shut-ins" love these capti-
vating pastimes just as much as the
sturdy youngsters I saw yesterday
deeply absorbed in putting "dog" puz-
zles together.
I wish I had gotten all these ideas
sooner. They are all of practical use
and there is always a perfect epidemic
of bazars just before Christmas—so
prepare now.
A Delightful Shower,
"Polly" had at last succumbed to
Cupid's wiles and the spinster club to
which she belonged resolved to do the
proper thing in the way of a shower.
The invitations were on green card-
board, lettered in yellow. They were
so pretty that it was some time before
the recipient realized they were sup-
posed to represent jealousy.
Each guest took a dainty tea cup and
saucer, the hostess providing the pot.
All were asked to bring their thimbles.
The work provided by the hostess was
a variety of tea towels. Then the
hostess requested the bride-elect to
make a cup of tea as a farewell to the
other spinsters. The maid brought in
a tray with the cups and saucers, each
cup bearing a black cat shaped card
on which the donor's name, and a sen-
timent were inscribed in white ink. I
forgot to say, these cat cards were in-
closed with the invitations, and the
cups were all sent to the hostess the
day before the shower. Every one
said it was a most unique way of giv-
ing a shower.
BED-BOUND FOR MONTHS.
Hope Abandoned After Physicians"
Consultation.
Mrs. Enos Shearer, Yew and Wash-
ington Sts., Centralia, Wash., says:
"For years I was
weak and run down,
could not sleep, my
limbs swelled and
the secretions were
troublesome; pains
were intense. I was
fast In bed for four
months. Three doc-
tors said there was
uo cure for me, and I was given up to
die. Being urged, I used Doan's Kid-
ney Pills. Soon I was better and in a
few weeks was about the house, well
and strong again."
Sold by all dealers, 50 cents a box,
Foster-Milburn Co., Buffalo, N. Y.
From the Life of the Protector.
Cromwell wished to be painted with
the wart.
"Don't you . mean the warthog?"
they asked anxiously.
For Colds and Gripp—Capudine.
The best remedy for Gripp and Colds is
Hicks' Capudine. Relieves the aching and
feverishness. Cures the cold—Headache*
also. It's Liquid—Effects immediately—10,
25 and 50c at Drug Stores.
An Old-Fashioned Party.
"That Reminds Me" on an invitation
added a spice of novelty to the after-
noon. Each guest told a story reminis-
cent or otherwise, and as they were
all old friends a most delightful time
was enjoyed. This is a capital idea
for a grandmothers' party. Use all
the old-fashioned things obtainable,
have a nosegay of pansies (for
thoughts) at each place and serve this
deliciously old-fashioned supper.
Cold ham and chicken, creamed po
tatoes, tiny baking powder biscuit, to-
mato pickles, brandied peaches, baked
cup custard, rolled jelly cake, tea with
cream and sugar. Have an old-fash-
ioned bouquet of garden flowers, but-
ter plates, a castor in center of the
table and pour the tea at the table.
Pass buttermilk in the afternoon,
icy cold in thin tumblers or—better
still—goblets.
MADAME MERRI.
It's hard for some accountants to
get their balance 'fore quitting work,
but a darned sight harder regaining
their equilibrium 'fore starting.
No more imitation flavors!
Enjoy the real refreshing crushed
mint leaf flavor of WRIGLDY*S
SPEARMINT.
Morning robes and teagowns are
appearing without sleeves, except as
they are made of contrasting material.
Girdles will emphasize many gowns.
The underarm seams are high and
give smartness to the close-fitting,
sleeve.
Foulards are made in such attrac-
tive designs this season that they can
be used effectively in detached pieces.
Net is not used so much now as
sheer batiste, finest tucked organdie
and thin lawn, combined with the
Cluny or Irish lace.
A few years ago the little glri was
dressed with numerous ruffles and so
full were the skirts that a child
dressed with all of the numerous
ruffles looked for all the world like a
fancy ruffled pen wiper. The dresses
to-day are much straighter and the
ruffles are not so full.
Children's Wear
Look Forward.
If I were you. I would not worry
Just make up your mind to do better
when you get another chance, and
be content with that.—Beatrice Har-
raden.
PRETTY STYLES
FOX
CHILDREN.
Our idea of a wise man is one who
never argues with u. woman.
SICK HEADACHE
Positively cored by
these Little Pills.
CARTERS
PlTTLE
IVER
PILLS.
They also relieve Dis-
tress from Dyspepsia, In-
digestion and Too Hearty
Eating. A perfect rem-
edy for Dizziness, Nau-
sea, Drowsiness, Bad
Taste in the Mouth, Coat-
ed Tongue, Pain In th*
Side, TORPID LIVEB.
They regulate the Bowels. Purely Vegetable*
SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE.
CARTERS
VlTTLE
■ IVER
| PILLS.
Genuine Must Bear
Fac-Siraile Signature
REFUSE SUBSTITUTES.
AN ITCHING SKIN
I* about the moat tronblMone
fhln« there a. Yon Wnon It If
you've ever bad any kind of
•kin trouble. But they nil Iftve
way, disappear every Inat one—
every pimply, scaly, Itehinjc,
eruptive kind of disease of the
skin—when you treat them to n
box of
HUNT'S CURF
well rubbed In. TVothtnjc like
It to make the akin healthy and
smooth and free from atlas, or
itch, or pain. Price is 50 cents
a box, and one box la guaran-
teed to cure any one eaae or
you GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
Ask Druggist for Hunt's Cure.
A.B. RICHARDS MEDICINE 00:, Sbsnnan, Tens.
Stop
taking liquid physic or big or little
pills, that which makes you worse
instead of curing. Cathartics don't
cure—they irritate and weaken the
bowels. CASCARETS make the
bowels strong, tone the muscles so
they crawl and work—when they
do this they are healthy, producing
right results. **
CASCARHTS ioc a box for a weekl
treatment. Ail druggists. Biggest seller
in the world. Million boxes a month.
Nothing to Learn, Simply Shave
NO STROPPING NO HONING
KNOWN THE
WORLD OVER
Coat for Girl from Eight to Ten Years.—A pimple little coat suitable for
/inen, serge or cashmere, is shown here; It is an ordinary sacque shape, fas-
tening with three buttons, below which the fronts slope slightly away; white
embroidered lawn collar and cuffs add a prettiness. Hat of embroider}',
trimmed with colored ribbon taken round the crown and arranged in a rosette
at the side. Material required: 2V£ yards 4G inches wide.
Dress for Girl from Ten to Twelve Years.—Striped or checked zephyr
might be used for this useful style; the skirt, which is slightly gathered on
the hips and back, is trimmed at the foot by a band of zephyr to match
check. The small yoke of embroidery is edged with a shaped piece of
zephyr to which the material part is gathered. Cuffs of zephyr are set to the
puffed sleeves. Materials required: Six yards zephyr 36 inches wide, one-
fourth yard embroidery, one yard plain zephyr.
Dress for Girl from Eight to Ten Years.—For school or seaside wear,
this little dress would be found most useful; our model is in sky blue linen;
the skirt has a box plait down center of front, with other plaits turning
from it; buttons and loops trim the foot of plait; the bodice is arranged to
match and is worn with Peter Pan collar and cuffs. Hat of coarse straw, with blue
ribbon taken round the crown and tied in a bow at the left side. Materials
required: Five yards linen 36 inches wide, eight buttons.
California Fruits
delivered at your home at wholesale prices.
Selected dried and canned fruits, cuts and
raisins, packed In family assortments ready
for use. We sell consumers only. We sava
you money. Write us for prices.
CALIFORNIA FRUIT SUPPLY CO.
Marysvilie, California
tv R j G < £Y'S ^SPEARMINT
—EAftkER'fe
HAIR BALSAM
Clmnao tod beaatifiet tit* Mh
Promote* luxurUnt frovth.
Never Fail* to Bestore Oner
Hair to ita Toothful Qoior.
Com «c*lri di >m a hair
Ford's School
AUSTIN, TEXAS
Prepares especially for the University of Taxaa.
Graduates enter without examination. St a
teachers, all university men. Fifteenth annual
session begins Oct. 1. J. Stanley Ford, B. A*.
M. A_, Prwielpai. 6Ut West Nlnstaeaub I
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The Atlanta News. (Atlanta, Tex.), Vol. 10, No. 5, Ed. 1 Thursday, September 16, 1909, newspaper, September 16, 1909; Atlanta, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth335741/m1/2/: accessed July 4, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Atlanta Public Library.