Rambler (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 16, Ed. 1 Thursday, March 31, 1988 Page: 4 of 4
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RUMBLER
Thursday, March 3), 1988
Page Four
Angels get waxed by Blue Devils!!
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by Suton First
The Fellowship of Churchlady
Athletes 1KCA1 played the Evan-
gelical Voices of Inspired Lungs
iEVILi in the Bible Belt Na-
tional Softball Tournament and
were pitchforked by the Blue
Devils in a 6 to 9 harrowing do
feat. The final three runs were
scored on what the Angels be-
lieved to be a foul ball inspired
by the Devil.
"The hit went down the third
base line and scored three runs.
Three and three Matching num
bers Well, isn't that special
Three and Three add up to be
six Six is a number of the Devil
The pitcher's number was 12, a
multiple of six Could it be that
she was pitching for the Devil?
Could she be managed by, shall
we say, Satan? Isn't that truly
special." commented Effio Mae
Leviticus, Angel catcher.
Deuy Honame, Coach for the
Angels, felt that the Church-
ladies lost their concentration
when the cheerleaders for the
Blue Devils began to chant
"They wore tight uniforms that
accentuated their bloated femin-
ine qualities and they all had
alluring long red hair flowing
from their sunlamp tanned
scalps Their hair was as long
as Sampson's Sampson was
tempted by Delilah. Delilah was
inspired by the Devil. The Devil
always wore red. Could it be
that their hair and the Devil’s
wardrobe were made from the
dyes’ Could it be that
uses a sunlamp to warm
Well, isn’t that extra spe
Shears really aren't golden!!
by Anna Salafragabalimowiti
In the past scandal-scarred
year the nation has had to face
arms for-hostages deals, evangel-
ists’ falling from grace and candi-
dates' indcscrctions. Now, TWC
students must face yet another
scandal: The Golden Shears
awards are not really golden,
they are in actuality chocolate
shears with golden foil as cover-
ing.
One member of the Golden
Shears committee who chose to
remain unidentified said that she
had hoped the press would not
have found out, but that since
the news has leaked, "the com-
mittee would try its best to make
the most of this sticky situa-
tion.”
President of the Golden Shears
committee, I. R. Greene, refused
to comment.
The award, instituted 50 years
ago, originally was made of gold,
but lack of funding, inflation
and other factors, such as Golden
Shears committee members melt-
ing the gold into personal items
for themselves, caused the qual-
ity of the awards to descend
into such products as platinum
with gold plating, lead with gold
paint and presently chocolate
with gold foil, i Much like the
chocolate boullion coins wrapped
in gold foil found around the
holidays.)
Billy Bob Bubba Ray Johnson.
Jr. received his award last Thurs-
day at the showing of "Looking
for Mr. Goodbar” in the SLT.
Students could hear him munch-
ing proudly while the movie
played. Afterward Johnson com-
mented, "I was really honored
that the committee even con-
sidered me. ... It was real
tasty.”
Asked his opinion of receiving
such a bland award for his many
achievements, Johnson replied
that it was not bland at all.
“Actually it was real smooth and
creamy,” he said. He showed no
sign of shock that the award was
not truly golden.
Now the question is raised as
to what the student body, faculty
and administration can do to stop
this deceit, or should chocolate
Located at 666 Cryptic Circle
shears with golden foil still be
given for awards.
Dr. Chocfuil O'Nuts of the
Home Economics Department and
head of Food Service claimed
that the awards were not good
for the students' health and pro-
moted bad eating habits. He said
that the committee needed to re-
turn to its roots and begin using
"real gold again."
Professor Wonka of the Chem-
istry Department disagreed. “I
make the awards for the com-
mittee," said Wonka. “This would
be very bad PR, indeed."
Student I. M. Smart, a past
recipient, said she was very dis-
appointed when she was given
the “Chocolate Shears" award. “I
was only left with the memory
of it," she explained. "It melted
before I could even get it home
to look at it. They could’ve at
least given me something more
substantial.”
The Academic Council is now
debating the prospect of return-
ing the Golden Shears to gold.
It has proven to be a bitter
squabble.
Provost lam Wright said that
both sides are presenting “very
valid arguments. On one hand,
the award is somewhat mislead-
ing,” he said licking milk choco-
late from his finger. “On the oth-
er hand . . . well, you know.”
SPACE FOR
RENT
Large inner room available;
waxed floors; good acoustics;
soundly decorated in early
midwestern style featuring
authentic hammers, anvils, and
stirrups; well balanced layout.
Call 327-9293;
ask for Coach Trout
same
Satan
Hell’
rial!"
Jenny Sis, the Angel's first
base lady was stunned by the
other team's mascot when It took
to the field during the seventh
inning stretch "I was truly taken
back by the presence of such a
beast What was supposed to be
a nice animated mascot looked
more like a goat. A goat is truly
a creature made by the forces
from down under. Could his
name be Beelzebub? Could it be
someone's pet? Could it be, say,
Satan? Isn't that special.” Ruth
Acts, a faithful fan of the An-
gels, was appalled by the crowd
participation at the tournament.
She commented that her attend-
ance at Angel games has always
been for spiritual fulfillment but
this time, she felt the interven-
tion of a truly evil force. "It was
awful. Drunken males with vici-
ous body odor and decayed
teeth, hiding their enlarged geni-
tals behind overpriced girlie
magazines shouted rude sugges-
tions to my virgin-eared Angels.
I had my husband Abraham take
notes so that we may educate
our children, Peter, Paul, and
Mary, as to the shameful evil
that lurks in men’s minds.”
Despite the sideline interrup-
tions, some magnificent plays
were made throughout the tour-
nament. It was softball action at
it's best. Star slugger Ima Judges
pounded a line drive to Blue
Devil third baseman Evelyn Drag
who snagged the bullet to end
the first inning. "I got right be-
hind the ball and pulled it in
with no problem," said Drag.
Judges recounted the play. "Sure
she had 'no problem,’ She's a
ball specialist. She plays with
balls for a living. She's used to
line drives that you pull in. Be-
sides. her number is eight and
her father is a corrupt loneshark
at the local pool hall. Eight is
the number of the black ball. It
is the last one you sink. Where
does it go when it sinks? Per-
haps it goes directly to, shall we
say, Satan? Well, isn’t that spe-
cial.”
The final record attributes the
game winning runs to an error
made by the Angel’s left fielder.
It appears that when the ball
was hit, she was attempting to
walk on water. She said that she
thought it was a foul ball in-
spired by the devil. Coach Ron-
name said that even if it wasn't
foul, he doubted that she would
have caught it. “The odds were
against her. She was in left field.
Left field is a truly sinister spot.
The devil is sinister. Could it be
that she was playing in the back-
yard of perhaps Satan?” Now
that’s a revelation to me that's
•xtra special.
Jenny Sis of the Angels con-
cluded by saying “We'll beat
them next time because we're
just a little more Superior."
EXERCISE GURU Richard Simmon's cousin's brother's boot friend's
next door neighbor's next of kin will be teaching AEROBICS: I DID
^ WAY every sixth Monday next Month. You need reservations,
*° what* PHOTO BY SHADDAP U. PACE
RE-PENTHOUSE
COPIES SOLD HERE
Copies of Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker's new magazine
RE-PENTHOUSE are being sold at an economical price by
the Students for a Theocratic Union Divine (STUD) to finance
their trip to the Prayer Tower in order to meet with other
chapters to pray for Pat Robertson's political future.
This issue features the women of the Bible Belt and in-
cludes a four page spread of God's Gospel Girls with
Tammy Faye and Jessica Hahn modeling Halston's Biblical
Robes for the Bedroom.
See Matt Smith for your copy.
I RSACANOMIC; $
'---/
federal peculations
tixlsfuing Knanc t*J Atd
■fo^eeefy fiudents—
Jut fau -
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Rambler (Fort Worth, Tex.), Vol. 63, No. 16, Ed. 1 Thursday, March 31, 1988, newspaper, March 31, 1988; Fort Worth, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth645678/m1/4/: accessed June 30, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Texas Wesleyan University.