Brenham Daily Banner. (Brenham, Tex.), Vol. 19, No. 254, Ed. 1 Monday, November 12, 1894 Page: 4 of 8
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He Call* V|»on Smith of Vtali Determined
to Push Tra<lc.
Mr. Joseph Smith, Salt Lake City,
registered at the Cadillac, and before
he had satisfactorily accomplished
the matuti aal 40 winks .so dear to the
fatigued traveler a persistent knock-
ing was heard at the door, and upon
ts being opened a nervous looking
man with red hair and a tin box un-
der his arm slid into the room and
presented the disgusted guest with
a business card in four colors.
"The patent Kidmore cracker,"
said the guest as he hopped into bod
again and pulled up the clothes.
"You've made some mistake, my
good man. I don't want any crack-
ers
■ "You think you don't, but you
do," said the intruder with an in-
gratiating smile. "Your name is
Smith, from Utah, isn't it?"
"Well, suppose it is?"
"Exactly. I'll explain. Now, sir,
give me your attention for a mo-
ment. What is the greatest cur30
known to married men? What is the
most disagreeable thing in domestic
life?"
"Well, lemmo see. Bilks," said the
guest after a few moments' reflec-
tion.
"Not at all, sir; it's crumbs."
"Crumbs?"
"Yes, sir, crumbs. Cracker
crumbs. Did you ever know a mar-
ried woman who did not insist on sit-
ting up in bed with the baby from 4
to 40 times per night and feeding it
on crackers?"
"How the dev"—
"Don't swear," interrupted the
cracker agent. '' It is no longer nec-
essary, as you will see presently. As
I was going on to say, every married
woman feeds her baby on crackers in
l>ed, and the result is that tho sheets
are always full of crumbs. The
wives don't seem to mind them
somehow, but the husbands do. Why,
a hair shirt wouldn't begin to pro-
duce the same amount of torture
causal an average man by a single
crumb, and when thero is more—
why, cobblestones would seem a bed
of roses by comparison.''
"Well, sir, what"—
"What can I offer to mitigate the
evil—to do away with this great
wellspring of domestic misery, eh?
Why, I'lb show you. Behold the
•greatest invention of the nineteenth
century!"
"Stop that! What the blazes are
you tip to?" roared the guest as his
interviewer turned down the bed-
clothes and began sprinkling a kind
of sawdust among the sheets.
"Keep still, my dear sir," said the
cracker man blandly. "I'm just
showing you our mammoth boon to
humanity. This box is filled with
the dust from the new Kidmore
cracker. Will you have the goodness
to roll oyer once or twice and notice
that the Kidmore crumb don't
scratch a bit? No restlessness, no
discomfort. In fact, the dough is so
mixed with i*dia rubber in the pro-
portion"—
"What do you suppose I care for
your crackers? I don't eat in bed!"
and the infuriated traveler began
swearing to find that his pistol was
locked up in his trunk. _ .
"No, but your wives do," put in
the agent.
"My what?"
"Why, your wives. If a man with
only one wife needs these invaluable
articles for family consumption, ho w
much more are they indispensable to
a man with 20 wives?"
"Twenty what?" gasped the guest,
who was now convinced that ho had
a bad case of wheels to deal with and
was wondering whether ho could
turn on the fire alarm \rithout at-
tracting the crank's attention. ,
"Why, 20 wives. You're the Mor-
mon Apostle Smith, ain't you?"
,< "No, I'm not," replied tho oth<
much disgusted, "and I'm not mfyA
ried either."
"Why, you're from Utah, and your
name itsepelled the same—S-m-i-t-h.
Singular, very singular," mused the
cracker vender. "Sure you ain't the
man?','
"Yos, I'm sure, and if you don't
skate out of hero blamed if I don't
slam you out of that window."
"Goodgracious, mid we're on the
sixth story too! Guess I'd rather
take the elevator. However, to show
you there's no hard feelings, I'll
leave you a few of our business cards.
Sure you're not that Smith, eh?
singular coincidence; very."
And, shaking his head over tho re-
markable similarity of the names,
tho agent wedged an illuminated
chrorho advertisement of the Kid-
more Velvet Crumb Cracker into the
fide of the mirror and drifted out—
trait Sun.
hm Whestfleld* of Normaady.
We pass through hamlets where
the cottages are protected by high
banks of earth, hiding all but their
thatched roofs. Beech trees, robbed
of their lower branches, bear their
crests proudly aloft and hold fast be-
tween their naked stems great heaps
of rape. Tho empty pods are sere
and rustle mysteriously in the
breeze.
On the broad Normandy acres, j
where tho wheat has just been bar- j
vested, a crowd of women, boys and i
girls is assembled. They dispose j
themselves at regular intervals and
at the signal, "Allcz, planes," fall to
work with a will, pouncing upon
every spear of grain like a hawk up
on its prey. The sparrows must look
elsewhere for food, for scarcely a
kernel is left upon the ground when
the gleaners have done their work.
But fhe thank o:Tevin^s placed by tho
peasants upon the many Calvaries
along the roadsides make partial
amends to the birds, who do notij
hesitate to profit by them. Tho offer-!
ing of these bunches of grain is tho
last act of the service which takes
place early in the season. Then the
cure, preceded by a lou^ procession
of children, little.girls docked with!
flowers, boys and priests, bears bo-
fore him, beneath the tarnished diasi
upheld by white robed acolytes, tha(
sacred host, i:\vokingdivineblessingl
upon tho lands of his little flock.— I
Catholic World. i
!
A Uail Night.
An eminent bishop who was quar-:
tered in the house of the wealthiest
resident in a certain village while
his host's wife was away occupied
the "spare bod." He is a thin man,
and when his host inquired in tho
morning how he had slept and hoped I
he had passed agreeable night he!
answered with some vehemence:
"No, I did not. I passed a very dis-!
agreeable night indeed."
The bishop departed, and when j
tho wife of his host returned she i
naturally inquired who had been in j
the houso in her absence.
' "Bishop P—said the husband.
"Bishop P—! Where did you put
him to sleep?"
"In the spare bed, of course."
"In tho spare bed!" shrieked the
horrified matror. "Why, I put all
the silver undti tho mattress before
I went away."—New York Adver-
tiser.
ja baby
that is making you oldj
j before your time with wor- >
Jrying? Is it weak, deli-1
I cate, puny ? Are you fear-
ful lest it be taken from
you ? Mother! Will you
I read this letter about
Brown's Iron Bitters
It is genuine—not paid!
for or even solicited—and \
the writer is the happiest [
j woman in New Orleans. \
509 Dcfkdes Street, [ j
New Orleans, La. t J
J Enclosed yoa will find a photograph of J
J my youngest boy, Clarence. He was sick ?
J about seven months; nothing cured him but
' Brown's Iron Bitters. He is now a year
1 old, well and hearty! I cannot say too much
I in'praiseof Brown's Iron Bitters.
Mrs. L. Leveringberg.
This letter was written j
£uly 25th, this year. >
tVjHave you a delicate child? J
41 JLife for many children in»
Brown's Iron Bitters I t
1 The Genuine has the Crossed
; Red I4nes on the wrapper„
3 Brown Chemical Co., Baltimore. Md.
i
A
WHOLESALE AND RETAIL
'j.* (.
■H
Undertaking a Specialty
(US®!
li
HI USUI
With us the entire Keal Estate of
Wm. Hamilm&jn, comprising some
Fine Property, viz:
3 Brick Ruildings, adjoining, new-
ly completed, permanently Vented,
in growing part of city for $10,000,
bringing about 14 per cent net on
'ho investment.
1 Corner Business Lot with frame
building 30x100 for $1000. This i?"
a bargain.
1 New Frame Residsnee and large
lot, also large fine corner residence
lot adjoining in most desirable loca-
tion, all lor $3000.
Also ONE SPECIAL RARE BAR-
GAIN in two saloon Stocks and fix-
tures. with lease of same going at
cost, viz: $5,000.
The Saloon statids are well known
as the bist on the Santa Fe line and
have been a gold mine to their pro-
prietors. Good reasons for sale.
A full supply of Ladies and Gentlemen burial robes.
Have part of a car of Buggies, which I offer
below cost, as I am closing them out.
Give me a call before buying.
^ —y ■*' 1 ^
W m. Lusk.
Brenliani, Texas,
We have now in Stock an elegant line of Dress r
Goods in all the new styles of Wool Fabrics, with
trimmings to match. #
large line of men's, youths and children clothing
Stetson Hats, all shapes. C. P. and other popular
makes of Corsets.
Our Line of Carpets is Now Complete
Hare just received a largo shipment of the popular
John Kelly Ladies, Misses, und Children 8hoes.
ALEX
Hvbir Stonu, President. -
A. Wanoimann, let Vice P reside
H. F. Habrison, Cashier. *
First National Bank, Brenham, Texas.
Capital and Surplus, £180,000.00.
Director* 1
THOB. DWYER, BINRY HODDI, A. WANGEMANN,
T. A. LOW, F. W. WOOD, MRH. A. M. QIDI)I>GP.
HEBER BTONI, ED. AMSLEIt. H. K. HARBISON.
Accounts of Farmers, Merchants and bosineBH men general'y ro
spectfully solicited.
LOUIS KORFF.
H1TOM CLKMONS
KORFF & CLEMONS
BUTCHEE8,
Dealers in LIVE STOCK and
Steam . Sausage . Manufacturers
BKENHAM, TEXAS.
Highest market price paid for li /e stock. Orders for SausHge promptly iltWt.
JR. E. L U H N ,
DRUGGIST
MAIN STREET, BRENBAM,
Staple Drop, Fine Chemicals, Patent Medicines,
Vfasst Perfumery and Toilet Soaps, Oombt, lair, 9f »H
and Tooth Brushes in Sudless Variety.
Fhytidtnii prescription* always rsoeiT# prompt attention and will b« filled
atmoat Oftru it *-• y tim«, day or night. In rasdicinsa. «uslitv it of the Sr*t
The Den it the chaapert.
F. KRENTZLIN.
Address all communications to
AGENT FOR W. J. LEMP'S
KEG&
I
Real Estate and Insurance,
Brenham, Texas.
—PIALKK IX-
Choice Family Groceries.
Wines, Liquors, Tobacco; Oigars, Orookery and Glass-war*
GRABBR BUILDING, BRENHAM. TEXAS.
IflrOrders for Keg or Bottled Boor promptly filled. Goods delivered
in all parts of tb» oity free of charge.
jkit
M. A,
— DBALJttt ID
. m
General
8K
Sr
-
• ■ c 2?
m
FARMING IMPLEMENTS, FENCE WIRJS,
PaIUTS Oils, VABN1SB, ffflDO* GLASS, IBON PIPP
3Puaspst Steam Fittings, Rubber Belting. Ac.,
Handy Street. RBKNBAM.
TEX Ah
k ■
TYLER'S FAMOUS
ROLL CURTAIN DESKS.
pEW STYIiES.
Oar mammoth cataloene of Buk Ceaatcr*,
Dfxkt, and ether Office Fornftare tor 1894
row ready. Desks, Chain, Table*. Book*
cases, and -at maifhlesi prices, tor
tli-> Best Goods made.
SANK COUNTERS TO ORDER TO FIT MY ROOM.
ftttaJoffne free. Send 12c to cover postage.
'J-.tfi'S."" "■ 1
9CHMID BROS.
siiAi«zizui zxor v
Greneral Merohandis«
COR FIRST AND WEST STREETS, - , • . BflEIHAM TEXl
A full stock of Dry Goocte, Groceriea, Hat*, Boot* *1]
. t (iii* pr ic:e i»aid for Conitry Prodmoe
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Brenham Daily Banner. (Brenham, Tex.), Vol. 19, No. 254, Ed. 1 Monday, November 12, 1894, newspaper, November 12, 1894; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth483816/m1/4/?q=%22~1%22~1: accessed July 17, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Abilene Library Consortium.