Rambler (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 16, Ed. 1 Thursday, March 31, 1988 Page: 3 of 4
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Thursday, March 3), 1988
HUMBLER
Page Three
BUILDING FOR SALE
IN a surprise meve, the Monday after this story was written ,the entire campus was pu up for sale. No
one In the administration would comment on the move. There has boon no mention of price nor reason.
Photo by Noo Thankya
by Snoopy Scooper
and Poop Snooper
The Texas Wesleyan College
Administration building has been
placed on the real estate market.
Dr. Jerry Bawcom, president
of the Fort Worth college said
the building is to be sold to
finance the renovation of Ann
Waggoner Hall.
He said, “We had to make a
choice between the Administra-
tion building and the Ann Wag-
goner building. There isn't
enough money in the budget to
renovate Ann Waggoner Hall, so
we must sell the Admin Mration
building to finance the recon-
struction."
He ssid the original plan was
to tear down Ann Waggoner
Hall and build a modern build-
ing to house the School of
Science and Humanities. He said
there is enough money for that,
but they encountered a problem
and had to change plans.
A source, who asked not to be
named, said the problem is with
the English Department. The in-
formant said the English pro-
fessors have their offices in the
building and refused to vacate
the premises so it could be
demolished.
A campus security officer re-
ported that the professors had
stockpiled food and weapons in
the building and refused to
negotiate.
Dr. Neil Duncan, a spokesper-
son for the professors said, “We
don't want no new building. It
wouldn't be right for a English
department to be housed in a
modern building. We have a
tradition to uphold.’’
Upon being informed that the
administration had yielded to
their demands the English pro-
fessors sang, “All Hail the
Chief,” and then chanted the
prologue from The Canterbury
Tales in unison.
Lobsters from space attack school bus!!
What would you do if three
man-sized lobsters with wings
landed on your bus and com-
manded the driver to ram his
truck into the nearby home of
a noted private detective?
Sounds like fiction? Well, this
is the decision that 34 people
claim they were forced to make
when their bus was commandeer-
ed by aliens on the morning of
March 30. Yes, aliens, not from
Mars, mind you, but from Pluto
or Thog-Yuth as they called it.
They referred to themselves as
the Go-Mi in their radio static
sounding voices.
The things were described by
Judge William “the Bull” Dawg
as, “about six and a half feet
tall, and lobster or crab-like ex-
cept that the predominant color
was pinkish. Their wings were
the same color pink and mem-
branous. In place of heads they
had strange brain like domes
which pulsed and flashed differ-
ed colors as they spoke.”
The Go-Mi apparently com-
manded the driver, Harry Shorn
to ram his bus, at the speed of
45 miles per hour, into the house
of Sam McGee, a noted private
detective.
The police arrived on the
scene only moments after the
crash and were unable to find
the body of the driver or two
of the aliens. The remaining
alien was apparently killed on
impact; his body dissolved into
morning dew as spectators look-
ed on. Sam McGee was unable
to be located for questioning.
Police are refusing to give
credibility of the incident say-
ing that perhaps all 34 survivors
were suffering from a form of
mass hallucination. This story
has been dismissed as a hoax.
Home Workers
Wanted
Come out of the closet
end into the drawer
Positions now open for the graveyard shift at
MORT U. AIREY's FUN-FILLED FUNERAL HOME
AND ICECREAM PARLOR
Applicants must be cold-hearted and warm-blooded. Famil-
iarity with current embalming techniques and proper ba-
nana splitting a must. An appreciation for deep freezed
dips in all shapes, sizes, and nationalities as well as freeze
dried varieties is necessary. Some heavy lifting is required.
Qualified applicants please apply live in person at our
warehouse and distribution center located at 666 Cryptic
Circle across from Barney's Tofu Hut and Bail Bond Super
Market.
THIS bus was destroytd after giant lobsters from outer space took it over. Authorllos ore questioning the
vslidlty of the claim. Tho Incident Is under invoatigatlon. So far, there are no leads.
Photo by Juen Forthemony
Dr. Duncan dangles participle
by Shirley U. Jest
Dr. Neil Duncan, Professor of
English, was seen dangling his
participle following an Inflection
with the intent to split an infini-
tive. “I believe it was a doubt*
genitive of the inflected form,”
commented Dr. Marjorie Bay.
She explained that ia a major
repercussion following a substan-
tial vowel movement.
Duncan disagreed. “It ia a
matter of semantlcil I fully in-
tended to use a conjunction.
After all, it’s the natural thing
to do when you're intending to
join." As Duncan explained his
situation, a closer view revealed
that he was obviously missing
an artlda.
Duncan, unable to redeem
himself, had to plead his case
before the Academic Council. In
an active voice, he expresaed his
views in support of grammatical
genders as opposed to natural
ones.
He then called in Dr. Russell
Floyd, Chairman of the Mathe-
matics Department, ai an auxi-
lary. “I know it is imperative,
but I was hacking when Neil
was dangling,” he claimed.
Mr. Riley Willey of the Mathe-
matics department questioned
Floyd's alibi. ‘Tm appealtlvel”
exclaimed Floyd.
Louis McUin, a man of ob-
iectiva compliments, bolted in
from the business department in
order to save Duncan's face.
"Can’t you see that the man
has just had a solecism?!?"
Dr. Margaret Patoski of the
history department saw the en-
tire ordeal and took the stand
in opposition to Duncan and his
cohorts. "His academic integrity
has certainly been tarnished at
bad as the metal chips he has
strung from his tie clip, tt was
obvious when he left the scene
shouting, 'Oh, Ohhh!' You see, at
that point, he simply was look-
ing to have an Interjection.” She
then proposed an end to the
barbarism and suggested to levy
a syntax on the Wesleyan profes-
sor. “He should be stripped of
his gold dunghill then crushed
like a tin can Mercedes in a
West Texas dust storm.”
Dixie Bennett, the omnipresent,
seconded the motion, “tt was a
subordinate douse all along,” she
said. McLain was shaken by the
whole ordeal. “I thought he’d
be independent in hia cleusel I’d
have bet my asterisk on it!”
It was only after Duncan was
found guilty as charged that
Patoski admitted that all he had
was a fragment.
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Rambler (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 16, Ed. 1 Thursday, March 31, 1988, newspaper, March 31, 1988; Fort Worth, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth645678/m1/3/: accessed June 30, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Texas Wesleyan University.