The Rice Thresher, Vol. 93, No. 14, Ed. 1 Friday, December 2, 2005 Page: 20 of 20
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20
THE RICE THRESHER BACKPAQE FRIDAY. DECEMBER 2,2005
Who should replace Hatfield as football coach?
A philosophy professor preps the team before a game
Ancient Philosophy Professors
For those who feel that Rice football as a whole is
utterly pointless, rather than urge dropping to Division
III, you should endorse the philosophy department
as our new football coaches. With ancient philosophy
professors, players will learn to care for their soul and
morals, not money, reputation or even body, as they sit
on the sidelines and recognize how little they actually
know about football. Indeed, recognition of what one
does not know is a mark of true wisdom.
While Socrates' teachings may not inspire the team
to do its best, they allow for a completely new field
of play. Fans can watch the football team question
their opponents' lives, using logic to lead them into a
state of aporea. While the opposing team stomps off
in anger and confusion, our players will simply carry
the ball into the end zone and win the game with no
resistance as the toga-clad cheerleaders root along
the sidelines. Not that any of it matters anyway.
John Ashcroft
Rice is known for being a very
a apolitical campus, but with
former Attorney General John
Ashcroft out of a job, he could
head up our football team. We can
use politics to our advantage.
With Ashcroft leading the
Owls, they'll be able to secretly
access computer files and library
records and commit unwar-
ranted searches of opponents
and use the secretly and no
longer illegally obtained infor-
mation to blackmail any team
into forfeiting.
Plus, any team that hates us
hates America and thus is a ter-
rorist. It would be pretty hard
for UT to beat us by 40 points if
all their players are held in jail
without access to a lawyer. How's
that for homeland security?
With Ashcroft coaching the
team, football game attendance
will be at an all-time high, with
non-attendees forced to go to
Football Re-education Class at
black sites in Eastern Europe.
Sure, we may give up a few
freedoms, but we'll do anything
for Rice to win a game.
Besides, who can resist cheer-
leaders with blond hair over
otherwise empty heads, like Ann
Coulter? So let the eagle soar!
Hire Fatfield:
Recently, you may have noticed students and alumni at
football games wearing "Hire Fatfield" shirts. It turned out
these were not a play on the 'Tuck Fexas" shirts, but in fact
a call to hire famed football coach Zebediah Fatfield.
While some coaches try to create a quick and nimble team
to outmaneuver opponents, Fatfield takesadifferentapproach.
Fatfield will bulk up our players to overwhelm opposing teams.
With so many obese people these days, huge players just follow
an all-American trend, and if you hate America, you must be a
terrorist. Zebediah Fatffield's fat plan is flawless.
Of course our new big, beautiful cheerleaders may turn
off fans at first. But hey, you know you want some fatty, fatty
boombalaty — all night long!
Zombie John W. Heisman
Did you know John W. Heisman, of Heisman Trophy renown, used to coach football at
Rice? It's true! Did you also know that he has been deau ince 1936? But time is no match for
our Nanotubefacilitated zombification system. With a couple sprinkles of goat's blood and a
pentagram made out of salt Heisman will be up and ready to coach our team to victory. With
Rice's great supply of brains—sweet, delicious brains—Heisman will love coaching here. Sure,
Zombie Heisman eat brains, but Zombie Heisman will not swallow Rice's losing record.
He may be a little out of touch given the addition of the forward pass, non-leather helmets
and non-WASP players since 1936. But we're sure Zombie Heisman has the moxie to make
Rice football the bees' knees.
Plus, our zombie flapper girl cheerleaders will have you saying gee-wilikers until the
cows come home, or until they tear youi flesh and curse you to walk the earth as an empty
shell of a being. 53 skidoo!
Velociraptor
Try to imagine yourself in
Rice Stadium. You get your
first look at this "six foot
turkey" as you enter the field.
He moves like a bird, lightly,
bobbing his head. And you
keep still because you think
maybe his visual acuity is
based on movement like T-
Rex, so he'll lose you if you
don't move. But no, not the
Rice football coach. You stare
at him, and he just stares right
back. And that's when the
attack comes. Not from the
front, but from the side, from
the two assistant coaches you
didn't even know were there.
Because the Rice football
coach is a pack hunter, you
see, he uses coordinated
"HP
Roboraptof
THislovwble
and moedy dwKKotx
tomr, to lite with
ntiifkial mtt&gcme
371 long.
(SOTS) 7041H J
attack patterns and he is out
in force today. And he slashes
at you with this ... a six-inch
retractable claw, like a razor,
on the middle toe. He doesn't
bother to bite your jugular
like a lion, say ... no, no. He
slashes at you here ... or
here ... or maybe across the
belly, spilling your intestines.
The point is ... you are alive
when they start to beat you.
So, you know ... try to show
a little respect.
And with the influence
of Raptor coach, larger
cheerleaders will assert
dominance over any other
females who threaten their
power in the pack. And you
know you want women who
play rough.
Really, Really Gay Guy
Watch your Rice football
team go from flop to fabulous
as Really, Really Gay Guy
becomes our new coach.
Sure, in the past, Hatfield
made some very insulting
comments about gay people,
which damaged the football
team's reputation on campus
for years to come. Now is out-
chance to make up for it!
To make up for extremity
of Hatfield's comments, the
new coach will have to be
really gay. Really, really ri-
diculously, flamboyantly gay.
So gay wc don't even have to
make any jokes about football
terms, and you know there are
a lot of the . >ui to mention
the ubiquitous ass-slaps.
Yup, those jokes are en-
tirely unnecessary as Really,
p'>a1lv r,av Guy will use psy-
chologic. ..u. Tare to defeat
opponents. If other players
think our team is gay, they
will be afraid to tackle our
team for fear of being called
gay themselves. As our oppo-
nents cower in homophobia,
our team can skip its way into
the end zone.
While our new coach may
attract some whiny middle-
aged women with men trou-
bles as our cheerleaders, he'll
make sure they have the best
pseudo-fashion styles straight
from the resale shops on
Westheimer Road. Super!
Editor's note: If you buy me that Roboraptor for Hanukkah I will let you do a Backpage.
President Ijeebron
For those of you who heard Hatfield's 25 minutes of consecutive thank-yous at his farewell
press conference, you may h ive noticed one name conspicuously missing: Leebron's.
Hatfield left him out on pi-">ose because Leebron's football coaching skills go far above
and beyond Hatfield's abilities, leaving Hatfield feeling threatened.
Only Leebron has the pure chutzpah to lead our football team to victory.
Plus, you know you want to see Forman and l^evy in cheerleader uniforms.
CLASSIFIEDS
classifieds@rice.edu
(713) 348-3974
HELP WANTED
BARTENDERS WANTED! $250 per
day potential. No experience necessary.
Training provided. Age 18+ OK (800)
965-6520 ext. 289.
TWO ADORABLE CHILDREN look-
ing for a kid-friendly and fun-loving
Rice student to be a Mother's helper,
providing babysitting and transporta-
tion to afternoon activities. $12/hr.
Contact kathy.weleh@tpi.net
FwftL?s puil
THE MANAGEMENT AND STAFF OF WILLY'S PUB WOULD LIKE TO THANK
THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE FOR THEIR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTIONS THAT
ALLOWED FOR THE PUB TO BE SAVED
Ricky Bustamante
Daniel Holman
Logan Gre«r
Sofia Linarte
Jen W esse!
Kristian Lum
Gillie Serby
Martel Girls
J. Rod
The Ultimate Frisbee Team
NEEDED: MATH TEACHER for 4th-
12th grade students. Want someone
familiar with Number Sense and Math-
Counts math programs. Also, want
someone who can use chess to teach
math skills. Good teaching skills re-
quired. Needed from 01/07/2006 to
05/14/2006 on Saturdays or Sundays.
Good pay. Call 281-300-6054.
LIVE-IN FEMALE house-sitter,
flexible hours, up to $875/mo plus car.
713-647-0501, Memorial/Galleria area.
GIRLS IACROSSE COACHES need-
ed for Lanier Middle School Lacrosse
team. For details, contactTerri at 713-
480-1101 or ktlh2@houston.rr.com
NEED: MOTHER'S HELPER for chil-
dren (ages 9,10, and 12) for transport
to activites, childcare and homework
help four or five afternoons a week,
inside the Ixtop not far from Rice.
You will need references and reliable
transportation. Contact Laura at
713-524-3344 (Daytime)
WATER SAFETY INSTRUCTOR and
lifeguards needed for small private
school for summer 2006. Good pay,
good hours, low ratios. Must enjoy
children ages 3-12. Please call
(713) 520-0738, ask for Tara.
FIND OUT WHY it's more fun in the
Ra! Energetic, upbeat sushi concept
opening early February at Highland
Village, hiring for managers, bartend-
ers, servers, hosts, bussers, kitchen,
and sushi chefs. Check us out and
fill out an application at www.rashusi.
com or send resumes and questions to
houstonappticatinns"'rasushi.com.
BIZW1ZNLEDED. Non Profit Power,
a charity driven energy brokerage,
needs help in refining our business
plan. Income Potential: thousands of
dollars and equity. Please call Chris
Hixson at 800-959-3231 for details.
www.nonprofitpower.org
DRIVER WITH CAR wanted. Call 713-
218-0645.
HOUSING
MUSEUM DISTRICT. GRAD stu-
dents- don't live in the lab. One
bedroom apartment in small, quiet
building at 4001 Greeley. Hardwood
floors, lots of closet space, window unit
air. on site laundry. $525 with lease and
deposit. Andover (713) 524-3344.
MUSEUM DISTRICT. GRAD
students- don't live in the lab. One
bedroom apartment in renovated 60's
builing at 1301 Richmond. Central
air, hardwood floors, off-street park-
ing. Bike to rice. $550 with lease and
deposit. Andover (713) 524-3344.
ROOM FOR RENT for Rice Gradu-
ate student at nearby condominium;
$650 per month, all bills paid. Con-
tact Teddy Petrou (832) 877-3611:
Petrou@rice.edu. or call Steve
Petrou 832-859-1216
ROOMMATE WANTED. NEW
condo, privet bathroom, off-street
parking, washer/dryer, full-kitchen.
Want a non-smoking, quiet, mature
student. All utitilties paid! $425 a
month. Call 281-386-8379
MISCELLANEOUS
PICK UP YOUR YEARBOOK. The
2004-'05 Campanile has arrived. If you
were an undergrad during the 2004-
'05 academic year, you've already paid
for it! Drop by the Campanile office
or the Clubs office, 2nd floor, D»y
Student Center. Previous editions are
also available.
GOT 90 HOURS? Then you can order
your class ring anytime at the campus
store. $50 deposit. 8-12 weeks for
delivery.
CLASSIFIED ADS
Rates aie as follows:
1-35 words: $15
36-70 words: $30
71-105 words: $45
Cash, check or credit card pay-
ment must accompany your ad.
Deadline is Monday at 5 p.m.
prior to Friday publication.
The Rice Thresher
Attn: Classifieds
6100 Main St.. MS-524
Houston, TX 77005-1892
Phone: (713) 348-3974
Fax: (713) 348-5238
The Thresher reserves the right
to refuse any advertising for
any reason and does not take
responsibility for the factual
content of any ad.
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Obermeyer, Amber. The Rice Thresher, Vol. 93, No. 14, Ed. 1 Friday, December 2, 2005, newspaper, December 2, 2005; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth443095/m1/20/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.