Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 95, No. 08, Ed. 1 Thursday, November 9, 2000 Page: 7 of 8
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November 9, 2000 7
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A LETTER TO THE CAMPUS COMMUNITY EXPRESSING OUTRAGE AT Al GORE'S ATTEMPT TO SPOIL THE 2000PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
_____\ ' ’ ' ' _ ___________
Par Alain Suderman
Just like every single one of
my telloi' country persons. I stayed
glued to the television Tuesday
night anxiously awaiting the elec-
tion returns. And just as similarly,
I was filled with disgust, contempt,
and anger at its outcome. Although
no clear winner has been announced
at the time of my writing this on
Wednesday evening, one thing has
become perfectly crystal-clear—Al
Gore has stolen the election from
Ralph Nader.
I first turned on the television
around seven o’clock in the evening
with the only question on my mind
being how much of a lead Nader
would have. Imagine my surprise
when it was first announced that
a young Tennessian upstart named
Al Gore, calling himself a member
of the “democrats,” had come out
of nowhere to claim New York and
Florida and their sizable electoral
college votes.
“ Al who?” I incredulously asked
the television. “This is bullshit!
Absolute bullshit!”
I immediately called my mother
to ask if she knew what was going
on. “Alan,” she reassured me, UI
have no idea who this ‘ Al Fore’ guy
is, but I’m sure Nader will still win
it all,”
Comforted by my mother’s polit-
ical savvy, (she was student coun-
cil president of Bryan Adams High
School in 1934) I turned the tele-
vision off and curled up with copy
of Tribulation Force, the second
book in the Left Behind series about
a post-rapture world and Christ’s
second coming. I was soon trans-
ported deep into Tim LaHaye and
Jerry Jenkins’ modem retelling of
the literal truths of Revelation and
so caught up in the modem mas-
terpiece that when I looked at the
clock I had realized that it was
almost midnight.
I turned the television back on
and was relieved with what I heard;
the television networks, it appeared,
had made a mistake. Florida, and
its twenty-five electoral votes, were
indeed not going to the cocksure,
unknown, Al Gore, but were what
the networks describe as “too close
to call.” I was still a little nervous
that Nader hadn’t yet won any elec-
toral votes, but was still confident
that he would still defeat his real
opponent, George W. Bush.
But when I returned from fetch-
ing a can of tuna from the kitchen
I was hit with a bombshell. The
state of California, considered my
most experts as a virtual lock for
Ralph Nader and his Green Party,
had voted in favor of Al Gore. I
couldn’t believe my eyes! What
was even more puzzling was the
lack of shock being displayed by
any of the television personalities
covering the race. All of them,
without a single exception, acted
as though this Gore character was
a legitimate contender for Presi-
dent!
I became enraged and started
to lose reason. I started yelling
at my cat, asking her questions
she couldn’t possibly have known
“Snowball, what the hell does this
Al Gore guy think he’s doing?
Doesn’t he know that every vote
for Gore is a vote against Nader
and thus a vote for Bush?”
Still in shock 1 got in my car
and drove to campus, intent on
finding out who this Al Gore was
and maybe getting glimpse of why
he was so hellbent on spoiling the
election. It took some time, but I
managed to find Al Gore’s ignored
little page on the internet and was
soon shocked at what I found—he
had almost exactly the same views as
George Walker: Texas Ranger Bush.
Both supported the death penalty.
Both opposed universal health
care.
Both supported the Iraqi and
Cuban embargoes.
Both wanted to spend more money
on the military.
Both, past drug users that they
may have been, supported the contin-
uation of the War on Drugs.
Both opposed making civil unions
legal for gay and lesbian couples.
His views were so similar that 1
at first wondered if I was not in fact
looking at George Bush’s website by
mistake. But after double checking,
it was clear that there was almost no
difference between the two “men.”
My fears only worsened when I
checked the webpage of CNN and
discovered that by some miracle, Al
Gore had managed to lure over
98% of Ralph Nader’s votes. It
seemed that the race was now
only between Bush and Gore.
I wanted to cry. Not since
Southwestern students had to
choose between Jimmy Wright
and Sylvia Meyer for student
council president had the notion
of democracy been so maligned.
I managed to hold back my tears
just long enough for me to drive
home and cry myself to sleep.
This morning’s news that there
was still no clear winner didn’t
really affect me at all. There
isn’t a dime’s worth of difference ^
between the foolz and neither of
them are worth a second thought.
It was clear, however, who last
night’s losers were: Ralph Nader
and all his tree hugging, granola
eating friends. Oh, and the Amer-
ican people.
New Study: Southwestern may show signs of life
Jeff Fowler
Bush Supporter #1
The scientific community is all
abuzz about a controversial new
discovery that life exists at South-
western.
The long-standing belief among
students, faculty, alumni, adminis-
tration officials, and students at all
neighboring colleges has been that
Southwestern is lifeless.
A group of prominent scientists
who have been scouring South-
western over the past 16 months for
signs of life announced on Tues-
day that their work had produced
a shocking discovery, leaving the
world1 shocked.
Apparently there’s a guy in the
Herman-Brown dormitory who has
a beer every now and again.
“This has got to be a joke,
right?” Professor John Ore declared
upon hearing the news. “I mean,
you gotta be kidding me. 1 guess
they have a different definition of
partying from when I was in col-
lege. I mean, come on. Even I party
more than all t£e nerds here at this
school!”
The student who was discov-
ered, who will remain anonymous
as a condition of the study, pur-
chased an 18-pack of Lone Star
Lite three weeks ago when his older
brother came to town
For the purposes of this article
we shall call the student Mr. Spar-
kles. Mr. Sparkles has been nursing
the pack since that time.
“I really like to drink beer, “
Mr. Sparkles said. “It makes me
feel guilty, because drinking beer is
wrong, but I still do it. I know I’m
going to end up getting suspended
for it, though.”
Critics have come out to say that
this hardly constitutes a life, argu-
ing that the scientists are seeing
what they want to see in order to
finish up the research and get the
fuck out of Georgetown.
*r .'“This is the Sloppiest scientific
work I’ve ever seen outside of
NASA,” Dr. Ima Nerd, head of the
United States Institute of Science
and Stuff, proclaimed on Wednes-
day. “Did they get their degrees at
a liberal arts college or what?” But
Dr. Ronald Morgan, head scientist
of the group defends his discovery.
“We don’t want to insinuate that
this is a full-fledj^d life.”
Dr. Morgan countered, “How-
ever, this is a like a little seed that
needs nurturing, and may someday
grow. Maybe his (Mr. Sparkles’)
roommate will have a beer with
him, maybe they will listen to
music while they’re drinking, and
maybe one day, in the distant future,
friends will come over and partic-
ipate as well.” Dr. Morgan’s opti-
mism for the development of future
life at SU appears to be unfounded.
“There is no way I’m having
any beer with Mr. Sparkles!”
exclaimed Mr. Bob’n’Rob, Mr.
Sparkles’ roommate. “Not only is
it immoral, but there’s no way I
wanna get suspended from school.
Nau-Uh! He better not have anyone
come over and drink, either, or I’m
calling the cops!”
Dr. Morgan was quick to point
out that sex occurring at Southwest-
ern was “unlikely.”
• • * “At this University, God I hope
not!”
, “I’m not trying to cause any
trouble,” Mr. Sparkles said. “I just
wanna have fun sometimes, ya
know?”
Dr. Leese, upon reading this
article, categorically denied that
life existed anywhere on
campus.“We’ve got rules against
that sort of thing.” He explained.
“But if any student feels like they
aren’t having a good time, they are
always weCome in my home for a
rousing game of bunco with me and
my wife,”.
Sarah Meyer/Mecaphone Stafe
This picture has nothing to do with anything. Really.
F>
Wesley fest rocks G-Town
Kelly Cocanougher
Megaphone Writer
During midnight runs to Whata-
burger, Southwestern students have
been noticing banners near the town
square announcing the arrival of
Wesley Fest, this weekend, Nuveui-
ber ll,h and 12,h.
The festival has been organized
almost entirely by Susan Hoyt, Con-
cilmember of District three. “The
main goal of this festival is clear,”
Hoyt says, ‘Ve wish to pay hom-
mage and give our respect to one
of modem music’s biggest giants:
Wesley Willis.
The name Wesley Willis is rec-
ognizable almost the world over.
Bom in 1962 in Chicago’s south
side, Willis began pursuing music I
at f young age. 1
By his mid-twenties he had
already made twelve albums and
his way -
Fifteen years later, two hundred 0nly two more dayb until Georgetown, Texas celebrates Mfes'ey
, Iasi year dubbed Willis, “The King the three hundred-pound, chronic just letting loose and having a good
of Everything. ‘ schizophrenic genius named Wesley time like everyone else.”
Although unable to make it to Willis.” He added, “I just can’t wait In honor of the event, SSuth-
the fesnval himself, Willis’s, music to ray favorite song, / Whupped western plans on hosting a faculty
Batman’s Ass.”
will be played over loud speakers
at San Gabriel park. Over a mil-
lion self-described “Willisheads”
are expected to attend the two-day
event.
John Plumer, a Georgetown res-
ident, is thrilled. “I can’t wait
to shgre this wonderful experience
with my two young daughters.
■ “This will like Woodstock except
it will only celebrate the music of
Georgetown police are equally
excited. Said Officer Vasquez,
“Normally when the city has a large
event like this I tend to get real
antsy and sometimes my trigger
finger gets the best of me. But Wes-
ley’s music is so soothing, espe-
cially the song, I’m Sorry That /
Got Fat, / Will Slim Odwn that at
the upcoming festival ! see myself
. . , .x,........
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discussion panel this Friday entitled
“Gender, class, and plying a donkey
with a whip: the far-reaching effects
of Wesley Willis’Genius.”
The discussion will be held
Friday at four in the Dan Rather
room and is open to the entire
campus community except Psi Chi,
the Psychology Honor Society that
is currently banned from all campus
activities.
The Standard Seven:
Vanessa Vasquez, First-year
1) If you were sent to jail, whom would you want as a roommate?
Squirrel Master from Half-Baked
2) What would be your pseudonym if you wrote romance novels?
Blinka-Blinka
3) What will you be doing in ten years?
Still paying for going to Southwestern University
4) What did you have for breakfast this morning?
“Sweet can...”
5) Why aren’t you more popular?
Cuz I don’t live in Kurth
6) Who is your favorite Canadian?
Terence and Phillip
7) Why do‘dragons fly?
Cuz the yelloW jujubees and the green jujubees will
rise up against the red jujubees in a jujubee revolt
The Ephemeral eighth:
Why did you vote for “him?" •
- ; ■■
He promised I’tJ be his intern
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Editor's Note: For the last time, I don't make
these answers up. In fact, nothing in the opinions
section has ever, or ever will be, made up.
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Sarah Meyer/Megafhone Staff
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Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 95, No. 08, Ed. 1 Thursday, November 9, 2000, newspaper, November 9, 2000; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth634227/m1/7/: accessed July 4, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Southwestern University.