The Rice Thresher, Vol. 93, No. 9, Ed. 1 Friday, October 21, 2005 Page: 20 of 20
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3 v*vv
THE RICE THRESHER BACKPAGE FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21,2005
WARRANT ISSUED FOR TOM DELAY'S ARREST
Former House Majority Leader has now lost all but three points on Rice purity test
On Wednesday afternoon, a
Travis County courthouse issued
a warrant for the arrest of former
House Majority Leader Tom
DeLay (R-Tex.). This trip
to jail following the
investigation of a
corporate dona-
tion tunneling
scheme al-
lowed De-
Lay to cross
point 97 off
his Rice
purity test,
adding a
silver lin-
ing to an
otherwise
cloudy day
for this local
representa-
tive.
"Tommy
was a little glum,
with that unflatter
ing mugshot
and all," De-
Lay attor-
ney Dick
DeGuerin
said. "But
afteritsunk
in, he gave
me a wink
and whis-
pered with
a chuckle,
'Hey Dicky,
DeLay suffers from
passion cramps -
another purity point.
only three points left.'"
DeLay's former occupation as
an animal exterminator led him to
lose some of the more
elusive purity points.
For example, in one
situation involving
close contact with
various powerful
chemicals and
compromis-
ing positions
with desper-
ate vermin,
DeLay trav-
eled back
in time
and had
sex with a
Velociraptor.
However,
DeLay's purity
score can be some
what misleading
because, as a
member of the
U.S. House
of Repre-
sentatives,
he plays
by "House
Rules."
For ex-
ample, un-
scrupulous-
ly accepting
donations
from auto
industry
HE WANTS SEX/WITHOUT DELAY
19i ODBH h STRIPPED—
20. HEAD A POnHOGrtAPHIC BOOK On MAGABIHE
21. 0PDM A POMIQCRAPHIC MOVIE
22. COMMITTED AN ACT OF VOYEURISM
33. HAP AN ALCOHOLIC PRIMF
24. BEEH PKUHK
addiction
H»le m V«ran*s>vrtr
lr«M
35» UGED ALCOHOL TO LOWER A HOG'S nECIGTAHCD TO OPiiUAL ACTIVITY
ilGTAHCE m
WfcWi)
-gfrr-sttorFn rnnftccf)
37. SMOKED MAnWUANA OR HA3HI5H- -aIIUJA-
20. UGHD A OTROHGDR DRUG—— POWhF '' ^"0 Lo»*£
29. BEEH ARRESTEP
DeLay crosses out his 97th purity point on his personal copy of the purity test.
lobbyists counts as "having sex in a
car" and proposing legislation to sell
pristine federal lands counts as "having
sex outdoors."
Nevertheless, DeLay's pre-
iMwrence v. Texas history of anal
play is supposedly the dirtiest on
Capitol Hill.
"I remember this one time me
and Tommy were huffing some-
thing fucked up out of his old ex-
terminator stash," Texas Governor
Rick Perry said. "He was rolling a
J from redictricting legislation and
snorting coke using 100 dollar bills
donated from corporations, which
he illegally diverted from national
fundraising campaigns to state
campaigns. I was about to tell him
that using corporate funds in Texas
elections is illegal, when he com-
plimented my hair. Well, he knew
what buttons to push because that
night I said 'hasta la vista, mofo' to
quite a few purity points."
However, despite his impure
lifestyle, DeLay has yet to purchase
contraceptives at a drug store,
arrange an abortion or fall in love.
Sources close to DeLay admit
that he is not likely to lose these
last three purity points, as he is
adamantly against contraceptives
and abortion due to his strong
pro-life stance. Also, he is incapable
of love.
"Unless Mr. DeLay sacrifices his
truthful ideas about the right to life
and develops a politically selfless
empathy for his fellow man," Focus
on the Family director James Dob-
son said, "He will never lose those
last purity points and will never
reach that elusive zero."
Delay has still yet to
purchase contraceptives at a
drug store, arrange an
abortion or fall in love.
Sources close to DeLay admit
he is not likely to lose these
last three purity points, as he
is adamantly against con-
traceptives and abortion due
to his strong pro-life stance.
Also, he is incapable of love.
■
CLASSIFIEDS
classifieds@rice.edu
(713) 348-3974
HELP WANTED
NEED TRUSTWORTHY animal lover to
sit for my dog Sunday night until Thurs-
day night until end of December. Need
the sitter to walk Angus in the morning
and evenings. Galleria area. Contact
tsears@kpmg.com or (713) 4804522.
NEEDED: MOTHER'S HELPER
for children (ages 9, 10 and 12) for
transport to activities, childcare and
homework help four to five after-
noons a week. Inside the Loop not far
from Rice. You will need references
and reliable transportation. $12 per
hour, contact I^ura at (713) 524-3344
(daytime).
EARN EXTRA MONEY working on
your own time. English major (s), gradu-
ate student (s) or other Rice student (s)
needed to help with manuscript revi-
sions. Call (713)927-5267.
SATURDAY NIGHT babysitter.
Galleria area family with two young
children looking for friendly, loving
Sat. night/weekend hours babysitter.
References and experience required.
(713) 627-1680.
BABYSITTER WANTED: Neighbor-
hood family seeking babysitter to call
for occasional evenings out. We have
two children, ages 6 and 4, and we
live four blocks from campus. Refer-
ences required; please call Louisa,
(713) 522-2011.
PART-TIME POSITION in medical/
dental office; flexible hours, Greenway
Plaza. Call (713) 439-7575.
BARTENDERS WANTED! $250 per
day potential. No experience neces-
sary. Training provided. Age 18+OK.
(800) 965-6520 ext. 289.
WILLY'S PUB
Est. 1975
Happenings at the PUB for the week of 10/24/05
Monday 10/24
Tuesday 10/25
Wednesday 10/26
Thursday 10/27
Open Mic Night!
hosted by Jordan Allen
SID RICH Pub Night
bring your rice ID to get in!
TRIVIA NIGHT!!!
Trivia Competition 11pm -midnight
COUNTRY WESTERN PUB NIGHT
Wear country western gear and get in free!
I
Don't go home hungry I!
PEAT PIZZA, SUBS, & BAR FOOD
We are open 4tll 1am Mondays and
til 2am Tuesday - Thursday
PART-TIME NAN NY to work Mon.-Fri.
12:30-6:30 p.m. and some Sat. nights.
Requires reliable and safe transporta-
tion of three-year-old. Experience with
early childhood development preferred
and provided. $8-11 per hour. Send re-
sume for call back to Rob. Sweettand@bg-
northamerica.com.
WANTED: TUTOR WITH educational
flair in math and science. What: to
work 1-2 hours weekly with a seventh
grader. Family is from Switzerland and
lives in West University Place. When:
weekends. Call (713) 662-2588 or
e-mail desauter@sbcglobal.net.
CONTEMPORARY AR T gallery look-
ing for energetic, reliable assistant.
Hours of the gallery are Wed.-Sat.,
11:30-5:30. Part-time available. E-mail
resume to poissant@sbcgtobat.net or
call Amanda at (713) 880-5553 for more
information.
WANTED: STUDENT TUTOR major-
ing or minoring in English needed
ASAP We will pay between $20-$30
per hour. Normal pay is $ 10-$ 15 per
hour. One child needs help with build-
ing a Paragraph, logical organization,
teaching child the basics of writing,
beginning, middle and conclusion.
Teach child the main idea and topic
sentence while teaching student how
to form supportive sentences. Teach
student howto write sentences that flow
smoothly from one to another. Teach
child how to summarize a paragraph,
and also teach student to recognize
the importance of revising and editing
reports that are free of most errors (i.e.)
punctuation, grammar and spelling.
Teach child what ideas are needed to
write aconclusion. Will try to meet your
availability. Please call I>arry (713) 871-
2057, Erin (713) 888-1812 or Ix>rraine
(713) 443-1965.
AFTERNOON BABYSITTER needed
for three children (ages 13, 10 and
5) in Bellaire. Three afternoons per
week from 2:45-6:00 beginning in Nov.
Transportation and homework assis-
tance. AnneO'Conor: (713) 592-5315
(home); (713) 831+5643 (work),
HOTEL BEST WESTERN Reliant
Park, 2364 South I/>op West (Loop
610at Kirby). Front desk/night audit.
Experience not necessary. Please call
(713) 799-2436. ask for Naveed.
NEED HOMEWORK/STUDY tutor
for two children in 8th and 2nd grades.
5-8 hours minimum commitment per
week. Additional hours definitely
available — Flexible! Very close to
Rice Campus. Contact Kendall at
kjknaus@sbcgtobal. net.
PIANO TEACHER needed for 8-year-
old boy. West U familv. Please calljamie
(713) 557-5291.
TUTOR NEEDED. West U family. Two
days a week for one or more boys.
Ages 6, 8 and 11. Call Jamie (713)
557-5291.
PLAY PAL NEEDED for autistic boy
who needs a patient, energetic person
to teach him t-ball, soccer, board games,
etc. 3-4 afternoons per week. Must
have transportation, salary negotiable.
Please call Lynn, (713) 256-3244.
P/T NANNY WEST U Area Mon.-
Fri. or Tues./Thurs. or MWF from
2:30-8:00. Responsible, experienced,
references, like kids, clean driving
record.Call Debbie (832) 368-9142 or
dzager@houston. rr.com.
MATURE, RELIABLE and enthusi-
astic student needed from 3-8 p.m.,
Mon.-Thurs., to assist family with
four children, ages 11-13. Duties
include driving to and from school
and afterschool activities and home-
work assistance. Must have excellent
driving record and character refer-
ences. If interested, please e-mail
swbecker<ti}pdg. net.
SINGER/FRONT-MAN (male only
please) wanted for established cover-
band! Rock, Buzz music, 80s. Must have
transportation, www.teftonredtive.com
call (832) 455-6402 for info.
LOOKING FOR a babysitter 18+ for a
3.5 year-old-boy. (713) 680-0800.
HOUSING
MUSEUM DISTRICT. Grad students
— don't live in the lab. One-bedroom
apartment in quiet building at 4001
Greeley. Hardwood floors, plenty of
closet space, window unit air, on-site
laundry. $525 with lease and deposit.
Andover: (713) 524-3344.
MUSEUM DISTRICT. One- and two-
bedroom apartments in a thoughtfully
renovated building at 1301 Richmond.
Grad students — don't live in the lab.
Hardwood floors, central air/heat and
dishwashers in most units. Bike to Rice.
$540-780 with lease and deposit Andover:
(713) 524-3344.
MISCELLANEOUS
EGG DONORS needed to help infer
tile couples. Work with experienced
agency. $5,000 compensation/cycle.
Monitoring in Medical Center. Age
18-31, healthy with normal reproductive
cycles, nonsmoker, intelligent, attrac-
tive. (866) 517-7513 or (713) 532-0664.
Ask for Renee or Catherine.
SPRING BREAK 2006 with Student
I ravel Services to Jamaica, Mexico,
Bahamas and Florida. Are you con-
nected? Sell trips, earn cash and travel
free! Call for group discounts. Info/
Reservations (800) 648-4849.
CREI )ITSC( )RE SUCCESS. Get CRED-
UCATED! I jearn the unknown secrets to
y< >ur credit score success and get a FREE
CD at www.FICOSUCCESS.com.
TRASH THE THRESHER. Please
recycle this newspaper when you've
finished reading it.
s
CLASSIFIED ADS
Rates are as follows:
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36-70 words: $30
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ment must accompany your ad.
Deadline is Monday at 5 p.m.
prior to Friday publication.
The Rice Thresher
Attn: Classifieds
6100 Main St.. MS-524
Houston, TX 77005-1892
Phone: (713) 348-3974
Fax: (713) 3485238
The Thresher reserves the right
to refuse any advertising for
any reason and does not take
responsibility for the factual
content of any ad.
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Obermeyer, Amber. The Rice Thresher, Vol. 93, No. 9, Ed. 1 Friday, October 21, 2005, newspaper, October 21, 2005; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth443146/m1/20/?q=%22%22~1: accessed July 7, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.