Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 91, No. [23], Ed. 1 Tuesday, April 1, 1997 Page: 2 of 4
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Junk
From page 1
rubberneckers what the hell is
going on, and I get this story
about how this thing fell out of
the sky. Yeah, right. It’s when
people start talking that kind
of crap that I start looking for
college students to frisk.”
Before Beacherass got
the chance to pat down any-
one. however. NASA National
Administration of Star Trek
Afficianados(NASA) showed up.
One neighborhood res-
ident, who refused to be named
but said that he was in the
“hubcap redistribution busi-
ness,” gave this eyewitness ac-
count of the feds' arrival: “I was
trying to get a look at the thing
while avoiding that cop at the
same time when this big van
pulls up and all these dudes
with guns and body armor get
out. They teargassed the crowd
and I guess they ran in and got
the thing while we was all
coughing and puking and what-
ever. When I could see again,
they were gone. That cop bar-
fed up a bunch of Twinkies,
man. You shoulda seen it.”
Although the agency
would not return calls, this ex-
change between a reporter and
a NASA spokesperson was taped
the day after the incident:
Question: “What can you tell
us about the space object that
crashed into a neighborhood
in Georgetown yesterday?”
Answer: “NASA categorically
denies that any kind Of space
object was involved in that in-
cident.”
Q; “What was it, then? It wasn’t
space trash or debris? Was it
part of Skylab?”
A: “Oh, it was probably just a
large bird or something. Or
maybe the sky is falling- haha!
And even if it did come from
space, it wouldn’t be newswor-
A local townsperson lies in need of serious medical attention after being
hit by a piece of lethal space trash, (rendered by Alouicious Pepper)
thy. Next question, please.”
Q; “Would you also be denying
that a NASA van with armed
agents that teargassed onlook-
ers were at the scene?”
A: “Maaaaybe. Listen, how
about a different line of ques-
tioning here...”
Q; “Heard any good Hubble
telescope jokes lately?”
A: “I’ll Hubble your ass, you
little punk-” [Tape endsl.
Hole
From page 1
“COMMUNITY.” The idea is
that such a sign would rein-
force an aspect of SU life that
has been rather lacking in the
recent past.
Other less heralded
suggestions included the cre-
ation of a 24-hour computer
lab, or a new Allen/Bright-
well/Crowley Memorial
Squash Court to commemo-
rate this year’s retiring facul-
ty-
No matter what is
done with the hole, and the
gator farm is the front-run-
ner right now, students are
encouraged to rest assured
that it will not be very useful.
“This entire school
has its head up its %#&!@.
Those !#$A@*% wouldn’t even
put a door to mail-boxes in
that @!$&*A trailer. They
won’t let me smoke in my own
&!#@A$% office,” exclaimed
Fay Hubbard, campus Post-
master.
In the
shoes...
P. Jooky Lebenstein
Megaphool Reporter
Compiled, inspired by and
ripped off from everything
available
International
Queen Takes Back Power
Queen Elizabeth II
stormed into a joint meeting of
parliament Thursday with 800
members of the royal army,
and demanded that she be re-
turned the power that “God
granted [her] ancestors.”
---------Claiming her “divine
right to rule over the Brits,”
Elizabeth drove a tank through
the streets of London, rolling
over her subjects with mania-
cal laughter, and proclaiming
repetitiously “I got your limit-
ed monarchy right here.”
In a press conference
late Thursday her majesty said
“Compared to those who came
before me I have been getting
screwed royally. We have been
on a downward spiral since
1215 and It’s about damn time
that someone turned the spiral
upwards again.”
Her first order of busi-
ness as unlimited monarch was
to de-knight Paul McCartney,
who was knighted two weeks
ago, and to knight instead Rin-
go Starr, and Yoko Oho, who
she called “the best of the Beat-
les.”
Elizabeth said she is
currently working on plans to
invade France in early June for
“the hell of it.”
National
Words With Fewer Than 4
Letters Done Away With
. Commission America’s
finest intellectuals voted out-
law words that have fewer than
four letters.
This bold initiative
should make language sound
more dignified, help Americans
sound more important.
Commission congress
convened earlier this year make
American English sound better
officially keep with evolving
languages.
Commission chair said
“Good decision, help Americans
taken more seriously global vil-
lage, marketplace.”
Next order business:
grdully removing selected let-
ters from lphbet for prcticlity,
efficiency.
Chico Bans Nukes
After months of heated
debated, the city council of
Chico, California has decided
to pass a city ordinance ban-
ning the detonation of nuclear
weapons in the city limits.
Radical arms control
advocates have been pushing
for the measure for months,
and finally struck a deal with
second amendment champions
who have been strongly op-
posed to the measure.
Reginald Clark of the
National Rifle Association was
dispatched to Chico to prevent
the passage of the bill which,
according to Clark “Is the first
step to dismantling the Bill of
Rights and the entire American
way of life.”
“I was sent here to make
sure that these left wing nut
jobs don’t destroy the Ameri-
can system. I came here with
the mentality that if nuclear
weapons were outlawed, then
only outlaws would have nucle-
ar weapons. While I still hold
this belief, I believe that the
agreement we have is workable”
Clark said.
The workable agree-
ment of which Clark speaks is a
plan that will still allow the
possession of nuclear weapons
in all parts of Chico, will protect
the right to detonate nuclear
weapons outside of the down-
town district but will levy a
$500 fine on those who deto-
nate atomic bombs in restrict-
ed areas.
The Chico city council
is expecting to hear arguments
regarding chemical weapons
next week. Regarding this next
battle, Clark commented “As
long as the second amendment
rights of average citizens are
being challenged by the liberal
establishment, the NRA will be
there to ensure that freedom is
protected.
Dens
Houston Bans Automobiles
The Environmental Pro-
tection Agency is hailing a deci-
sion by the city of Houston to
ban all automobiles within the
city.
As the city with the sec-
ond worst air quality in the
nation, Houston has been look-
ing for a solution to meet feder-
al air quality standards, and
this seems to be the one.
An aid to Mayor Bob
Lanier was quoted as saying
“We think that this is just the
move we need to get the air in
Houston to the best it can be.
This initiative will also allow
local industry to increase emis-
sions of harmful, substances
while actually bettering the air
quality. We truly feel that this
is a win-win situation.”
The Greater Houston
Area Auto Dealers Association,
one of the largest in the nation,
issued a statement Wednesday
saying “While we understand
we’ll need to make some chang-
es in our business, we’re collec-
tively pleased that Houston is
taking this bold step to improve
the quality of life for all of its
citizens. We can only hope that
other cities follow suit.”
The intricate highway
system of Houston will soon be
covered in dirt have grass sewn
in to make the roadways more
comfortable for the hum- eds
of thousands of horses that will
soon take to them.
The measure goes into
full effect on Monday, by which
time all automobiles must be
removed from Houston.
Republic Declares Indepen-
dence
Members of the militia
group known as "The Republic
of Texas’’ declared themselves
the "Free and Sovereign Na-
tion-State of Texas", Monday.
The state legislature
was quick to respond to the
bold act, by issuing an official
statement reading simply,
"Screw it!"
Republican senator
from Dallas, Lyndon Baxter
elaborated, saying, "we’ll have
their electricity cut off and
they'll be begging us to stick
’em in Huntsville. Damn Panty-
wastes won't make it through
the weekend without Walker,
Texas Ranger.
Governor Bush agreed
with Baxter, adding, "I'm really
looking forward to this week’s
Walker, too."
j
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Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 91, No. [23], Ed. 1 Tuesday, April 1, 1997, newspaper, April 1, 1997; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth634070/m1/2/: accessed June 28, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Southwestern University.