Rambler (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 16, Ed. 1 Thursday, March 31, 1988 Page: 1 of 4
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VOL. 63- No. 16
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Rumbler
"We have no sacred cows but we have great hamburgers"
TEXAS WESLEYAN COLLEGE, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
MAR 31 1988
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Thursday, March 31, 1988
FRAT FOR DEAD!
I. M. ADEDMON, Phil McGrave and Jimmy Hoff* (I to r) ham if up at the annual Greek Week talent
show for the Rho lota Pis. The fraernity is currently under investigation by the dean of students.
Photo by Shaddap U. Face
by Juana Goneck
Controversy has engulfed the
new fraternity, Rho Iota Pi
(RIPl, as the dean of students,
Mary Pole, is trying to force it
and all its members permanent-
ly off campus
"They are practicing sacred
rites that exceed the limits of
deadly hazing," said Pole. “I am
doing all I can to remove them
from this campus.’’
“Deadly" is no exaggeration
according to the parents of one
RIP member. “When he
pledged, he was so excited," said
his mother, “but after he was
initiated, he changed. He walks
around like a zombie and listens
to strange rock bands like the
Grateful Dead.”
Pole is not the only person
trying to oust RIP. Both Dr.
Swaggert and Dr. Baker of the
department of charlatanry claim
the RIPs are Satanics who in-
tend to "take the entire student
body to Hell.” They say those
who wish to stop RIP from ac-
complishing its mission should
send their money “immediately!"
They are accepting funds in cash
at their offices.
“The only reason people want
us off campus is because we
have become so popular,” said
RIP president, G. R. Reeper.
"They are afraid we will become
too powerful on campus. Since
we came to campus, students
have been dying to join.”
“I had to quit — the rituals
were killing me," said Richard
Skiggs, who left RIP as a pledge
before he went through with
initiation. Skiggs refused to be
specific about any of RIP’s ri-
tuals.
Nora Smith, who lives next
door to the RIP fraternity house
on Mockingbird Lane, would not
be unhappy to see RIP go. “I
haven’t had a decent night's rest
since they moved in two years
ago," she said angrily. "That
house smells like a morgue, and
they are up all hours of the
night. . . . They used to keep
goats in the back yard, but they
(the goats) began disappearing
one-by-one till they were gone."
Swaggert said the goats were
immolated, but Reeper said the
goats were given to a close
friend. "It was a sacrifice to let
our pets go but we had to.” It
was convenient to give them
away one at a time, he explained.
“We do not own a cattle truck.”
Swaggert does not believe their
story. He believes Willy the
Ram disappeared in one of their
sacrifices.
Since the RIPS allow no strang-
ers in their fraternity house, a
Rumbler photographer had to
sneak in to get a photograph. He
said that as soon as he was inside
he saw no one but heard voice
howling, “Get Out! I felt obli-
gated to comply," said the pho-
tographer. “I ran out so fast I
felt my camera."
One source who requested
anonymity said Pole ruined one
of their rituals. "We were out
in the woods using an incanta-
tion to call upon an evil spirit
whe the dean of students jump-
ed from behind a rock," he ex-
plained. “Evidently the incanta-
tion worked.”
Pole denies ever jumping from
behind a rock, but said they now
have enough evidence to have
RIP removed from the campus.
New pterodactyls
made by Species
by Beau Dacious
In the April 1 issue of the
Rumbler last year, it was report-
ed that a new, more powerful
strand of sea monkeys had been
developed. Dr. Gene S. Species,
Chairman of the Texas Wesleyan
College Biology Department, was
the developer of the monkeys.
The new and improved strain
has several advantages over the
type sold in the comic books.
Chief among these advantages
are:
11 The monkeys have the capac-
ity to live out of water;
21 their life-span is double that
of the regular sea monkeys;
and
3) it is easy to distinguish the
gender of the new monkeys,
"After the Super Sea Monkeys
were developed, the sea monkey
sales business increased drasti
cally," Species said. The target
market for the monkeys were
children who had at least $50 of
disposable income (the cost of
the monkeys).
Species felt that something
extra was needed before the
Super Sea Monkeys would be
taken into the heart of the Amer
lean public. Working at a fren
zied pace day and night, Species
created an accompanying pet for
the monkeys. The pet is remark
ably similar to the pterodactyls
of ages gone by. The pterodactyl,
just as the monkeys, can live
both in and out of water. “To-
gether, the Super Sea Monkeys
and their pets make an unbeat-
able combination," Species said.
“They will become the new sta-
tus symbol among pre-adolescent
youths of all ages."
The revenue generated from
the sales of the Sea Monkeys
was to be given back to Texas
Wesleyan College to offset the
rising cost of education. “After
all," exclaimed Species, "TWC
facilities were used in the crea-
tion of the new strain. It is only
right that the profits should be
returned to the institution."
So far, the sales have not
achieved the levels that Species
had hoped they would He has
been considering changing his
method of advertising in hopes
of increasing sales. Currently,
the ads for the Super Sea Mon-
keys are running in the back of
his latest book. The Effects of
Alarm Clock LED Emissions on
Your Unborn Child. At time of
writing, there were 14 books in
Exclaiming his disgust at the
decreasing sales, Species re-
marked, "I can't understand why
people don't want their very own
man or woman from Atlantis
rather than watching a bunch of
cheesy brine shrimp swimming
around!"
CONSUMER reporter Beau Dacious takes one of Dr. Gene S. Species' new See Pterodactyls for a test
drive. Photo by Shaddap U. Face
ALIVE? NO
by Anita Squeeze
What would you say if some-
one told you that a class is
being offered at Texas Wesleyan
College that will teach a stu-
dent how to contact the dead?
Ridiculous you say? Well, the
English department is offering
a class of Studies of Dead Au-
thors, as part of its ghost writers
series. This class is to play an
integral a part in the very popu
lar dead languages series.
The class studies the works of
various dead authors and at the
end of the week summons them
to the classroom with the as-
sistance of the famous parapsy-
chologist Luther Hex. In case of
metaphysical emergencies Arch
bishop Tudbcrry is on hand at
each individual summoning to
make sure that the spirits of all
the students remain intact in their
respective bodies. The class has
studied the works of such noted
authors as Edgar Allen Poe,
Ambrose Bierce, Alfred Hitch-
cock and H, P. Lovecraft.
The student* so far have only
encountered one problem, upon
summoning the ghost of H. P.
Lovecraft. Two of the students
went incurably insane.
“It was the wildest ;hing I’ve
ever seen, all of those eerie
lights and tentacles," said stu-
dent Miriam Atright.
"So far the response has been
overwhelming," said Dr. Miriam
Asonipe. "The ghosts have all
arrived within the allotted class
period and only a few students
have lapsed into unconscious-
ness."
The students all eagerly await
the arrival of their next ghost,
Milton so that they too can have
a taste of Dante’s Inferno.
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Rambler (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 16, Ed. 1 Thursday, March 31, 1988, newspaper, March 31, 1988; Fort Worth, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth645678/m1/1/: accessed June 30, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Texas Wesleyan University.