The Daily Express. (San Antonio, Tex.), Vol. 41, No. 211, Ed. 1 Monday, July 30, 1906 Page: 4 of 10
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THE SAJjJ ANTONIO DAILY EXPRESS: MONDAY MORNING, JULY 30, 1908.
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3?he gailg fispvcs?
Entered at the Postoffice at San Antonio,
Texas, as Second-Class Matter.
TE.EPHONES (Both):
Editorial Room
Business Office
SPECIAL AGENTS AND CORRE-
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Street—JOHN P. SMART, Direct Repre-
■entatlve.
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LIAMS, Rooms 920-7 Colorado Building.
Austin. Tex.—W. D. HORNADAV.
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Agent.
T. P. JONES and W. II. WENi-
WORTH, Traveling Agents.
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POSTAGE RATES:
The postage rates for mailing The Ex-
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16 to 32 pagoe, 2c; 34 to 50 pages. 3c.
POPULATION OF TEXAS CITIES:
The population of the seven largest
cities of Texas on June 1, 1904, as; esti-
mated by the United States Census Bu-
reau. is as follows:
SAN ANTONIO 50,581
Houston 54.468
Dallas 49,678
Galvestcn 32,013
Fort Worth 26.060
Austin 24,143
Waco 23,162
Fake banners and fake rumors did
not materially affect election results.
It seems that Campbell's "hump"
contained enough of the sinews of war
to make him pretty strong.
San Antonio felicitates Del Rio on
the achievement of a worthy ambi-
tion. the establishment of a Federal
Court.
Since Bryan has tabooed the use
of the "barrel," he will be very much
embarassed if Roosevelt steals lhe
rest of his clothes.
L_
It is not strange that the Thaw
attorneys who insist upon the insanity
plea are the ones he discharged. They
have the evidence.
The Democratic primaries afforded
some surprises after the returns were
partially counted, but the greater sur-
prises in ay be yet to come.
The race is not always to the swift
nor the battle to tho strong, but is
sometimes more a matter of good
management than anything else.
The battle of the ballots is ended.
The dead and wounded are being
cared for by sympathetic friends and
the victors are celebrating, ijy it goes.
Williamson County farmers are
scouring tho country for cotton pick-
ers, and it looks as though they would
have to go out of the State. There is
no calamity district, in Texas this
year.
Now comes a German investigation
that proves wholesale adulteration of
foods. Vigorous prosecutions have fol-
lowed. The pure food movement
seems to be gaining in intensity as it
spreads.
The drink check has bfcen called in
by the secret service men, and the
man who saved five cents by taking
this kind of change will have to pony
up fifteen cents for his lonesome
liquid refreshment.
And some there were who went
about yesterday with tongues hang-
ing out and a general expression of
being hopelessly lost in the Desert of
Sahara. Others there were who lo
cated "private reservoirs" and es-
caped the rigors of the long, dry day.
Tlie hoodoo still pursues tho battle-
ship Texas; the vessel has now been
transformed into a sort of naval board-
ing house. It is ignominious for a
ship built to make mincemeat of its
enemies to wind up by serving hash
to its friends.
Prophets of Evil.
It seems to be getting the fashion
nowadays for a certain class of public
men and periodicals to villifv and slan-
der the American people as a whole.
The scandal mongering of the muck-
rakers have furnished an abundance
of texts for wholesale generalizations.
To in ike sweeping and dogmatic state-
ments with an air of important wis-
dem is peculiarly the practice of some
college presidents and a certain kind
of publicists, as well as many omnis-
cient magazine editors. It is distinctly
i impressive, and these pundits are
I nothing if not impressive.
The recent, address of President
Schurniann of Cornell University is
quite typical of the kind of National
libel that has been flung upon our de-
voted heads this year. "To get and to
have," says Schurmann, "is the motto
not. only of the market, but of the altar
and of the hearth."
The Professor has set his jaundiced
eyes upon the shoddy Pittsburg mil-
lionaire and the fast set of Newport,
ignoring the thousands and hundreds
of thousands of humble homes in
America where mutual love and simpla
goodness dwell in peace and happi-
ness. He looks at the fashionable
sham that masquerades in certain sets
as religion and overlooks the humble
and unassuming piety of hundreds of
thousands of simple, religious folk
who live as well as profess their re-
ligion.
"A waning Christianity and a wax-
ing Mammonism are the twiu specters
of our age," groans this apostle of
misery and gloom. Undoubtedly there
have been some bad financial scandals
brought to light in the past eighteen
months which have involved in dis-
grace some highly honored men, but
that is no basis for charging all Ameri-
can business men with being liars and
thieves and scoundrels. Looked at
rightly, indeed, sit means the moral
stamina of the many is sufficiently
strong to rebuke even high-placed
wrong and to insist on needed reforms
at all costs, it is a subject of cou-
gralulation, not of grief, thai Ameri-
can business men acted in these mat-
ters with such vigor and determina
tion and show themselves still resolute
to clean out the evils that have crept
into our rapidly expanding commercial
system. "We are dealing with the
virus of a universal infection," con-
cludes this lugubrious prophet of evil.
His liver is out of order, apparently,
and unquestionably his "lights" are
bad or he would have spared us "this
unwarranted rhetoric of universal
damnation."
It is the testimony of the scientist
as well as the seer that the world is
growing better from year to year. As
between the brief periods of time it is
sometimes hard to measure an appre-
ciable difference in men's morals, btU
between century and century the
change for the better is marked and
most encouraging. If you don't be-
lieve it go back to history and marshal
the significant facts.
And so in the name of common
sense and decency, let us have done
with the cheap pessimism of these
narrow-visioned moralists, who paint
black pictures to bring their own vir-
tues into high relief. The great mass
of men and women have found this a
fairly decent world, filled with reason-
ably kind and honest neighbors, who
are generally willing to share their
abundance and their sympathy and to
put their shoulder to the wheel and
help each other out of boggy places.
sions made upon the stump in the
heat, of political campaigning gener-
ally' have the froth skimmed off be-
fore being translated into actions.
Responsibility is a great soberer.
INor is there, indeed, any reason for
fuenzied politics with the consequent
disturbance of business confidence
and industrial development. To quote
a favorite aphorism of former Lieu-
tenant Governor Browning's, "Don't
disturb the herd; it's putting on fat."
And so Texas is in process of growing
and would suffer much from senseless
agitation of frenzied politics. We
should encourage the coming of out-
side capital and the building of rail-
roads, not out of kindness to the out-
Eide capitalist or the railroads,, but as
a plain matter of self help.
When all is said and done \ve should
not forget that the period of the late
lamented and much eulogized ilogg
was a period when Texas went for-
ward most slowly in all useful devel-
opment. Capital was intimidated and
railroad construction almost came to
a standstill. But now, when the gen-
eral movement of regulation of cor-
porate and industrial enterprises has
progressed almost to the danger line,
there is no reason for reactionary poli-
cies and agitations not necessary to
the common good, but, on the other
hand, likely to be hurtful.
The Express, with an abiding faith
in the honesty and patriotism of the
honorable gentlemen aspiring to be
Governor of Texas, and also in the
good sense of the people of the State,
cioes not believe, in any event, that a
policy of reaction and retrogression
will be inaugurated, but that Texas
will go straight forward under honest
acd efficient Democratic rule to the
splendid destiny of a glorious future.
WHAT STATE PAPERS SAY
It has been the general impression
from the beginning of the campaign in
Texas that the candidate for Governor
of Texas who should be successful in
the Democratic convention would
either be Col. Tom Campbell or the
man who could beat him. It was ww^ll
known that Colonel Campbell's forces
were thoroughly organized and that
he had positive elements of strength
that could be reliably counted on, re-
gardless of campaign literature and
Stump speeches. Bach of the other
candidates also had a strong special
following, but none had an organiza-
tion so compact and so weli managed.
The conservative forces were desirous
of uniting on a candidate who more
nearly represents their views than
Ooes Colonel Campbell, and early in
the campaign it appeared that Judge
Brooks would get that support. It
appears now, however, to have been
divided between three candidates.
How it will be in the State convention
when the delegates have assembled
and the balloting begins cannot be
foretold. It is possible that several
ballots may be necessary to the choice
of a nominee, and the matter of a nom-
ination is in nearly as much doubt
now as before the primaries were held
in the counties which adopted that
method of expressing their choice.
The Outs and the Ins.
It matters not who is going to be
elected Governor of Texas. there are
hundreds of pencils aireudv sharpened to
rip up'his administration, from beginning
to end.—Laredo Times.
There is always a party of tho opposi-
tion in America and some of the "outs"
are always ready to condemn the "ins,"
no matter what the. cause.
♦ ♦ ♦
Bettie's Prosperity.
Bettie seems to be enjoying a season of
prosperity just at present; the lumber
interest are dispensing; from to $10,000
a month in that little town, and it helps
a good deal in keeping the business run-
ning smoothly and well.—Gilmer Mirror.
If Bettie keeps on at tlds rate sin will
soon grow up to be "Elizabeth."
♦ ♦ «
Progressive Uvalde.
The 1'valde Commercial Club has asked
tile business men of that town for $1000
with which to repair one of the leading
roads entering that town, and they will
give it. A town, can frequently find no
more profitable use for money than in
putting it in roads and sometimes big
money is to be made in jumping in and
i ixing these roads and not waiting for
a little inadequate county treasury to
supply the funds.—Cuero Star.
It speaks well for Uvalde that her busi-
ness men are no alive to their own best
interests as to devote a few of the dol-
lars on hand to public improvemi nts that
will yield a harvest of future dollars.
Such a town is sure to go forward and
become a beacon set on a hill to 1
progressive.
TOPICS OF THE TIMES.
The Chicago Chief of Police has
declared that every policeman should
be a gentleman. Still the best of them
are found in very bad company at
times.
The telegraph editors are against
the Czar to a man in his dissolution
of the Duma and order for a new elec-
tion. They liad just begun to get a
slight acquaintance with the old list
of names, and then to be called upon
to tackle a new alphabetical kaleido-
scope is too mucfr.
William E. Curtis reports that Rus-
sia has settled upon shipping its un-
desirable citizens as emigrants to
America. It is to be hoped that tho
American authorities will prevent that
crew of anarchists and troublemakers
from being dumped on tho United
States.
Every voter who took part in the
Democratic primaries assumed a
moral obligation to support the nomi-
nee that was not of his choice with as
much loyalty and earnestness as if his
special preference had been tho win-
ner. and it is assumed that the pledge
v.ill not be violated by those who real-
ize that party organization is depend-
ent upon party loyalty.
The Gubernatorial Primary.
The returns of the Democratic pri-
mary election are not all in yet, but
up to this time Col. Tom Campbell has
a lead over the other candidates,
though it is improbable that he has
anything like a majority of all vo'es
cast.
Although the popularity of Campbell
seems on the face of it to indicate a
recrudescence of radical policies, such
as prevailed in the days of Hogg, yet
■when the situation is analyzed such is
not the case. Colonel Campbell has
the lead largely because he had the
best organization and did the most ex-
tensive campaigning. Furthermore
nioney was spent in his behalf more
freely than in behalf of any other
candidate—and The Express does not
mean to insinuate that any of it was
spent illegitimately. Nevertheless it
is a fact that his campaign was organ-
ized and pushed with a persistency
md on a scale that gave him a marked
advantage over Judge Bell and the
ether candidates.
The end, however, is nof yet, for
the nomination will, after all, have to
be made in the convention. Tho con-
vention will be made up of the best
men in the Democratic party, and it
W hardly likely that nny mistake will
be made.
The Express does not believe that
the next Legislature or the next Gov-
ernor of Texas—even should he bo
Mr. Campbell—will enter upon any
wild or radical legislation. Profes-
Just for a Change.
I'm sort of tired of things that is;
They're laekin' somewhat as to fizz.
There ain't no ginger in life's jar
With things a-goin' as they are.
The fault may be with me, and then,
It may be otherwise again.
I ain't a-trvin' to fix no blame
Because all tastes about the same.
Howe'er it is. T wish it might
Have things turned round a bit some
night.
So that Instead of as they be.
They'd work toward the contrary.
I'd like to see some mauntain rill
Have spunk enough to flow up hill,
So that old Nature might be shown
It had opinions of its own.
I'd like to see the settin' sun
Out in the east when day is done,
Just as a hint, when goin' to bed.
To prove it wasn't bigoted.
I'd like, to hear a bullfrog sing
Like nightingales upon the wing,
Instead of that eternal "clunk"
AVith which lie seeks his swampy bunk.
A cat that barks, a dost that meows,
And when it comes to milkin' cows,
"fwould cheer me up to get a pail
Of lemonade or ginger ale;
And if the bucket in the well
Would give up water for a spell
K
There'd be no kick a-eomin' he:
'Taln't discontent that's vexin' me
With life so everlastin'lv.
But just a sort of pareiiin' thirst
To get a peek at things reversed.
They've been the same so very long
A change would strike me pretty strong,
And, though I'm makiu' no complaint,
For once I'd like 'em as they ain't.
—John Kendrick Bangs, in "In Lighter
Vein" in the August Century.
Of Interest to Women.
Everything is brown; at the resort's,
hotels and in society—brown millinery,
brown gowns, brown gloves, brown
hosiery and brown oxfords—so great has
been the demand for brown that shop-
keepers and milliners have been driven'
almost wild, and shoe dealers can hardly
met t the demands for shoes in all shades
of tan, only the largest stores being equal
to the rush—at the resorts and the sea
shore, promenade and evening wear
shows only tan pumps and oxfords—when
the white is d-parted from—If you want
to be up to date you must wear brown.
The new belts, although created in
Paris, are very Scotch in effect and of
the extreme smartness. Made as they arc
of brilliant plaid silks edged with wide
banks of white kid, and having white
kid buckles, they are very effective with
both dark and light gowns.
Two of Them.
"I don't see how you could enjoy an
argument with hint en that subject You
don't know anything about it."
know, but I discovered that he know
less. —Pliilaaeiphia Ledger.
A Newspaper Birthday.
«iIf ^a«Si twenty-five years ago today that
the Daily Democrat first made its appear-
ance in Sherman. It has weathered the
storms (if newspaperdom, and while it
was a modest bidder for pubic favor at
first fees that it is now in i manner
worthy of the confidence won in this
community during- the long period of its
existence. The Democrat Is here to make
money, to give value received in its
product offered for sale in subscription
ami advertising.— Sherman Democrat.
1 he Democrat is to be congratulated on
passing another milestone in its journey
to greater prosperity and continued suc-
cess. A newspaper, like an individual,
gains dignity and weight with age, and
justifies its existence.
♦ ♦ ♦
The Danger of Minority Rule.
I nder the Terrell law it is extremely
doubtfui if the choice of the people by
popular majority will be chosen by the
Democratic Convention for Governor.
The people want the majority to control,
and any other plan will' eventually
weaken the party that uses it.—Guada-
lupe Gazette.
Unquestionably the true Democratic
principle is for the majority to rule,
but some alleged Democratic leaders in
this State, consulting their own selfish
interests, wish to substitute "plurality"
for "majority" and so by using a minor-
ity gag ride into power against the
wishes of the majority in their own
party. Such a principle if adopted by
the Democratic party in Texas will ul-
timately wreck the party.
♦ ♦ ♦
The Farmer in Politics.
Win. Boening, chairman of the White
Men's I'nion, a substantial farmer of
the Baursville section, wnile here Mon-
day, gave a toothsome and impressive
''object lesson" of what constitutes his
ideal of a patriotic citizen—one who
neglects neither his home duties nor his
public duties. The "lesson" was giv m
at Sheriff Noble's office, the "pupils"
were three newspaper men, several coun-
ty officers and others.
Mr. Boening began by stating that he
and the other farmers who had bem
active in the White Men's Union move-
ment were being criticize 1 in certain
quarters for taking too much stock in
county politics, the idea bein; that ".i
farmer had no business in politics.' He
then proceeded to show that, though
from a high motive lie had taken interest
in county politics, he was able to take
care of his farm at the same time. He
first exhibited a score of largo corn
ears, picked at random from his field,
then he brought forth a crock of prime
butter, a piece of finely cured ham, a
loaf of light bread and several pats of
delicious hand theese( all products of his
household, and invited everybody to help
himself to the appetizing lunch of bread
and butter, cheese and ham. Amid
much laughter and applause the invita-
tion was promptly responded to by all
present and soon there was but little
left of the lunch.— Hallbttsville New
Era.
This object lesson demonstration of the
farmer in politics is a sort of demon-
stration that could be made very popu-
lar. If Mr. Boening cares to start a
free lunch campaign up this way, we
can guarantee that he will have several
hungry editors in his audience, and—as
the reports say—"many others."
Education and Farming.
The man who thinks that an educated
man would not stay on a farm is «i
fool. Some of the best educated most
in Texr.s today are on the farms an*l
are making more money than school
superintendents, lawyers, doctors and
merchants. Education is necessary for
success in any walk of life, and it Is
very essential that every farmer give bis
children as much education as they will
take. It only fits them the better for
making a success on the farm.—Mc-
Gregor Mirror.
More and more the farmer is coming
to see the value of special scientific
training in his particular work. Tin be
a successful farmer requires eduotition
as well as energy. More and mores edu-
cated men are coming to see the inde-
pendence and pleasure in life on ajrfarm.
♦ ♦ ♦
Black-Eyed Peas.
A Cooke County farmer fifteen
acres already planted to black-ejye peas.
If the season continues he wijll make
more per acre than he could oni cotton
and whrn this crop is harvested the
land will be better than wben the peas
were sown. It is not too late to plant
black-eye peas yet. Sow a patch.—
Gainesville, Messenger.
As yet the black-eyed pea has not
been properly appreciated in Southwest
Texas. The people here arc so wedded
to the frijolies that they "have forgot-
ten the rich, fat, mealy bjack-eycd va-
riety that mixed with copn and stewed
tomatoes makes a savory Southern dish
Known from Virginia to iiK>uisiana. Give
the black-eye a trial and»you will never
do without them.
Her Bathing Suit.
It is a scrawny nightmare
That ugliness enwreathes
And yet a thing of beauty
That sweetest music, breathes.
It all depends >jn whether
It's hanging limp and flat
L'pon. the line* or dimpling
Un Muriel'sj anat. ,
—Puck.
A Still Water Campaign.
The Congress campaign may have to
be fought with postage stamps as the
sinews of war. Neither committee ex-
pects to have enough money for legiti-
mate expenses. Contributions are slow,
>>er.v slow, up to the present time. 'Hie
friends of the grand old party and also
the "angels" of the party of Thomas
Jefierson are not going down into their
rockets. A bloodcurdling story of the
.allure of the Hon James M. Griggs to
"t<»uch" tin Monte Cristo of Montana is
told. Senator Clark was cordially in-
vited to make some speeches "for the
good of the party." The Democratic
ebairmaln reasoned that the Senator
would rather sign a cheek than talk.
But he declined to talk and did not send
a check. The blow almost killed Griggs,
who was already in the "dismal dumps"
because rent had been asked in advance
foi the headquarters of his campaign
committee in Washington. In raising
the wind the Hon. James S. Sherman ex-
pects to have no better luck than the
Democratic chairman. The conclusion is
that it will be one of those still waters
run deep campaigns that so vex the souls
of politicians, the people busy at their
working and money making and giving
no sign of how they will vote in Novem-
ber.
But this year of all years It will not do
for the party leaders to take liberties
with the people. They are not in a parti-
san temper, and are going to take the
bit in their teeth. They will pay little
heed to convention resolutions, since
both parties are as virtuous as the devil
when he is siek, but they will take a
great deal of notice of the character of
the men nominated for Congress
Mr. Cannon spoke with characteristic
good sense when he intimated that Con-
! press elections might let the air out of
more than one boom. If the status quo
should be maintained all the old favor-
it's will be limbering up on the Presi-
dential track, but there will be some
prompt withdrawals j.nd doubtless new
entries it the unexpected happens in
pivotal States.—New York Sun.
Ten Years of Southern Trade.
Apropos of the Pan-American confer-
ence the- Federal Bureau of Statistics has
issued a bulletin giving the trade of the
I nited States with the Central and
South American republics. Our com-
merce with the four chief nations may
be compared with that of ten years ago:
Trade with Cuba, 1896—Exports, $7,<<*).-
(»<0; Imports, $40,000,000. 1906—Exports,
$13,000,000; imports, $05,000,000.
Trade with Mexico, 1896— Ex ports, $18,-
OOe.fOO; imports, $17,000,000. 1906— Exports,
$fn\0CO,000; imports. $82,000,000.
Trade with Bravil, 1896—Exports, $11,
000,000; Imports, $71,000,000. 1906—Exports,
$14,000,000; imports, $96,000,000.
Trade with Argentina, 1896—Exports,
$5,000,000; Imports. $9,000,000. 1906--Exports
$27,000,000; imports, $lr>,000.000.
The great excess of imports from Cuba
and Brazil is in sugar and coffee. We
sell Cuba almost half of all her pur-
chases. Mexico more than half of hers
but to Brazil we sell e>nly one-ninth of
hei purchases, and only one-seventh of
Argentina's imports are American.
Our sales to Cuba have been nearly
multiplied by six in ten years, our sales
to Mexico have trebled, to Argentina
they have grown five-fold.
Little Cuba Is our best customer in the
group except Mexico. One Cuban buys
a.; much American product as seventy-
five Bolivians. We get 71 per cent of
Cuba's total commerce, and of the total
Central and South American commerce
cidy 31 per cent. The proportion might
be increased.—New York World.
Docile John.
John D. Rockefeller has spoiled a good
game His attorney has entered Mr.
Rockefeller's appearance in the criminal
case brought in Ohio charging violations
of the anti-trust laws of that State,
end now the order will have te> issue to
kill all the odes and epodes which were
to havr celebrated h^s diffidence and
bashful taciturnity in the face of a
criminal warrant. Alack, John! thus to
do te> eleath so much good copy.
Time is having its mellowing influence
on Mr. Rockefeller. He begins to shed
the crust e>f habit, to grow voluble. With-
in the last few weeks has come the. in-
formation that he has written an ac-
count of his visit to Compiegne, and
that he contemplates writing a book.
But these are small matters compared
with his response to the grrxftccuting at-
torney's behest. Mr. Rockefeller lays
himself open for Investigation. May he
not go on the stand himself and take
the world into his confidence? Some
historian who can eloquently preach the
distinctions between primary and Sec-
ondary authorities should go and tell
Mr. Rockefeller that he himself is infin-
itely preferable to any book lie might
write. If he would only soldier it up
to the witness stand and submit to ex-
amination. direct, cross, anel criss-cross,
he would show himself to be one of the
greatest "original documents" of the
timei.—'New York Globe.
False Pretenses, as Usual.
There is no room to doubt that the
Republicans feel very nervous about tho
result of the Congressional elections, and
they are eager to lay hold of some issue
or which they can fairly hope to win.
Regarding the President as the most
popular man In his party, they are dif-
fusing the idea that the election of a
Democratic House would be a serious
blow to President Roosevelt. In view
of the fact that his most prominent
measures received their best support
from the Democrats, this plea is false
and hypocritical; but it now seems to
be thr best that the leaders can ele-
vise. It is well known, too, that many
o; these leaders are already very tireel
of Mr. Roosevelt, and willing to thwart
his designs whenever they dare.
Another false pretense is that the cor-
porations are not going to give anything
to the Republicans, so an appeal is made
to the seven or eight millions of the rank
anel file te> contribute a dollar each. In
this way It is hoped that three or four
millions may be collected to buy votes.
When these contributions are all in. the
corporations that favor the Republicans
will supplement them with large dona-
tions, and a great corruption fund will
thereby be created. Those who hnag'ne
that the Republicans will make this
fight without money will find themselves
badly disappointed.—Louisville Courier-
Journal.
Burglar Proof.
Having one of these locks, 96,000,000
years is the time given to unlock a safe
which is fastened with the wonderful new
lock invented in Jamaica. The combina-
tion consists of four sets of twenty-four
letters of the alphabet, which can be
set to a sentence in most -modern lan-
guages. When one letter is used in one
alphabet, and another in a second '-et,
anel so on. it becomes a most compli-
cated matter. Then there is the initial
problem of which language it has b>en
keyed in, to be solved by the man that
attempts to open the safe Furthermore,
instead of letters the inventar. one Neu-
man Tobias, has employed four s >n c f
numerals. Assuming that the lock has
be en set to a figure in the number of
3,030,303,030,303,030, it would take anyone
who undertook to unlock the safe !)•»,« 90,-
278 years 269 days 30 minutes 30 sec-
onds. working at the rate of 60 numbers
a minute, to arrive at the proper com-
bination. During thfcs time he would
have no time for food and slevjp. -
Stk Louis Post-Dispntch.
Baled Hay.
It is estimated that if nine-tenths of
all the American magazine stories anel
ninety-nine hundredths of all the Ameri-
can novels produced during the past five
years were piled up together they would
make a stacK of printed matter as high
as the grand stand at the Fort Worth
ball park and wo miles long—and would
be worth considerably less than the same
»l' k,l0c!.good'- scusnnad alfalfa.—Fort
Worth Star.
CLEVER ANECDOTES.
A Joke, Not a Boast.
"At Pont-Aven, in Brittany," said a
New York painter, "I met Mortimer
Menpes, who is c hiefly famous for his
friendship with Whistler.
"The hotel at Pont-Aven Is a museum
of superbly carved antique Breton
chests, armoires and <ios« t-beds, and a
gallery of superb paintings that were
presented to the proprietress by Alex-
ander Harrison, Penl'old, Pauline Palmer
and othefr noted artists.
"In the saloon of the hotel, I heard
Menpes talk one day of Wilis: Ic r.
" * Whistler,' Menpes said, 'was n- t ;•
conceited man. He was a joker. As
jc>kes, not as serious speeches, mo.\t < i
his remarks were to be taken.
"Thus a lady said one day to Whist-
ler:
" 'Do you think. Mr. Whistler, that
genius is hereditary?'
"'1 can't tell you, madam.' Whistler
replied. 'Heaven has granted me no off-
spring.' "
Magic Words.
Howard Gould was praising the Lon-
don cab service.
"What is more convenient and de-
lightful," he said, "than the English
sj stem, whereby you get a hansom any-
where by holding up your finger, and
are whisked smoothly, at the fastest
trot, north, south, east or west, for a
shilling or two?
"But the London hansom goes more
liv-
ely,
hat
to
you,
ODD TALES OF THE TOWN
slowly if you take it by the hour
times the driver will tell you
P' you engage him by the h
this cheaper rate only entitles
'walkln' pice.' If he doesn't te
you soon find it out for yourself.
"And hence arose a story that Owen
Seaman told at a Hunch dinner. It
was a story about runaways. A police-
man who had stopped a runaway dray
horse was highly praised, when a gen-
tleman said with a sneer;
" 'Oh. the fellow did nothing to boast
of. I have stopped a dozen runaway
cab anel hansom horses myself.'
" 'Really?' said the others. 'What
method do you employ?'
" i simply stand on the edg of the
sidewalk, and, as the horse tears by, I
shout, "By the hour!" Immediately the
animal's mad gallop changes to a
crawl.' "
A Test That Failed.
"A stupid class of employers," said
W. S. Gifford, secretary of the Fed-
erated Charities of Baltimore, "have a
way of testing the honesty ot new serv-
ants and clerks by leaving money about.
They don't realize, so profound Is their
stupidity, that they are putting great
temptation in the way of their employ-
ees by these tests. They can't possibly
understand that, when the employees
trip up, it is their fault, because they
were the ones who set out the stumbling
block.
"Hence I am glad when one* of these
narrow and stupid employee-testers g«Jts
the worst of the test. My heart still
rejoices over a happening that 1 heard
of yesterday.
"A lawyer had engaged a new office
boy. To test the boy's honesty, he put
a twenty-dollar note under the electric
fan on his desk, letting the end pro-
trude, and then he went out to lunch.
"On his return, a couple of hours
later, the note was gone. A silver quar-
ter occupied its place.
"Pale with rage and horror, the law-
yer called the new boy to him.
" 'Look here,' he shouted, 'when I went
out I left twenty dollars under this fan.
Now there's only a quarter there. How
do you explain it?'
"The boy smiled brightly.
" Why, sir.' he said, 'just after you
left a. * gentleman called with a wine
and cigar bill that he said lie knew
you were dying to pay, because it had
bet n standing for four years. So I set-
tled it with the twenty-dollar note under
the fan. It was nineteen seventy-tlve.
Here's the receipt, sir.' "
Mark Twain on Babies.
Mark Twain at a dinner, replying to
a toast to "The Babies," said:
"We have not all had the good for-
tune to be ladies. We have not all been
generals, or poets, or statesmen; but
when the toast works down to 'The
Babies,' we stand on common ground,
for we have all been babies.
"If you go back 50 or 100 years, to
your early married life, anel reeontem-
plate your first baby, you will remember
that he amounted to a good deal, and
even something over. He took entire
command. When he called for sooth-
ing syrup, did you venture to throw
out any side remarks about certain ser-
vices being unbecoming tei an officer
and a gentleman? No. You got up and
got it. When he ordered his pap-bottle,
anel it was not warm, did you talk
back? No. Not you. You went to work
and warmed it. You even descended so
far in your menial office as to take a
siick at that warm, insipid stuff just
te> see if it was right—three parts warm
water to one of milk, a touch of sugar
to modify the colic, and a drop of pep-
permint to kill those immortal hic-
coughs. 1 can taste that stuff."
Too Short for Romeo.
"It is a great misfortune to a serious
actor to be short," said James K. 1 Pick-
et t. "A short man must have a shorter
leading lady, or if lie waives that priv-
ilege, he must, in his scenes with her,
see to it that, when the pair draw near
ono another, she sits, or leans on a
table, or kneels on an ottoman, while
he stands very erect in his high-heeled
shoes, thus creating the illusion that
he is rathe-r tall.
"But, with all that, a snort actor is
always at a disadvantage.
"I once knew an excellent tragedian
of five feet four who dared to play
Romeo with a Juliet of six feet.
"In a Western town, one night, Romeo,
as usual, sighed:
" '1 would I were a glove upon that
hand!'
"A shrill voice called from the gal-
lery:
" 'Ye wouldn't fit. Yer too small.' "
In Praise of Tramps.
Jack Ixmdon, the brilliant novelist,
was praising the tramp.
"Many a tramp," lie said, "is more
intelligent and honorable, and has a hap-
pier life, than the average rich man.
Tramps are renowne>d the world over,
toe>, for their humor.
i once knew a tramp named Boston
Jack. It is. said that Boston Jack
knocked on the back de>or of a farm
house one July afternoon, and asked
for assistance.
"The farmer's wife said sharply to
him:
" 'Why don't you go to work? Don't
you know that a rolling stone gathers
no moss?' "
" 'Madam,' said Boston Jack, 'without
evading your question, may 1 ask of
what practical utility moss would be
to a man in my condition?' "
Lucky.
First Fish: A fisherman caught me a
while ago and landed me in tho bottom
of a boat. It was like being in jail.
Second Fish: How did you manage to
escape?
First Fish: The boat began to leak and
some one bailed me out.—Detroit Free
Press.
Nonsense! Neither Bites.
Prof. W. D. filler, in his lecture at
Middletown, Conn., says the; bite of a
pretty girl will "often bring a quicker
and more horrible death than the bite of
a. serpent." How about the bite of an
ugly girl?—Kansas City Post.
Deer Develop Human Instinct.
According an - Albany dispatch the
deer In the Ad.. .lUaeks region have de-
veloped a grudge against the automobiles,
one of which was recently assailed by a
vicious buck and lost a tire.—Brooklyn
Times.
When Judge Theodore- Brentano, Chief
Justice of the Superior Court, goes on
his vacation the word "fishing" will be
strictly tabooed. Any one who begins to
tell the Jurist the story of his piscatorial
victories will receive only a look of
mingled pit;.* and scorn. Last week Judge
Brentano act "pteel an invitation to fish
in Wisconsin.
"\Ve won't even consider fish weighing
under six pounds," he was told. "Y<>u
don t have to. The big ones simply fight
to get on your hook.
"All right. I'll go." said the Judge, and
after promising; "Billy" Hamilton and
» Weber, his court attaches, some
of the "catch" lie left for Wisconsin.
Three days later he returned with a fine
coat, ol tan but no fish.
"How many big ones did you get,
Judge?" asked Hamilton. "What was the
largest one that you got and how large
was the one that got away?"
"If you meet a man who tells you
£ bout the good fishing he has had just
walk away from him," replied the Judge.
"If a witness in a case tells you about
l is fishing trips discount every word of
testimony which he gave. A fisherman
promises more and gives less to his
friends than any either person on earth.
And they always have excuses for their
failures. Take the man who is so ex-
pert that he says he won't trouble him-
5-elf with trout or bass, but wants to get
'muskies.' You go out witlj him and
spend half a day without a bite. Then
he avers that it is too cloudy where you
are and advises going out in the sun-
shin'. You go and still no bites*' Then
he says it is too dry and you nnust wait
for rain. You do and still no bite:*. Then
it is the flies you are using. Tpiey are
wrong. You change them, but7without
any better results, When you came back
to town this same fisherman will get an-
other man in the corner and tell him
about the good fishing and induce him
to go to the same place."
"1 want to give a bit of advice," said
the suburbanite to his friend. "If you
are thinking of buying a elo'g wait until
it N full grown or you are likely to meet
with a disappointment. Last year I de-
cided to buy a canine to act as the
family protector and a playmate for my
children. One day I met a man on tho
street carrying a basket o-f pups and
with the air of an expxert I stopped to
examine them. They were little woolly
cr<>aturcs not more than 6 weeks olel,
but the man explained that they were
Newfoundlanel pups and would make the
best kind of watch dogs.
"1 took his word for it and brought one
of the pups home with me. Well, that
etc»g positively refused to grow and turned
out to be a timid little lap dog of tho
r«;odle variety. The next time I went to
buy a dog I passed up the woolly kind
and bought a furious-looking little ani-
v al guaranteed to be a pointer. This
one proved a worse disappointment than
the first and I discovered some niopths
later that he was one of those freak
Oachsunds. When I try again I shall in-
sist that my dog is full grown."
"Tramping through the country may bo
v*ry well for a Nation like the English,
who can find amusement in a game of
cricket," said the comfortable-looking
man with the large black cigar, "but the
train is good enough for mo. Only onco
ir my life did I ever take a long walk
and I don't think I'll fe>rget it in a hurry.
It was in Nova Scotia a couple of win-
ters ago. I was traveling freim Halifax
to Toronto and the train that I was in
had been delayed one night by a wreck
ahead of it for a ceiuple of hours. We
wtre in the middle of a big forest. Most
of us began to stretch our legs by taking
a stroll along the |racks, which were
elevated at this place, with a steep frozen
snowdrift on either side. There was a
young pine trunk lying alongside the
tracks stripped of its branches, and to
keep up our circulation we commenced
t^» throw that piece of pine—tossing tho
caber I believe they call it in Scotland. I
n-ade a throw and the log went rolling
clown the snowdrift. None of us cared
to go after it, as we were afraid that tho
snow would not hold, but at last I ven-
tured. I got about halfway 'down when
tlu crust gave way ami in I went up to
my waist. 1 was stuck, couldn't budge
and there was not a thing I could get a
purchase on. I tugged and strained, al-
most dislocating my ankle, but all my ef-
fects only sank me deeper.
"Just then the whistle blew for all pas-
s» ngers to get aboard and the train
moved off anel left me there. The ne*xt
five minutes were the most strenuous I
ever put in. At last I managed to get
be.Id of the wretched pole, the cause of
my trouble, and using it as a support
succeeded in dragging myself free. It
was about 1 o'clock in the morning and
bitterly cold. All around me was that
forest, while in the distance 1 could hear
the wolves howling In a manner that
made my blood run cold. I limped down
the track with a wrenched ankle and ex-
pecting every minxite to see a few score
of hungry wolves. About 8 o'clock in the
morning I staggered into a railway sta-
tion, the first sign of human habitation
I had siren, and to cap the climax the sta-
tion master was going to arrest me as an
escaped lunatic or criminal."
When Dr. and Mrs. W. R. Livingston
were numbered among the residents of
MaywoOd it was a peculiarity of the
household that every servant girl or
maid whom they employed would fall a
victim to Cupid's darts. This occurred
four times within a year.
Then the doctor and his family moved
to California about four months ago,
thinking that they might have better
luck in keeping help. But the young
women around Oxnard, the present home
of the Livingstons, have an abhorrence
of domestic work and so the doctor sent
to May wood f<^r help. Miss Jennie
Jcscke of Melrose Park responded and
went West just six weeks ago. Yester-
day's mail brought the news that Miss
Jcscke was engaged to be married to
Paul Maumann, a wealthy young ranch-
man of Oxnard. The wedding will take
place July 31 at the home- of the doctor.
By the way of mention the doctor is
helping with the family work in addition
to visiting patients. He declares that he
is through with the servant girl problem.
The young man seemed in a hurry as
he entered the restaurant.
"Here, waiter," he exclaimed, clapping
his hands.
The waiter jumped at the command.
"I want a table prepared for five. And.
mind you, the linen must be fresh. I'll
sit down and wait until the other mem-
bers of the party arrive."
"Your order?" queried the man in the
jacke t of black. _ .
"Will be given when they come. But
wait. You might bring the bread and,
say. let me have a cup of coffee.
They were brought, and the lone guest
began to munch on the bread.
"Oh. waiter." he exclaimed, 'do you
see a girl in pink?" .
"Not in sight," was the waiters reply,
"Hurry me a salad. I'll eat it while J
It was set before him. Fifteen minutea
''••Waiter! See if the girl in pink ia
coming." , .
"Don't see her," answered the servant.
Another quarter of an hour elapsed.
The man stepped to the entrance.
"Hold the table for a minute, please,
T want to see whether the members ol
my party are coming."
There was a smile upon his face as ha
disappeared in thev- darkness. He was
laughing at the chagrin of the waitei
when he realized he had been bunkoed.
He was also pleased at the invention
that brought him a meal when he waa
without funds.—Chicago Chronicle.
—
Pushed Them Out.
"Every man should stick to his Job,"
said John D. Rockefeller just before Iiq
sailed for Europe. A good many people
claim that they would have been glad tc
stick to theirs if John D. handn't pushed
them out.—Chicago Record-Herald.
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The Daily Express. (San Antonio, Tex.), Vol. 41, No. 211, Ed. 1 Monday, July 30, 1906, newspaper, July 30, 1906; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth441147/m1/4/: accessed June 30, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Abilene Library Consortium.