Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 93, No. 18, Ed. 1 Thursday, April 1, 1999 Page: 2 of 12
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2
February 18, 1999
NoOs
Megaphone
staff
sdim
News Editor
Asst
CD-EDITOHS Sean K “sweater vest” Andrews
Gabnela “I’ll be back soon” Aguilar
Sean “EIC” K. Andrews
Jillian “can we cut a little from
your article” Palmieri
Features
Editor Josephine “Thailand is of the devil” Hodge
Asst Jenny “I have to be an over-achiever”
Getson
Entertainment Edito
Paul “I scream like a two-year-old girl” Belk
Opinions Editor
Michael “Flaming Penis” Wiedorn
Sports Editor Roger “Are my pictures done
yet” Brooks
Writers Robyn Crummer
Joi Lakes
John Lyell
Kaaren Nelson-Munson
Sonya Mooney
Heather Moss
Amy Naim
Adam Newton
Breanna Rollings
Alan Suderman
Janelle Valera
Doug Whitworth
PHOTOGRAPHY
Senior Ah Vi Sob
Design staff
Patrick Burke Mark Kuhl
Michelle Momis
Eric Segers
Taylor Jones
Greg Leroy
Eric Segers
Helpers of the week:
Yugoslavia
Ykigo
"It is tbe duty of the press to promote amoral bebayior,
greed and cynicism"
Megaphone is (he official, studcn(-run, "adminisralion”
censored campus newspaper of Southwestern University in
Georgetown, TX It is published every Thursday when classes
are in session and as long as the editorial staff can stay awake
until they have finished with the paper assuming they aren't
hindered by any technological problems Please sens’ ?ub
missions to SU Box 7444. Georgetown, TX 78626.4;t>f more
information call (512) 863-1347. Placement of advertisements
from campus organizations will be printed contingent upon
the availability of space.
The views expressed herein do not necessarily express
the views of SU, its faculty, or its administration.. It most
certainly does not express the view of the board of trustees
because no one really knows who these people are or has
any idea of who constitutes this board or why they are given
the priveledge of sitting with them. All submissions must be
approved by the editors of the Megaphone and are subject to
editing to accommodate brevity and clarity. No article will
' be printed if it is not accompanied by the real name and title
of the author. If desired, the author's name can be withheld.
library loon holds hostages
Dwayne Saldana
Lord of the Monkeys
Members of the SU community today were shocked
to hear that a long time employee of the SCL snapped
while at work and took the building, including at least 30
people inside, hostage for over 10 hours. Police were
called in when a student, ignorant of the situation at hand,
inea to cnecK out fifty dooks lor ms nonors project.
“The guy just looked at me with utter disgust and
told me to just take the fu#@ing things,’ and then started
mumbling something about people always bothering him
when he's trying to do stuff."
The fortunate student was then let go by the mad-
man, who wished him luck on his project; this kindness
was repaid by the subsequent calling of the cops.
Including this student, a total of 12 people tried to
check out materials, paying no heed to the muffled cries
of the other library workers who were duct taped to chairs
and gagged. “Hey, you never know what those people
are doing behind that big wall anyway” one student noted.
When asked how it was that they weren't struck by
the sight of students crying on the ground in fear of their
lives, those fortunate enough to get out agreed that it
was just as likely that the hostages were upset that their
4.0 was about to go down the tubes due to some big
paper or test
Once caught, reporters were of coarse the firsi to
approach the crazed man, who has been identified only
as Pepito, a senior at the university.
He was said to have been a good Christian boy
who had recently gotten into a heated debate with a
crazed, athiest philosophy professor in which he showed
his fellow students how dumb the godless look in the
face of the shining light of the Lord.
No one expected such a sane person to go over
the edge.
When asked what caused his actions Pepito re-
sponded, “Well, one person too many came up to me at
the circulation desk and asked for a reserve item. Not
that this is all Pad in itself, but this guy, as is typical, didn t
know what article he wantfed, who his professor was,
which class he was taking, or even his own last name.
How the hell was I supposed to know what the f$%k he
was talking about!? Your supposed to know that s#&t
before you get to the desk, you ingrates!"
A small group of students have rallied behind Pepito,
saying that “the cops here are really just too full of them-
selves. We won’t let those Nazis take down any more of
our brothers without cause.”
These students were joined by others, who have
crowned Pepito “The New Messiah" or “SU’s little
preacher of the Glory of God.” As is usually the case,
counter groups have also formed, who say that Pepito
‘has this really weird notion that he’s being persecuted
when people express different opinions and ways of see-
ing the world." They further state that ‘you'd think that
these other groups would be a little more aware of the
fact that their asses have been kissed long enough"
The police are watching these groups to insure that
no further disturbances will occur on campus. They in-
sist that the term “going postal” will stay in vogue despite
this occurrence because ‘ ‘going librarian* sounds just
plain goofy.”
Hooray for the Megaphone!
Continued from page 1
heavens communicating sweet wisdom to the more
distinguished readers.”
When asked to explain why many of the
Megaphone’s readers, particularly the majority who live
on the SU campus, believe the paper to be riddled with
careless errors and hastily thrown together spreads,
L'Enculeur only chuckled.
“Well, what can you do?” he replied, “one can never
please the rabble without throwing them the sort of base
fare to which they are accustomed. Those who sing with
the muses, who know themselves to be the channels of
literary genius, are often called upon to toss the leftovers
of their creative feasts to their more philistine counter-
parts-what you might call their readership."
“The Megaphone," he continued, “has not bowed
to these social pressures. This is why we selected them,
over all the other publications all over the world. They
have continued to blaze new trails through the steamy
jungle of literary and journalistic discourse.”
L'Enculeur's very laudatory comments came as a
long awaited award to the staff cf the Megaphone. The
times months, pouring over the crustiest and most an-
cient of English grammar texts. They search out the
mistakes and incongruities in these texts, and painstak-
ingly correct them, revising and re-imaging the English
language
Editor Sean Andrews explained their work: “We at
the Megaphone refuse to strap ourselves into the har-
ness of the rules of English Grammar. The American
English lexicon? We cast that off like a pair of filthy
skivvies years ago. What we are doing here is rewriting
our very language, taking the readers’ worn-out notions
of “errors” and ‘careless mistakes’ and throwing them
right back into their petty, insolent, dirty little faces. That,
my dear boy, is the work of creation.”
Andrews said that the hardest work that the Mega-
phone staff does consists in making their innovations ap-
pear to be ordinary mistakes. The Megaphone's struggle
toward rewriting the language must necessarily face in-
numerable obstacles. Each innovation woven into this
campus newspaper must be well-hiddeh, for the risk of
discovery is great.
In order to deal with this risk, the writers of the Mega-
phone blend in real grammatical and spelling errors to
divert readers attention from the divine messages
couched within the text.
“If the masses ever got wind of what we're doing
here," continued Andrews, “we’d never be able to es-
cape. They’d worship us like gods and goddesses. We'd
never be able to go anywhere, or do anything. The bur-
den of divinity is not easy to bear-why do you think all
those holy figures check out when things really heated
up? No thank you; we prefer anonymity.”
Andrews continued, affirming that “the power of lan-
guage ain’t nothin’ to mess with Like that guy Albert
Schweitzer says, ‘Language is the house of being.' Well,
a bunch of ruffians coming in there and putting their hands
in the wet paint, blowing bubbles in the plaster, and what
not.”
Proud to have received such a prestigious award,
the Megaphone staff are using half of the $15 million
prize winnings to erect an enormous stone phallus, sur-
rounded by flashing lights and dancing mechanical
dwarves, in the middle of campus. Features Editor
Josephine Hodge proclaimed, “let's see Shilling beat this
one!”
The other half of the winnings will go toward fund-
ing a large celebration in honor of the newspaper's
achievement.
i
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Megaphone (Georgetown, Tex.), Vol. 93, No. 18, Ed. 1 Thursday, April 1, 1999, newspaper, April 1, 1999; (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth634729/m1/2/: accessed June 14, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Southwestern University.