The Brand (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 82, No. 18, Ed. 1, Saturday, April 1, 1995 Page: 1 of 1
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HARDIN'SIMMONS
U N
Twmm
April 1 1995
Abilene Texas
Vol. 82 No. 18
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Dam-It! Is he alive?
Sources Reveal Dam-It is Alive Wants to Clear His Name
by Gray V. Train
We team about him in orientation. We walk by his
grave site each day. We hear of his esca-pades. We
know he is dead or do we? No one knows for sure
whether or not there is really a body buried under that
fire hydrant.
Well the truth is Dam-It is alive. As revealed by
sources that we arc not able to disclose it has been dis-
covered that Dam-It is actually living a secret life in
North Abilene after a trip abroad. To maintain his
secrecy while on campus Dam-It has allowed himself
to gain weight and permitted his hair to grow out. He
has maintained his secret life by portraying a mut that
looks so dejected even the administration from ACU
ran him off the campus.
In a recent interview he states that this life is not
easy. "I want to come back to the campus but I can't
because of that horrible incident." The incident to
which he is referring occurred a year before his staged
death. Dam-It was leaving a classroom one day and
accidentally had a copy of a test stuck to his foot. A
student picked up the test and used it to cheat on the
Dam-It was spotted on campus recently when he
returned to clear his name of an incident which led
him to stage his own death -photo by Gray V. Train
final. Dam-It was indicted in the incident and in order
to maintain his dignity he staged his death with the
assistance of several of the campus ducks and then left
for parts unknown. When asked to comment none of
the ducks would talk without their union lawyer pre-
sent. He was recently seen on campus and Unknown to
him a picture was taken to prove his existence. The
one duck that did comment on Dam-It's visit to cam-
pus stated that he was here because he wanted to clear.
his name. "Yes Dam-It was on campus but that does-
n't look like the Dam-It I remember. The Dam-It I
remember would never allow himself to gain so much
weight."
Dam-It was a model resident on campus and as
staled by one source 'There is no way that he inten-
tionally could have done something like that. Dam-It
he was an honest dog."
A duck close to Dam-It revealed that the dog is
preparing to release his memoirs which will contain
the true story of what happened on that fateful day.
The memoirs will be released by the Paw Print
Publishing Company in late May.
Anonymous Student Responsible for Cruel Death of Squirrel
by ImaKnut
Students have lived in peace with
the squirrels on this campus for quite a
long time. But that symbiotic relation-
ship was smashed some time ago. An
unnamed student was attacked by a
rabid squirrel without warning.
He stated that he was driving on
campus and this squirrel began chasing
his car. The rodent ran under his car and
he heard a thud. He stopped his vehicle
and the confrontation began.
The student bent over to see if he
could help the injured animal. He
picked the limp form up and as he
looked at the lifeless body it is reported
that the squirrel grabbed a hold of his
thumb. The stunned student not know-
ing what was happening watched as the
animal sank his vicious teeth into the
thumb of which he had in a vice grip.
Then the student threw the squirrel
down.
Out of anger he got back in his car
backed his vehicle up and Finished the
squirrel off. Since this incident the stu-
dent and his roommate have reported
numerous acts of harassment by the
campus squirrels. 'They climb the tree
outside our room and throw acorns
through the window. I wish they would
just leave me alone. I tried to help him."
The student in fact felt so bad about
what he did in rage that he took the
squirrel to the hospital for treatment.
The doctor on duty that day in the
Trauma Center at Hendrick Medical
Center stated "The squirrel was
brought to us in full cardiac arrest from
injuries sustained in a motor xodent
accident. There was nothing we could
do."
The student stated numerous times
in the interview that he is truly sorry for
what happened. He does not know what
came over him but he thinks he acted in
self-defense. He has been so emotional-
ly affected that he is currently in psy-
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The violence the horror; the aftermath of that fateful day when Utopia was lost.
-photo by Ima Knut
chiatric treatment pending his trial for rel's family and friends could not be
charges of squirrel slaughter. The squir- reached for comment.
Everything contained on this page is a blatant lie. Although it is true that a squirrel was recently killed on campus by an HSU
student the facts have been changed to protect the identity of the guilty party. The aforementioned ideas do not reflect the
conscience of The Brand staff or the opinions and anxieties of the faculty and administration. And Dam-It he's dead!
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The Brand (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 82, No. 18, Ed. 1, Saturday, April 1, 1995, newspaper, April 1, 1995; Abilene, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth97611/m1/1/?q=%22%22~1: accessed July 8, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu.; crediting Hardin-Simmons University Library.