The Rice Thresher, Vol. 89, No. 8, Ed. 1 Friday, October 5, 2001 Page: 24 of 24
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24
THE RICE
THRESHER BACKPAGE FRIDAY. OCTOBER
5, 2001
4-* ., .
Really dorky math misclass
"I'm lost right there."
"Good. My goal is to lost all of
you."
- Dr. Gao, MATH 102
"If a complex number knocked
on your door at midnight, would
you let him in?"
- Dr. Wiandt, MATH 355
"Hey look! Satan's back! In
integral form!"
— MATH 102 student
"If you have infinity many
numbers, does that mean you
are rich? No? OK."
— Dr. Gao, MATH 102
"Which one do I put in my
mouth first?"
— Random girl at the Health
Fair, holding a lollipop in one
hand and a condom in the other
"Answers to the name 'Mr.
Black and Long. "
— Jones freshman, referring to
her lost lamp
"You all whine too much.'
- Dr. Gao, MATH 102
"How do you integrate that
fish?"
— MATH 102 student, failing to
recognize the Greek letter alpha
"Sit down, cry and hope that the
problem integrates itself."
— A MATH 102 student on how
she plans to solve an integral
"I would rather stare at my own
feces than make out with my
Screw Yer Roommate date."
— Lovett sophomore
"I know you've all been waiting
for this for a long time. Now it's
time to have fun. Now it's time
to kill people."
— Dr. Gao. MATH 102
"A limit is like a ghost. It moves
through everything and you
cannot stop him."
— Dr. Gao, MATH 102
"Long Hall Quote of the Week:
If I were a girl, I'd rather be hot
than smart.' — Rob"
— A sign found taped to all the
doors on the second floor of
Will Rice
The Rice Track Stadium
is reserved
Mondays through Fridays,
2:00 PM to 5:30 I'M, for Rice
Track & Field Practice.
\t all other times, anyone usinj: the facility,
except Rice Students, Faculty & Staff,
*L that have made prior arrangements with
Athletic Department, are trespassing.
Families Weekend Logic Puzzle
Fact 1: The picture above hangs on the inside of the track stadium.
Note the bottom half.
Fact 2: The gate to the track stadium is always locked when the
team isn't practicing, making any entry "trespassing."
Fact 3: "Students aren t allowed to be out here unless they're with
their coach."
Guard who stopped Slavko from using the track at 1:30 p.m.
Fact 4. "Leaving the stadium open for unsupervised general use
would be a huge liability risk for the university.''
Assistant Dean of Student and Recreation Centers Boyd
Beckwith
Slavko's Conclusion. Only student athletes can use the track. The
rest of us can dodge traffic on the Inner Loop and avoid
weirdos on the Outer Loop.
18 hours till mom and
dad get here - and
pitchers are only
2 bucks! .
SLAVKO'S NEWS BITES:
12 INCHES OF INFO IN YOUR EAR
'Wide Receiver'
receives big letdown
Junior Ryan Abrams had his
hopes and dreams crushed this
week during a meeting with head
football coach Ken Hatfield.
After two months of practic
ing with the football team, Ryan
had not received a single pass.
The bus never waited for him, he
wasn't invited to the parties, he
never got a jersey and there was
no ticket to Hawaii for him. After
the meeting with Hatfield, Ryan
was crying like a 2-year-old girl.
"Ryan approached me with his
concerns and said that he felt like
nobody wanted him on the team,"
Hatfield said. 'So then I had to
tell him that he never really was
on the team. He didn't try out or
anything. He just sort of showed
up. His pads were sofa cushions
he taped on and his helmet was
an empty box of Cap'n Crunch.
While I admire his dedication,
that's just kinda creepy. There's
no way I want a freak like that on
my team. No way, Jose."
Upon questioning, Adjunct
Associate Professor of Bioengi
neering Jose Lopez and Brown
junior Jose Moreira said that they
had no problem with Hatfield's
coaching prerogative.
Gillis refers to
carbonated beverage
improperly
During a speech to the student
body. President Malcolm Gillis
made a complete and utter fool of
himself in a manner not witnessed
since the infamous "Dan Quayle
potatoe" incident. While trying
to make a witty analogy, Gillis
related life to "a can of pop."
Allegedly a pretty big man on
the Student Association. President
Gavin Parks has taken a strong
stance on behalf of the students,
stating on several occasions.
"What the hell is pop? Did he
mean soda? Or Coke?"
Gillis is reportedly still in
shock over the occurrence and
has openly admitted that while
he used to say "pop" in his col
lege days, he never imagined he
would have a flashback at such
an inappropriate time. That s kind
of ironic when you consider all the
acid Big Male used to drop back
in the day. Hey, just a few weeks
ago didn't the main man geek
some helium in front of all the
freshmen?
Claim of 'dry erase'
deemed fraudulent
After writing all over the walls
of their hallway, freshmen at
Hanszen College have discovered
that their markers are, in fact, not
quite as dry erasable as the box
claimed.
"Like, all the upperclassmen
told us it would totally come right
off, and why would they lie?" said
Hanszen freshman Sima
Aronovich. "I guess it's all a mat
ter of interpretation. If by 'instant
dry erase' they mean "scrub the
hell out of with 409.' then I guess
the joke's on me."
As of press time, the Hanszen
Cabinet is voting on the issue of
writing a resolution to form a com
mittee to propose to send a formal
complaint to the manufacturer.
Crossword screw-up
becomes real word
On a not so ordinary Tuesday
morning in the Linguistics Depart
ment lounge, Stephen Tyler, the
Herbert S. Autry Professor of An
thropology and Linguistics, was
just kinda chilling between classes,
drinking some coffee and trying to
conquer The New York Timescross
word puzzle.
All of a sudden, Tyler realized
that something magical had hap
pened: He had created life. Well,
not actual life, but verbal life. After
rechecking his answers to all of
the "across" clues. Tyler concluded
that, as number 35 down sug
gested, "a rewarding task" is a
"porchwhale." While the New York
Times has insisted that the correct
word is "worthwhile," Tyler stands
stubbornly behind his brain child.
"Gnyah! I think that my inven
tion of this new word was very
porchwhale. When it comes right
down to it. who are you going to
believe? Me or some fat cat from
New York City? I am the clitic
master, you mangy sewer rats!"
Ultimate 'Survivor'
named after 35 years
The original reality show
about survival concluded this
week with movie star Ginger
Grant standing tall. Seven con
testants were stranded on an un
charted desert isle in 1965, and
although they were friendly at
first during many "episodes" of
outrageous hijinks, the competi
tion quickly became fierce.
First to go were the million
aire and his wife; then came the
Skipper, brave and sure (the big
fat drunk's coconut moonshine
factory exploded). Gilligan ro
mantically flung himself off a
cliff after the loss of his "big
buddy." As far as the Professor
goes, Ms. Grant commented
that "while he was smart and
cute, he sure wasn't the Profes
sor of getting us the hell off that
island."
When it came down to the fi
nals, Mary Ann Summers with
drew from the competition with
what she believed was a migraine
headache, later diagnosed as Ms.
Grant beating her to death with a
coconut. With her newfound fame,
Ms. Grant looks forward to focus
ing on her controversial career
with her latest hit, Sit Right Back
and You II Get Some Tail.
Gk'olo writes some
Q
humorous, creative
Backpage content
Just kidding ... although it is
great to see the Gigster (or little
Giggy as his mom calls him)
back in action. The student body
is anxiously awaiting more of
the same quality work that went
into such great Backpages as
"Is your O Week advisor an
asshole?"
Welcome back, LiT Joey. Your
dedication and courage was
sorely missed while you were
getting acquainted with that little
boy you starred with in A.I.
Campus construction
completed
Gotcha again, sucker.
Get paid to tickle my classifieds!
HOUSING
HOUSE RENTAL WANTED: Very
neat Cornell University professor on
sabbatical for spring 2002 (January
May) wishes to rent furnished house
near Rice with yard, will take care of
gardens. Contact hemami&'ee. comell. edu.
LOOKING FOR A FEMALE, non
smoking, responsible roommate to
share 2 Bedroom/1 Bath Apt. next to
Rice University/Medical Center. Rent
is $250/mo. for own room. Please call
713 797 9481. Immediate availability.
Willy saves the day again.
HELP WANTED
LAB ASSISTANT lo work about 15
hours a week for the entire fall semes
ter. Prefer junior or senior who plans
to pursue physics or physical chemis
try. Contact Erik at x5122 or Yvonne at
x6356. Send e-mail to hlfi@vice.edu.
CYCLING ENTHUSIASTS wanted.
Bike Barn is now hiringqualified cash
iers, sales associates and mechanics.
Applications are available al all four
locations or can he downloaded from
www.bikebarntexas.com. Fax # (281)
332 2461. Visit our Web site.
PT OR FT ASSISTANT for small law
office. Must be computer literate and
have good skills in MS Word and know
how to use relational database. Typing
must be at least 45 wpm. and must be
willing to do both mundane and < lial
lenging tasks. Ne.u I 10 and Blalock.
$10 hi Call (713) 981 2566.
NANNY FOR FAMILY WITH INFANT
(and large dog) in the Montrose area
Schedule negotiable Please call (713)
523-0624 to set up an appointment.
References required.
ETES VOUS FRANC, AiS(E)? Un
americain recherche un(e) francais(e)
qui voudrait dormer des cours
particuliers de la conversation en
fran^ais. Emploi du temps flexible. I res
bon salaire. Automation de travailler
aux Etats Unisn'est pasnecessaire. Ben
e-mail pgoolsby(<Pmsn.com.
PART TIME FILE C I.ERK/RUNNER
needed for small downtown law firm.
Duties include filing, courthouse runs
and copying. Must be dependable and
have reliable transportation. Hours: 8
,i.m. 12 p.m. Fax resume to (713) 739
7420.
BABYSITTER NEEDED: For 9 year
old boy, two Saturday evenings per
month. $6- hour. Located near Rice on
Greenbriar. (713) 522 9127.
NEED HELP with children's home
work and baby-sitting starting at 4 p.m.
lues.. Wed.. I hurs, Live 10 minutes
from Rice. $8 per hour. Call Mary
Webber (713) 622 5233.
TIC KLISH? PROFESSIONAL VIDEO
company looking for "in shape" tick
lish women for videos about tickling.
No nudity. Excellent pay! Contact (713)
523-5210 or e mail )'aqi<@'webt\ net.
MISCELLANEOUS
$$GET PAID FOR YOUR OPINIONS!
$$Earn $15 $ 125 and more per survey!
www. money lopinions.com.
CLASSIFIED ADS
Rates are as follows
1 35 words
36-70 words
71-105 words
$30
$45
Payment, by cash, check or credit
card, must accompany your ad
Notes & Notices submission', arc
published according to
space availability.
Deadline i Monday at p.m prior
to Friday publication
The Ricc lhrcshcr
Attn Classifieds
6100 Main St MS-524
2nd Floor Ley Student Center
Houston rx 77005 1892
Phone (713)348 3967
Fax (713) 348-5238
The Thresher reserves the right to
refuse any advertising for ;iny
reason and does not take
responsibility for the factual
content of any ad
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Liu, Leslie & Reichle, Robert. The Rice Thresher, Vol. 89, No. 8, Ed. 1 Friday, October 5, 2001, newspaper, October 5, 2001; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth443147/m1/24/: accessed July 18, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Rice University Woodson Research Center.